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Friggin' Lallapalooza
Friggin' Lallapalooza

"One time this group of young 20-somethings came into my bar. One of them was obviously very drunk. He couldn't make direct eye-contact and he had a severe case of the wobbles, let's call him 'Keg-Stand.' I made the whole group of people their drinks, and told Keg-Stand all I could give him was water. He complained and grudgingly took the water over to a table with his friends. Soon after, one of the others in the group orders two more brews, and when I'm not paying attention gives one of them K-Stand. After some time, I spotted him drinking and calmly walked over and took his drink away. The guy, almost by gut reaction, took a swing at me. That was a first for me, and I've been at this gig for a while. He ended up hitting a barstool and injured his hand. Fortunately, one of my regulars grabbed him by the back of his upper-arm and we took Keg-Stand and his drink-buying friend outside. Friggin' Lallapalooza, man. (Source)

Did You Have To Do It On The Wings?!
Did You Have To Do It On The Wings?!

"I'm not a bartender but I worked in the kitchen of a bar. I walked into work and get back into the kitchen when immediately our youngest cook, who was just getting off work, comes back and says 'There's some dude wandering around back here, I think he's looking for the bathroom.' We have extremely easy to find customer bathrooms as soon as you walk in the door, and we also have a bathroom in the back for staff. Anyways, we walk back and can't find him anywhere. I finally open up the freezer and he's standing there looking the other way. I start saying 'hey man, you need some help finding you're way ba....WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?' I look down and see a huge pile of pee on the freezer floor and some real wet boxes of wings. Dude had to pay for like 5 boxes of wings and was banned." (Source)

Nothing More Romantic Than Holding Vomit Covered Hands
Nothing More Romantic Than Holding Vomit Covered Hands

Not my story but my friend's. He had already been drinking heavily and decided he wanted to do some more. So he headed for the bar, but tripped over his own foot and stumbled. This was spotted by a bouncer and he was quickly removed from the bar. He stumbles down the street 20 meters and then needs to throw up. He holds up his hand to stop himself from spewing, but instead it explodes all over his hand and he proceeds to bend over and empty his stomach in a low lying hedge. He straightens up and wipes his mouth and gets ready for the drunken stumble home when a girl (who had previously been kicked out) walks towards him and grabs his vomit covered hand in an attempt to convince the bouncers that they were just a happy couple going out for a drink. They walk, vomit covered hand in hand, up to the bouncers and confidently attempt walk in. She is stopped at the door and he breezes past and back into the bar, ready for round two." (Source)

Don't Get Too Cocky, Kid
Don't Get Too Cocky, Kid

"I'm in Vegas, playing poker at MGM. I tell the bartender to bring me two drinks every time she comes out, drop one off to me first and I'll finish it before she brings me the second. I tip well, this works, and I get very drunk very fast. I'm normally a pretty good card player, but for some reason, on this day, I could do no wrong. I swear I won a pot once when I had one of my hole cards wrong. So I'm drunk, young, cocky, and begin talking crap. Like, a LOT of trash talk, to all the other players. Eventually, a pit boss comes over, quickly grabs me, makes me pick up my chips and has me walked out. When I ask why, he explains to me that one of the people I was taunting at the table was not the kind of guy you want to do that to, and that I was pretty close to getting into a lot more trouble than I could handle." (Source)

Never Accuse A Man Of Drinking Michelob Light
Never Accuse A Man Of Drinking Michelob Light

Michelob Ultra was new to our bar (an Outback Steakhouse). We had a guest who had had a few too many Mich Ultras and when we decided it was time for him to stop drinking we gave him his receipt. Unfortunately, we hadn't updated our POS system to include Ultra, so all Mich Ultras were listed as Michelob Light...he saw that, screamed out 'I DIDN'T DRINK NO GOD DAMNED MICHELOB LIGHT!' and threw his 22oz glass mug at the other bartender, who immediately turned around (the mug missed) and said, quite calmly, 'you need to get the heck out of my bar!' Jimmy, our 5'4" server in the room with us, ran over and picked this guy up by the arm pits and carried him over to the back door (To Go) and slammed him into the door to open it...unfortunately, the To Go door had been locked because we were closing. He hit the door with some decent force, let out an audible 'UNGH!' and then collapsed to the ground in pain. It must have sobered him up slightly because he very sheepishly came back and apologized and paid for his drinks, but man was it insane for about 20 seconds or so." (Source)

