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"He Throws Me A Suspicious Glance And..."

"I worked in a dive bar once that got a decent mix of underage drinkers, homeless people, and lunatics. One day this guy orders our $3 draft. I pour it, set it down on a coaster in front of him. The guy--I kid you not--takes a straw from the holder and pulls that trick where you seal it with your finger. He pauses to throw me this suspicious glance, and then he takes the straw out and tastes it. The guy slowly pushes the coaster back across the bar with the tips of his fingers and says, 'I'm not drinking this. You put arsenic in it.' He was 100% serious. Another time, an older lady wanders into the bar. Orders a glass of Cabernet. I pour her the wine, but a few minutes later, I see she's not touching it. I ask her if everything was okay and she leans forward and tells me that she's peed her pants. Before I can react or do anything, she goes, 'That's okay, I can fix it,' and whips off her freaking pants -- in the middle of the bar."

The Office Holiday Party Got A Little Too Friendly

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The Office Holiday Party Got A Little Too Friendly

"One office came to our place for a Christmas party. We're a wine bar in the city. One of the girls started kissing the other for a dare, then she left that girl and started with another one even though it wasn't part of the dare, and the other one went and kissed another one, and they all went around kissing each other. The guys from the Christmas party just stood there in awe, with their mouths wide open."

The Liquor Rep Shouldn't Have Left His Card

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The Liquor Rep Shouldn't Have Left His Card

"When I bartended in San Francisco, I remember this guy (who happened to be a liquor rep from Southern California, gave us his card and everything) got super trashed at my bar. It's a pretty nice place, but we had really nice booze and cocktails so it was easy to go overboard. Anyway, he goes to the restroom, which we only have one for each gender. It was busy so it's not like this was conspicuous, and we were pretty aware that lots of drugs/sex/etc probably happened in there, but we kept it tidy. Well, what do you know, he's in there for too long. Somehow my manager had lost or didn't remember where the spare key was. We actually had a regular customer (who bartended elsewhere on the street) pick the lock with a paper clip. Long story short, this guy is passed out in there, with the mirror (which was wall-mounted) lying flat on the ground with what appears to be urine all over it. He was on the john with his pants down. The conclusion we drew was he was on some sort of drugs and decided he wanted to watch himself piss. I've heard of this kind of thing on hallucinogens but I can't imagine he was tripping at a packed bar, but who knows. Anyway, we get him put together as best we can, kick him out, then he acts super offended and tries to fight my manager, but we finally get him to leave. Since we had his business card, my General Manager calls his boss the next day and demands that they pay for the mirror and whatever other damages, and of course that his behavior makes us definitely not want to buy whatever brand he was hocking at that time."

Tennis Ladies Aren't So Graceful With A Few Appletinis In Them

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Tennis Ladies Aren't So Graceful With A Few Appletinis In Them

"I used to work at a restaurant near a pretty affluent neighborhood before the economy went under in 2008. We were near the local tennis club so having these trophy wives in and swooning over their tennis pro was not uncommon. One day 4 of the tennis ladies come in for appletinis. They down the first couple relatively quickly and take their third round and walk away from the bar. I assume they're heading out to smoke but they weren't. Turns out they went to hang out at the other side of the restaurant, which is closed between lunch and dinner. I found out when I overheard someone talking about two women going at it in one of the booths. Of course, everyone made sure to get an eyeful of live girl on girl action. But that was quickly interrupted by the fact that the blonde was not feeling well. They stepped outside and I figured they would come inside, pay their tab, and that would be the end of that. They came back inside, 3 girls carrying one right into the bathroom. As soon as I saw it happen I knew I would have so much to clean up. And sure enough, when they left the bathroom and I was attending other bar guests, one of the servers coming on for the dinner shift was the first to see it. Poop. Poop everywhere. Literal feces on the floor, on the walls, it was terrible. I will be in that server's debt forever because she wasn't scared to clean it. She just said 'I'll handle it' and did. I figured it was over, and again I was wrong. The manager who came on for the night shift was taking a walk around the restaurant when he saw it. Poop. Poop again. Poop on the floor in the game room of the restaurant. We rewound the cameras to see how this could've happened. It seems that while she was being carried in she couldn't hold her poop and it just started coming out and she kinda shook her leg a little to get it out of her underwear. We named her Poopy Pants and told the story to every new server. Did she stop coming around? Yeah, for a while, but then she just started coming around again with her kids as if nothing ever happened. If you poop your pants in a restaurant everyone will know about it and it will never be safe to return."

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