A Reddit user and her husband went out to eat one night, let's call them Linda and Bob. It was just a regular, run-of-the-mill regional restaurant, but what that woman didn't know was that dinner came with a free show...
Linda and her husband were seated next to a family of seven which consisted of an older woman (50s), two older men (one 40s, one 50s), two young women (20s) and two little girls (10 and 12). It was one of the little girls' birthday, so the whole family came out to celebrate. Right away, Linda noticed the matriarch of the group was constantly touching the man in his 40s, holding onto the back of his chair, resting her head on his shoulder, all very touchy-feely. That's obviously her husband, Linda thought, who himself looked quite uncomfortable with the whole thing - foreshadowing for what was to come.
Already, Linda could tell that the older woman was a pot stirrer. Even before any orders were taken, she seemed to be causing drama as Linda noticed that she would give one of her adult family members a pointed look, say something, then turn and smirk at someone else. After these exchanges, the offended family member usually took off to the bathroom with clenched fists.
Because that family came in a few minutes before Linda and Bob, with all parties arriving just around 8:15, they got to order their food first. The older woman said, "I'll have the chicken."
Confused, her husband said, "I thought you wanted the steak."
"Oh no," she retorted, "I'd never order something SO expensive!" Yet she then went on to order a glass of vodka, not a shot, but a glass. When she got it, she was somehow surprised at how big it was, which she clearly noted. After the waitress took their orders to the kitchen, the older woman questioned everyone else at the table about their orders, pulling sour faces whenever they dared reject her suggestions.
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The food was taking some time, which really ticked off this woman. After about a 40-minute wait, she called the server over again. "Are you EVER planning on bringing our food or do you have ALL new chefs?"
"I'm sorry for the wait," the waitress said. "I'm actually about to grab it for you."
"We've been here since SEVEN O'CLOCK," she lied.
"I'm going to get your food now," the waitress replied.
"Yeah," she said sarcastically, "We'll see."
Moments later, two waitresses arrive at the table and start serving the family. As soon as they walk away, the older woman begins transferring food from her hubby's plate to her own. He, understandably, is a bit bemused. "What are you doing?!" he asked, incredulous.
"I just want a little taste."
"I TOLD you to order your own steak!"
"It's just a little taste," she whined.
"You took half my meal!"
"Oh, don't be so melodramatic," she sighed, exasperated. "You can have my chicken."
"I don't want chicken. If I did, I would have ordered it."
The woman ignored his complaints, though it was clear to the watching Linda that she was put out at the fact that she called her out on her behavior.
It's at this time that the waitress came back to the table to ask how their meal was. Before anyone else could speak, obviously the older woman cut in. "This was LITERALLY the WORST steak I have ever SEEN in my LIFE! His too!" she said, gesturing at her husband.
"It's just fine," he retorted.
"I can replace it," said the waitress, "What's the issue with it?"
"Nothing, it's fine," her husband desperately said.
His wife interjected, "It TASTES like POT ROAST!"
"It's really ok," says the hubby as he tries to assure the waitress.
"Are you sure?" the waitress asked. "I'd be happy to take it to the kitchen."
"For $15," the woman interjected, "we deserve better than this!"
The waitress apologized again, offered to replace the offending dish, and asked if there was anything else she could do for them. The husband, once again, assured her that everything was fine. Without dropping a beat, the woman snatched her husband's plate from in front of him and thrust it at the waitress. "Just take it," she ordered, "We don't need anything else. Actually, another glass of vodka."
Now hubby was left without any food at all while wifey dearest feasted on her chicken and half of his steak, though she kept insisting that he try her chicken. Meanwhile, the two little girls were running around, clearly too excited about the upcoming dessert to take more than a few bites of their food.
Returning with the glass of vodka, the waitress once again asked if everything was going alright. The woman jumped right in with her complaints. "My chicken was really weird." The waitress apologized and asked what she could do. "Take that off the bill, too," she said. When the waitress asked if she could get her a replacement, she replied, "No, but you can take the kids' meals off the bill, too. They barely touched their food. It was terrible! No one enjoyed their meals tonight." Everyone else at the table immediately denied that, telling the waitress that everything tasted great. "NONE of you finished your food," she insisted. "This was awful!"
At this point, the busboy came to their table to clear away their dishes. He just so happened to be Hispanic. "You," the woman snapped. "Where are you from?"
The busboy was silent, but the waitress answered for him, "He's our busboy. He doesn't like to talk much."
"He MUST talk to you! You're his co-worker!"
"No. He's just quiet and private."
The woman just ignored her at this point, speaking exclusively to the busboy. "You!" she practically shouted at the young man, "You! HABLO ENGLISH? WHERE. ARE. YOU. FROM?" The busboy just put his head down and tried to work faster. The witch of a woman turned to her husband and said, "He doesn't speak the language. He doesn't speak," she turned and looked directly at the busboy, "EEEEENGLISH."
