Nervous about cooking the Thanksgiving bird? Don't be. Butterball Turkey employs more than 50 Turkey Talk-Line experts who are ready and waiting to answer your culinary questions at 1-800-BUTTERBALL. However, some people are more clueless than others...
The Thanksgiving sequel to “Stomp the Yard”
A proud gentleman called to tell the staff how he wrapped his turkey in a towel and stomped on it several times, breaking the bones so it would fit in his pan. Then he asked, “How do I carve a turkey when all of its bones have been broken?”
Lol, yeah…good luck with that, Sir.
Not that kind of state…
When a Talk-Line staffer asked a caller what state her turkey was in, meaning how thawed was it, the caller responded with “Florida.”
A turkey no-no
A first-time Thanksgiving chef called the Talk-Line in tears. She was so proud to have thawed the turkey successfully and continued to rinse the turkey—with dish soap! The tears starting flowing when the turkey wouldn’t stop sudsing. “How do I get my turkey to stop sudsing?” she asked. “Is soapy turkey recoverable?”
We’re gonna go out on a limb here and say no. It’s definitely a clean turkey though!
A disappointed woman called wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. It quickly became apparent that the woman’s turkey was lying on the table upside down.
WoWoWoW. This woman doesn’t deserve breast meat.
The missing turkey
A lady from Colorado called in and said, “I left the bird in the snowbank to thaw and now I can’t find it. Now what?” It had snowed the night before and it then dawned on her that she didn’t have a clue which snow bank her turkey was in. Guess she’ll have to wait till the snow melts for her Thanksgiving meal!
A confused new dad
A man called a few hours after his wife had given birth to their first child. He was concerned their turkey had been thawing in the fridge for too long while he was at the hospital. When the staffer asked the man how much it weighed, he replied, “the turkey or the baby?”
Both, sir. You must know both weights in order to have a delicious Thanksgiving meal. Without them, you’re doomed.
The chainsaw massacre
A gentleman called to tell the operator he cut his turkey in half with a chain saw and wanted to know if the oil from the chain would adversely affect the turkey.
Chainsaw oil actually enhances the flavor of the stuffing, so take a note from this guy’s book and start up your chainsaw! (Jk, plz don’t do that, it sounds dangerous and gross.)
The magical, expanding bird
A new bride cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the first time in a small, apartment-sized oven wanted to make sure her turkey wouldn’t expand during cooking (as based goods do).
Um, this isn’t a soufflé, Ma’am. Your tiny oven will be just fine.
The tanned turkey
One caller asked, “How do I roast my turkey so it gets golden brown tan lines in the shape of a turkey bikini?” The Turkey chefs ended up creating bikini tan lines by putting aluminum foil in strategic places.
Lol definitely stealing this idea.
That Thanksgiving smell
One mom called in and told us about how her little girl had asked if they could slow-roast the turkey for three or four days because she like how it made the house smell.
Another alternative? Trap some of the air in the house in a plastic bag while the turkey is cooking and let the girl have a sniff inside the bag once a day. Boom. Genius. Or…you could just buy this candle.
The pre, pre-basted turkey
One man called with a dilemma. “How do I baste a pre-basted turkey?” He had a guest who was coming just to baste the turkey. He wanted to know what to have her do now that he learned Butterballs were pre-basted.
Maybe she could drink some wine? Watch some football? Run over someone in her car? (Jk about the football. No one likes to watch football on Thanksgiving.)
The thawing blanket
A caller asked, “Is if OK to quickly thaw my turkey using a heated blanket?”
Um, we’re gonna say that’s a solid no. A heated blanket is neither safe nor sanitary. Probably best to just stick to using the fridge.
The 30-year-old bird
After discovering a turkey from 1969 in his dad’s freezer, an Alabama man called to ask about the best way to cook the 30+ year-old bird.
Sure, why not, cook that bird up! If you can ignore a little frostbite, should taste good as new!
The thawing lap
A gentleman had won a turkey at the casino, and brought it home on the bus. He wanted to know if even though the turkey had thawed on his lap at bit if it was still safe to eat.
Um, lap thawing is actually the the best and most preferred method of thawing, according to Martha Stewart. And Beyonce. Never question Beyonce.
The bleached turkey
Worried about germs, a caller washed her turkey in toxic chemicals. “How do I clean bleach off my turkey?”
Umm, WTF. Has this woman eaten other foods washed in bleach before? Why did she ever think bleaching a turkey was okay?
She was told by the Talk-Line expert to dispose of the turkey. We really hope she took their advice.
That’s one way to start a new tradition…
A woman in her seventies, cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the first time, called for help because her mother said she was tired of cooking and it was time her daughter learned how to prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
The rinse cycle
“Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?”
Yep, that sounds about right. Wash away! Why doesn’t this lady have her own reality cooking show yet?
The bathing turkey
“Is it okay to quickly thaw my turkey using a bathtub?”
Nope. Not okay. Not at all. Use the FRIDGE, people. F-R-I-D-G-E.
The turkey alternative
“How do I roast a turkey for a vegetarian meal?”
May we suggest Tofurkey? Hopefully it tastes better than it looks.
“Can I use my oven’s self-cleaning cycle to speed up the cooking process?”
May we suggest not using your oven’s self-cleaning cycle? May we also ask why anyone ever thought this was a good idea?