Must Have Been A Pretty Rough Day To Get Drunk At A Pizza Hut
Must Have Been A Pretty Rough Day To Get Drunk At A Pizza Hut

"So one time I was working around 2 pm and the place is empty, just me and one other employee. I see a guy pull up in a brand new Caddy CTS and he comes in with a nice leather messenger bag over his shoulder. He makes small talk with me and proceeds to sit down and orders a large pepperoni pizza and a coke for himself. I place the order and walked away. I keep coming back to his table to see if needs anything and he just keeps pounding through cokes. Next thing I know I hear a crash of glass, which was peculiar because we have all plastic drink ware. I come over to find an empty 1L bottle of Jack on the floor. He finished the whole bottle, stood up, and fell right back down. He tried getting his car keys, but they're at the bottom of his empty plastic cup. I call him a cab and give the cabby my number to let me know where he dropped him off at (so I can make contact with him the next day). Oh by the way, I worked at a Pizza Hut. Not a bar." (Source)

Wonder Who The Senator Was?
Wonder Who The Senator Was?

"I work in DC as a banquet bartender for hire. I was at a very prestigious hotel downtown that hosts many large galas that entertain celebrities and politicians alike. At these events banquet bars are, of course, open bars so people can have as much as they like free of charge. I was working one event that had several senators and needless to say some of them can drink. One senator in particular was really knocking back some Makers Mark and was getting a bit rowdy. You could tell people were getting uncomfortable with his behavior, but it wasn't until he slapped one of the servers on the bottom that I had to come out from behind my bar (which is a huge no-no in the business) grab the drink out of his hand and sternly say, 'No more!' You could tell he was emasculated and behaved himself after that. It definitely felt great having power over one of the guys that runs our nation. Sorry I can't give names or specifics, but a nondisclosure waver is part of the job..." (Source)

Never Cut Off A Railroad Worker
Never Cut Off A Railroad Worker

"Been about ten years now since I've tended bar. Had a group of big guys in there one night, been there about 3 hours, but one of the guys hadn't got up in a while, so didn't realize how drunk he had gotten. Anyway, must have been his turn to buy, cause he comes stumbling up to the bar, almost knocks over a table on the way. Orders a round for the table. I tell him, 'I think you've probably had enough.' He says what? I say 'You've had enough, you're drunk.' His reply, and I'll never forget this 'I'm not drunk, I work for the railroad!' Completely serious. I just stared at him for about 10 seconds. He says it again. I just walked away and his friends came up to the bar and led him out the door. It's often made me wonder what kind of training program the railroads have." (Source)

Maybe If He Was In Amsterdam This Would Have Worked
Maybe If He Was In Amsterdam This Would Have Worked

"I had a kid walk up to the bar and ask if I had a pipe. I replied with 'What's that? A lager?' He didn't get it. The rest of the conversation went something like this. Kid: A pipe. Can I borrow a pipe? Me: Excuse me? Kid: A PIPE. FOR SMOKING POT. Me: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Kid: DO YOU HAVE A PIPE I CAN BORROW? I NEED TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF BECAUSE I DRANK TOO MUCH. IM GOING TO GET HIGH IN THE BATHROOM. And thus, the gesture was made to the bouncer to drag that poor idiot out by his neck." (Source)

Oldest Trick In The Book
Oldest Trick In The Book

"Guy was over the line. I don't know if he had gotten in to his friend's drinks or if another bartender had served him while I wasn't looking because he was far gone. Hostile, screaming, poor motor control. We asked him to leave multiple times but he refused. We tried to gently escort him out but he resisted physically. Finally he said 'If you just do a shot with me, I'll go. Just a shot. Do a shot with me.' 'All right, I'll do it,' I said. So I poured us a couple shots of 151, toasted him, and threw mine over my shoulder as he shot his. His face contorted in pain and he screamed "WHAT THE HECK!?" and while he was shuddering and disoriented we pushed him out the door and locked it behind him." (Source)

Nice Try, Drunk Guy
Nice Try, Drunk Guy

"One time this guy drank more then half his beer, went to the bathroom, and came back in with a full glass. He then proceeded to complain that the beer I served him was warm and flat. Safe to say I sent him home." (Source)

Something Tells Me The Marriage Probably Didn't Work Out...
Something Tells Me The Marriage Probably Didn't Work Out...