Linda and Bob just stared at each other, unable to believe what they just heard. Hubby abruptly stood up. "Where are you going?" the older woman snapped.
"We're leaving. Now."
"I'm taking the girls."
"You can't just TAKE them! We're here for [little girl's name] birthday!"
"Mom, I'm not doing this."
RECORD SCRATCH. Linda was in total disbelief. The whole time, she had assumed that he was her husband because of how physical the woman had been with him for the whole dinner when in reality, she'd been fondling her son the entire time. Once son and his daughters left, the woman decided that the remaining four people would keep the celebration going and she designated her younger adult daughter as the new birthday girl. The waitress was understandably confused, but she rolled with the changes well enough.
Now that she had about two glasses of vodka in her, crazy mom turned her attention to her oldest daughter and said, "I don't know how you got to be so dysfunctional, but we still care." The daughter just stared down at her lap, clearly uncomfortable that her mother was talking about such a personal matter in public. "You're like Katy Perry," she continued. "She kissed a girl and she liked it. She liked the taste of HER cherry chapstick." Her daughter stood up without a word and stalked off to the bathroom. A minute later, the older gentleman got up and walked off too.
That's when the restaurant staff came out to sing a very long, very loud rendition of the birthday song, even though no one comments on the fact that the table is clearly missing a few people. The mom cries out that, "They must all be hiding from me in the bathroom!" Fake birthday daughter awkwardly chuckled. Once they finally finished their song, the serving staff began to disperse, to the woman's great displeasure. "No! You can't go!" she cried. "You waited for everyone to leave! Please! Come back!"
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The rest of the family soon returned and the woman begged the staff to do the song again. The staff refused. The waitress took this moment to drop off the bill, which sent the oh-so-charming mother dearest into a fit of boasting. The bill was only $100 for all seven of them, what with all the free food they got. She was pleased as could be until she saw how much she was charged for all her vodkas. "Wait. Oh my GOD!" She clutched at her chest in shock. "NINE DOLLARS for ABSOLUT! I've never HEARD of such a thing!"
At that outburst, Linda couldn't control herself anymore. She threw back her head and began cackling. That caught the older gentleman's attention and he asked if she was enjoying the show. Linda replied that yes, she was. Meanwhile, the star of this crap show didn't notice the exchange as she was so absorbed in figuring out why her vodkas cost $9 each. "I have NEVER seen vodka SO EXPENSIVE in my LIFE! I need a manager!"
Turns out, the woman had, for some reason, assumed that her drinks would be covered under a happy hour special. There was no such happy hour special, no signage existed that promised such a deal, the waitress hadn't mentioned it, so no one knew why she would think that. She was also upset that because she ordered GLASSES of vodka, the restaurant charged her for a double. Both the restaurant manager AND the bar manager had to come over to explain that there was no happy hour. Despite this, she insisted that she only wanted to be charged $6 for her drinks, but the management refused to adjust her bill any further, especially since she'd already gotten two kids meals and two adult meals for free.
Yet she wasn't content on giving up so easily. Once the managers left, she pulled the waitress aside and asked, "Where is the ACTUAL restaurant manager?"
"It's her night off," the waitress said.
"You better call her and have her come in right now if you want me to figure out your tip."
By now, Linda was absolutely done with the woman's behavior. She called over the on-duty manager and made a big show about how much she'd enjoyed her waitress and how well she had done dealing with "other" customers. Once the manager walked away, the woman turned her attention to Linda.
"I'm SO SORRY my ANTICS ruined your BIG ROMANTIC night," the woman scoffed. Linda and Bob just ignored her, which upset her more than the whole vodka debacle. She turned back to her table and started sobbing. "All you care about is yourselves!" she wailed. She looked at the older gentleman, who she's said about two words to the entire night, and blurted out, "If you REALLY loved me, you'd get engaged to me." Hmmm... wonder why he hadn't taken that commitment yet.
To round out what had been an absolutely classy night for the woman, she informed the table that she wasn't going to tip. Everyone else quickly pulled together $10 to leave for the waitress, yet there was no way the woman was letting that happen. Wanting to prove that she was the provider in the family, she promised to tip $10 if everyone agreed to take back their money. They all agreed but left their money on the table anyway.
Finally, everyone at the table started standing up to leave. The waitress took the opportunity to begin clearing away the dishes, but this woman was still not done, oh no, not yet. She stopped the poor waitress when she reached for a glass that still had some vodka in it. "Don't take the vodka! I sure paid enough for it!"
"I'm sorry, I thought you were leaving," the waitress explained.
"I am," the woman snobbishly said. "I'm going to take the vodka with me."
She then pulls out an empty Fiji water bottle and said she'd just put the leftover vodka in the bottle. It took three different servers to convince her that what she proposed was actually quite illegal before she finally left without her pricey and prized vodka.
All in all, Linda and Bob couldn't ask for a crazier show on what they assume would be an uneventful night out to eat. And as Linda so eloquently wrapped up this tale, all there is left to say is, "Holy Hell."
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