Kids say the darnedest things. But sometimes what might be a funny story to tell at home turns in a horrifyingly embarrassing moment for their parents.
(Content has been edited for clarity.)
That Was Supposed To Be A Secret Between Mommy And Daddy
“My family is at a restaurant when the waiter comes over to check on us. We’re having a great time, so we’re a little loud but we’re having fun with the guy. He’s joking around with us, too. My stepmom jokingly says something about how it’s all my sister’s fault that we’re so loud. My 7-year-old nephew — bless his heart — pipes up without missing a beat, ‘Yeah, Mommy’s a real screamer!’
There were tears, stitched sides, and a big tip soon to follow.”
This Bathroom Stall Was Occupied With A Very Awkward Incident
“We were eating at a nice family restaurant when my three-year-old needs to pee. I take him to the men’s room, but he gets a little ahead of me. By the time I’m into the restroom, he’s trying the door to the only stall and it’s locked. Before I realize what’s going on, he’s on his hands and knees crawling under the door. I dive for his feet, but the little dude is too quick. A split second later he states firmly, ‘Dad, there’s someone in here…Hello.’
A deep voice hesitantly says, ‘Uh, hello.’ There’s nothing I can do but demand my boy crawl back through under on the unholy nasty floor.
This big firefighter looking dude has come in and has started to slip past me to the only urinal. He assumes the door has been locked by my son who has just finished crawling out. Dude proceeds to reach over and jerk on the door saying ‘Ha, let me get that open for you.’
The guy inside says loudly, ‘Come on guys,’ and scares the crap (pun intended) out of firefighter Bob who looks very confused. Meanwhile, my little man has ninja’ed a couple of his fingers in his mouth and when I see it, I gag and swing him to the sink and then got the heck out before I had to make eye contact with guy one. My son, however, thinks it’s cool to wave to him across the restaurant later, and I suddenly realize who this guy must be. My wife, perplexed, asks me why this stranger is scowling at us. I felt so bad.”
She Couldn’t Help That She Had Perfect Timing
“When my little sister was about 5 or 6, she was experimenting with the ‘F-word.’ My dad and I were sitting in the kitchen and had his back to my sister. He started to tell me, ‘Hey buddy, your sister got in trouble at school for saying the F-word, try not to laugh if you-‘ and in the middle of his sentence, my eyes snapped to my little sister who’d just dropped a muffin on the floor. She looked down at the muffin, put her hands on her hips, and yelled, ‘Effing Muffin!’ My dad and I had tears from laughing so hard. Couldn’t have timed it better.”
They Just Couldn’t Keep Their Hands Off These Bills
“Up until I was around 6 or 7, whenever my family and I were heading out of a restaurant, if I noticed that my parents were forgetting cash on the table, I would always make sure to grab it and slip it back into my mom’s purse. I didn’t know tipping was a thing. It wasn’t until I made a comment about how they were always leaving money lying around at restaurants, and how I always had to be the one to keep an eye out for it and make sure they didn’t forget it, that they realized what was going on. I learned that I cost a lot of waiters their tips.”
He Was Just Too Excited About His Sweets
“My youngest brother is a big boy – not fat, but solid, always has been, and he loves his food, particularly desserts… maybe just a little too much. At some gathering at a family friend’s place about 4 years ago (he would have been 5 or 6), whilst devouring a piece of chocolate cake, he announced extremely loudly for all to hear, ‘This cake is so good, my willy has gone hard!'”
Her Boyfriend Was Not Down For Her Little Brother’s Birthday Present
“So my boyfriend was turning 18 and I decided it would be a totally brilliant idea to have a pizza party at Pizza Hut for him. I invited a few people, and my mom and my 8-year-old brother were there. We get through dinner. We stand up and go to pay the bill. My brother, for some reason, loudly announces to the entire dining area, ‘Hey, I’ll give you a bj for your birthday!’ There were definite crickets, for about five seconds anyway.
My boyfriend was understandably horrified. He stammered for a second and say, ‘N-no, that’s okay, dude…’ very quietly, as my friends and I lost our lids. We had tears.
My brother then got really belligerent about it. ‘I’m serious, I will! Why don’t you want my bj?!’ My mom quickly crammed some money into the cashier’s hand, yanked her change back out, and then grabbed him by the arm and dragged him outside, as he cried because his gift was rejected, still yelling, ‘Let me give you a bj!’
I don’t think he had any clue what bj meant. The first time we brought that incident up to him when he was a teenager, he was really embarrassed.”
Like Mother, Like Daughter
“I was at a Chipotle eating when I noticed a bunch of chip crumbs were being thrown at my feet. I looked over to see a toddler smashing the crap out of her chips, I mean furiously breaking chips and flinging them in the air at the same time.
I’m already thinking, ‘Jeez, someone needs to control these kids…Where are the parents?’ Before I could even finish that thought, the mom screams out, with the hugest smile on her face:
‘YEAH! YEAH! SMASH THOSE CHIPS! Make as big a mess as you can!'”