"I bartended weddings in a hotel ballroom in a smaller rural town. One particular wedding the groom and groomsmen went out to the parking lot to shotgun beers that were stashed in the groom's truck. The wedding party had already cashed in 4 kegs by 9:30 pm and the father of the bride, who was paying for it all, declined buying any more. All of the groomsmen came back in and went back into the reception/dance. The bride storms out to the parking lot when she sees everyone but her new hubby return, then comes back in red in the face, make up smeared and bawling her eyes out...then screams at her bridesmaids to 'Go get her out of that truck!' Bridesmaids go out and drag another bridesmaid into the hotel bathroom and help her get back into her dress properly. Groom strolls up to the bar and orders a shot of Jack while tucking his shirt in." (Source)

Windows Look A Lot Like Doors When You're Drunk
Windows Look A Lot Like Doors When You're Drunk

"Not me, but a friend was getting real wasted on St. Paddy's day. He went outside to the smoker's patio smoke to call someone on his phone. After smoking and calling, he tried to walk back in. But apparently the floor-to-ceiling windows looked a lot like the glass door. He walked directly into one, smashing his plastic cup of green beer into his chest and bashed his face on the window. The bouncer was trying really hard to be tough as he told him to leave while laughing hysterically." (Source)

How Does That Even Happen?!
How Does That Even Happen?!

"I cut off a guy that worked at the pub. After I told him he had had too much and I couldn't give him any more, he screamed at me, took out his wallet and threw it at me. His wallet hit my arm. It didn't hurt, but the rest of the night my arm was itchy. It wasn't until I got home hours later that I realized my arm was itchy because there was lice on it, presumably from his wallet. It was freaking weird." (Source)

You Know You're Drunk When
You Know You're Drunk When

"I was out drinking with a friend and we had too much. Our waiter was a rotund guy, and funny as heck all night. Finally, he sat down next to my friend and asked if she thought he was handsome. She was polite and said 'of course!' To which he replied 'you're cut off.' We paid, and also gave him a 40% tip and called for a taxi. Awesome night."

Those Are Some Great Friends
Those Are Some Great Friends

"Quiet night at a small ski bar. 4 Irish guys come in and order a jug of beer. After a few minutes, it's obvious they'd been pre-drinking somewhere else. There's only one other person in the bar (a regular old timer) so they're not bugging anyone, but for liability reasons I ask them to leave as soon as they finish their drinks. After about 45 min of hysterical drunken laughter, three of them up and leave. The one guy left is obviously passed out. I go over to get him up, and his buddies had had their way with him. They drew all over him with sharpies, including the phallus on his cheek pointing towards his mouth. Now this kind of thing happens all the time, but what they did next really put it over the line. His ass crack was showing while he was laying his head on the table, so they poured Tabasco down there (almost an entire bottle) and then got a condom from the restroom and shoved it into the hot sauce to make him think he'd gotten busy with another guy while he was out of it. It took me and the hotel manager (whom I'd called to help) a while to wake him up, and when he did he was in so much pain we called an ambulance to take him to the hospital. The 3 guys came in again the next night. I refused to serve them, and they left. I don't know what happened to their other compadre, but he didn't sue us." (Source)

Probably Not A Good Idea To Give Your Bartender Attitude When You're A Freshman
Probably Not A Good Idea To Give Your Bartender Attitude When You're A Freshman

"I was guest bartending during a university residence party at a bar when a girl comes up to me and orders a highball. We were having $3 highballs for all the students living in residence so I asked her exactly what king of highball she wanted. She repeated again that she just wanted a highball in an irritated voice and gave me a look like I was the one who was stupid. I realized that she was probably a fresh 18 year old (Alberta, Canada if you're curious) and I was busy so I poured her a highball of tequila and milk and served it up to her with a bit of Tabasco sauce. She throws exactly $3 at me and takes a few sips and exclaims, 'EWWWW!! YUUUUCK! I DON'T LIKE HIGHBALLSSSSS!!' Then some guy stumbles up to her and takes it from her and slams it ice and everything, pauses, and proceeds to puke most of it back into the cup and the rest splatters all over her legs. He tried to brush it off because he was 'dancing too much' and asks for a new one. I cut him off after that and the bouncers took him outside." (Source)

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