Explaining His “Owie” Almost Resulted In A CPS Call
“I got a really bad burn on my arm while my dad was taking tea out of the microwave. I thought it would be really funny to slam the door on him while he was grabbing it. The result was a huge and bad burn on my arm.
Cut to a while later, my arm was almost healed, but you could still see the burn in spots. I hit my head on a table and cut it open. My mom brings me to the hospital to get stitches. Right when they are done stitching my head, I say have this conversation with the doctor.
Me: ‘Oh! My other owie is almost gone!’
Doctor: ‘What other owie?’
Me: ‘From when my daddy poured hot tea on me.’
That resulted in a very awkward conversation between my mother and the doctor. And the doctor almost calling CPS.”
He Did Not Handle Being Put In Time Out At This Funland
“I was at my girlfriend’s little brother’s birthday party at McDonald’s. There were about 12 kids, ages 3-7, running around. In the middle of this anarchy, a small kid got knocked over by an older one, so the mother of the older kid put him in time-out. She put him in the corner and he started crying and screaming.
She left him there and he started flailing all around. He literally was just in the booth FREAKING OUT. After about 10 seconds of this, he decided to get up and quietly rejoin the party. His mom noticed and yelled, ‘TIMOTHY, YOU GO BACK TO TIME OUT RIGHT NOW!’ and turned him around.
As they’re walking, he was just sulking. They went past two adults eating at a table (not part of the party) and the kid grabbed both trays of food and YANKED them off the table. Fries and a few burgers went flying. The looks on their faces were priceless (the guy had fries in his hand still). The mom ended up apologizing profusely and ended up paying for their new meals. The whole thing was just embarrassing to watch.”
Their Aunt Was Appalled By This Behavior
“My uncle and his new wife came over to visit late one night when I was about 6. I was supposed to be in bed so the adults could enjoy visiting but I was determined to stay up and see what was going on. I asked my mom in front of everybody if I could have a snack before bed, even though I’d never had bedtime snacks. My mom was strict about eating right, so of course, she said no and told me to go back to bed. I decided to make a scene and laid on the floor, begging for food, saying I hadn’t eaten in ages, that I was starving and ask for just one raisin.
My new aunt watched, horrified, as my mom stayed firm and dragged me back to bed as I fake cried and begged her not to beat me. I was a very skinny child due to illness, so my aunt probably thought I really was being abused, but the truth is that I had good parents, I was just a little prick sometimes.”
This Little Girl Should Never Answer The Phone Again
“At Thanksgiving dinner with the whole extended family…
7-year-old girl: ‘Aww, I missed it!’
Mother: ‘Missed what, honey?’
Girl: ‘The phone stopped vibrating. When it vibrates, I like to hold it up to my privates.’
All relatives: ‘What?’
Girl: ‘Why is everyone looking at me? It feels good!'”
This Is Why We Don’t Point
“I’ve always loved coffee, even as a kid. My mom told me not to drink it because it would stunt my growth. One day when I was about 5 or 6, we were out and there was one of those canisters of coffee and I begged my mom to let me get some.
I got the same response I always got, ‘It’ll stunt your growth.’
I looked at the line and noticed a little person. ‘Is that what happened to her?’ Cue pointing and a loud child’s voice.
I didn’t understand what I did for many years, but I still feel bad about to this day.”
This Kid Went From Concerned Spectator To A Mean Bully
“In the grocery store, sitting in a shopping cart there was a kid crying (probably less than 6 years old) about how he couldn’t have cookies or something devastating like that.
Another kid, about the same age, was nearby with his mom, looking at the first kid. He called out, ‘Hey! Kid! What’s wrong? Why are you sad?’ The kid repeated this like three or four times, but the crying kid and his mom ignore him completely, while his mom was trying to tell him to leave the crying kid alone.
The concerned kid got frustrated and yelled, ‘HEY KID! HEY! SHUT THE EFF UP!’ and everyone within earshot just froze.”
They Just Wanted To Give Their Dog A Lift
“When I was around 4-5 ish, I remember my wiener dog sniffing the fridge whenever I opened the door. Apparently, some hot dogs had spilled or something earlier in the afternoon, and he seemed interested in it, so I gave him a lift into the fridge and shut the door.
I told my sister (5 years older) about it about five minutes later and she freaked out, opened the door and rescued him. I didn’t understand why he needed rescuing, he was in there eating the hot dogs on the middle shelf. He was content enough.
Some days my sister taunts me with this story (which I remember) and I retort usually with ‘HE WAS FINE, HE WAS EATING THE HOT DOGS.’
He was maybe 3 then and lived until he was 14.”
He Was More Mature Than His Own Father
“I was at a restaurant when I was 12 with my dad. Across from us, there was a husband and wife with their kid and, presumably, her parents. Anyway, the kid is being a normal 4-5 year old at a restaurant, kind of moving around in his chair talking a lot, nothing that would’ve been a problem for any normal person… that is, everyone except his dad. Keep in mind, the father is extremely short (his feet weren’t touching the ground in a regular chair). Every time his son would move or talk, the dad would start screaming at the kid. Sometimes it would be telling him to shut up and other times it would be actual yelling. It was clear which one was the more behaved. So the parents of the wife are looking on in horror and the wife is having one of those ‘not again’ moments. Then the father took it too far. He actually started swinging his feet at the kid trying to shut him up, and this isn’t like the guy next to you is talking too loud so you gently tap his leg, it was full-fledged rapid kicking. Pretty disgusting to watch, especially considering it being in public with people all around.
On a lighter note, every time the guy swung his feet, they wouldn’t reach the kid because he was so short, and at times he was slipping out of his chair trying to reach the kid. Meanwhile, my dad and I are looking on and cracking up watching this tiny jerk fail to be an abusive father and he ended up trying to come over and yell at us, but when my dad and I stood up we were both much taller than him, so we laughed some more. He then retreated to his table and sat the entire time mumbling to himself and thankfully ignoring his family. After that we had the cops come because he actually ended up hitting his kid and the wife much earlier, and I really hope that is no longer a family.”
They Were Sure Border Patrol Was Going To Take Them Away
“I remember one time my family was crossing the border into the States and we had garbage left over from the food we picked up on the drive there. My little sister noticed there was a big piece of lettuce on the floor as we were next in line for the border crossing. She immediately freaks out since our parents taught us about what we couldn’t bring across the border, which includes produce. I was only 9 or 10 myself, so I was panicking too, and I think the both of us were just screaming, ‘THE LETTUCE!’
My parents obviously have no idea what’s happening as we drive up to the border agent. My dad couldn’t even say a word to this guy because my sister and I were scream-crying in the background. And she was aggressively smacking me with the lettuce because I wouldn’t hide it in my coat pocket. Border agent dude looked super annoyed and let us through in about ten seconds flat.
You’re welcome, Mom and Dad.”
Name-Calling Was Definitely The Answer Here
“We were leaving Jimmy John’s a few months ago as this group of youths was entering. One of the girls said to her friend, ‘You’re so weird’ and apparently my 3-year-old thought she was talking to him because without missing a beat he stopped, pointed at her, and said, ‘No, YOU’RE weird!’
They laughed, thankfully, and of course, we did too.”
This Little Girl’s Voice Could Pierce Steel
“My sister once stuck her hand up my mom’s shorts in a bakery and said very loudly, ‘Mommy, you’re not wearing any underwear.’ My mom, of course, was embarrassed and laughed nervously, telling her she was wrong. My sister was undeterred and kept insisting that she didn’t have any on until we were forced to leave.
Another time she got up and stood on the pew during mass while everyone was praying and sang, ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’ at the top of her lungs and did so until my dad carried her out the door.
It was the most entertaining mass I’d been to. EVER.”
This Is Why You Stay Away From The No-No Square
“I was at a restaurant with my family when I was little. I went to the bathroom and after a few minutes, I started screaming for my Mom. She ran into the bathroom terrified something had happened. In reality, I was sitting on the toilet with the stall door wide open and my pants around my ankles. I looked down and noticed I was aroused, and I looked at my mom and yelled, ‘It’s as hard as a woodchip!!’ My mother looked at me and asked why that was. I said I was poking it and it started to grow!
I didn’t know this story until my dad told it to my girlfriend whilst she was over meeting my parents for the first time. My parents thought it was hilarious and my girlfriend thought it was more than a little funny. However, she responded to my parents by in a grave tone saying, ‘Unfortunately the condition still exists. We aren’t quite sure why but after extensive research every time I ‘poke it,’ it still becomes hard as a “woodchip.”‘”
Well You Don’t See This On Your Everyday Drive Through The Neighborhood
“While driving through my neighborhood on a hot summer day, I had my windows down since my car’s a/c wasn’t working well. I saw a little boy playing next to a sprinkler. As I got closer I realized he was also eating chocolate candy bars. The chocolate was completely melted all over his hands, chest, and face. Then I realized he had his wee wee out… He was peeing on the plants in the yard. As I passed, I heard him yell, ‘I’m watering the plants, Mommy!’ I laughed, I cried, but drove away quickly in fear of being pegged as some predator. In my rearview mirror, I saw the mom come running out and quickly cover her son up.”
His Jokes Definitely Didn’t Go Over Well
“Once I was at a talent show, in my elementary school, and a nice, cute looking kid who was no older than seven years old was telling jokes. They were innocent enough, like some puns and knock-knock jokes. Then, he says:
‘What do you call an Asian who shares? I don’t know, I’ll tell you when I find one.’ With a sneer on his face.
A little backstory. The kid, whose name was Jack, always had a crappy lunch (vegetables). And some other kids in the class (most of them were Chinese) had these awesome 5-star quality lunches. Every day Jack would say, ‘Give me your lunch, I don’t want mine,’ and they always refused, saying, ‘This is our first meal today, we don’t eat breakfast.’
Once the principal heard that joke, he freaked out. He ran up to the stage, and lifted Jack, carrying him back out of the gym.
The principal was slow, so Jack also managed to say, ‘What do you call a Mexican on a riding mower? Promoted.'”