Thanksgiving is supposed be a time to give thanks and come together as family and friends. Unfortunately, the Native Americans and Pilgrims didn't realize how many headaches it would cause so many centuries later. We may love our extended families, but we don't always get along. For some, Thanksgiving is just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. From fistfights and heart attacks to exploding septic tanks and table flipping, these Thanksgiving fiasco stories have it all. Content has been edited for clarity.
This Thanksgiving Absolutely Stunk
“We had just moved to a new state a few months beforehand. My family was trying to make friends in our area, specifically in our church, so we invited pretty much everyone we knew to our house for Thanksgiving. We also had about three families visiting from out of town and staying with us so about ten extra people including ourselves and the church congregation.
So as expected, we had a large turnout, especially around dessert time. All was well and good, until someone exited the bathroom and informed my parents that the toilet was royally backed up despite several plunging attempts.
Absolutely nothing will flush.
So the men roll up their sleeves and get to work. Now we have about ten men running all over the house doing their best MacGyver to solve the mysterious blockage. The Mystery Gang run outside into the backyard and are met with wet, mushy grass. Oh no.
Yep you guessed it. Our septic tank downright exploded on Thanksgiving, with about 50 people in our house. A lot of these 50 people being kids with tiny bladders who can’t control their bowels very well. Let’s also note that this was in the middle of the night on Thanksgiving so calling a plumber is probably out of the question. The only place to use the bathroom was behind our shed. We quickly set up barriers, one side for men and the other for women.
The party files out (far later than you’d expect after such a hazard occurring) but we still have a lot of people staying the weekend. The septic tank guys can’t make it til mid-day Friday, so we end up just completely destroy the back of the shed with our post-feast blowouts. By the time the toilets were working the backyard was filled with poop. The smell? Unbearable.”
Who Brings Pepper Spray To Thanksgiving?
“As a paramedic, holidays were not something guaranteed. I worked my share of them.
Anyway, one year I was working Thanksgiving and for the most part it was pretty quiet until we get a request by police to respond to the scene of a domestic situation. It’s 2:00 PM and almost everyone is sitting down to eat their turkey. This family was the same except an argument started over something pretty silly. I think it was about who should carve the turkey.
Anyway, the story goes…the argument becomes heated, fists begin to fly between the men. Women are screaming at the men to stop it. One of the women grabs her purse and takes out her pepper spray and proceeds to pepper spray the men who are fighting. Another woman grabs her own spray and sprays the first woman. This was all done while still around the table. Another person at the table calls the police. By the time the police arrive, the fight has stopped but now there are three people with pepper spray in their eyes. The dinner is ruined and others are leaving.
Happy Thanksgiving!”
“One Of The Kittens Jumped Into The Fryer”
“This one isn’t trashy, but it is kind of redneck.
My wife’s family lives on a small farm. Like any small farm, they have a barn full of cats that become progressively more inbred with each passing generation.
One year, they (her family, not the cats) decided to get a turkey fryer for Thanksgiving. I personally find the idea appalling, but there’s an entire turkey-fryer industry that exists because there are people who refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been fried in oil at least once.
A few people went outside to fry the turkey. My wife and I began making bets about which family member would be responsible for inadvertently setting the house on fire. We waited with anxious anticipation for someone to come in screaming that the porch was on fire.
Instead, someone came in and casually said, ‘One of the kittens jumped into the fryer.’
We all froze and looked at him. There may have been screams as well. The bearer of this news, though, didn’t even seem upset.
He was bewildered as to why we were all so horrified. Then he explained that it happened before they turned on the heat. They were able to fish the kitten out and set it loose, no harm done.
We all breathed a sigh of relief.
Then, my mother-in-law pointed out that they had basically coated the kitten in delicious oil and set it loose in an area filled with coyotes.
Happy Thanksgiving!”
Suck It Up, Buttercup!
“One Thanksgiving, my boyfriend and I went to my dad’s house. My aunt and uncle and their four kids joined us. Two of their kids were really young (like 3 and 5), one was in high school, and one was on break from his first year of college. The college student decided he would show off for his family how much he could drink.
Now, my dad and his parents were the type of people who would be impressed by this, so they egged him on. Finally, late at night, he was stumbling, stupidly wasted. The 3 and 5 year old were crying that they wanted to go home, but their parents weren’t done partying yet. My dad told my uncle to get my plastered cousin outside so he could sober up a bit. Instead of doing that, they snuck him down to my room and laid him down in my bed.
I told my dad that if he threw up in my bed, we were leaving. He threw up in my bed. My step-mom and aunt were trying to hide it from me, but of course, I found out. My dad was begging me to stay, and my boyfriend went down to my room just in time to hear my aunt say, ‘If she still thinks it smells like puke down here, she can just suck it,’ as she’s cleaning up the vomit.
That side of the family just can’t figure out why I want nothing to do with them anymore. My husband (who was the boyfriend in the story) reminded me that after my cousin threw up in our bed, they tossed him outside on the lawn, so they could clean up. Awesome.”
It Was The Last Time Grandma Cooked The Turkey
“My senile grandmother prepared Thanksgiving dinner as usual, the standard American offerings as you’d imagine. Also, as usual, no one was allowed in the kitchen during this cooking as she was typically a Terminator when it came to banging out a rock-solid spread that would put any Thanksgiving stock photography to shame and we knew better than to get into her way.
Welp, not that year. We came into the dining room to the usual spread of Turkey, sweet potatoes, stuffing, ham, mushroom gravy, and so on. Only nothing had been cooked. Nothing. The turkey was stuffed, but it was merely defrosted. The ham was cold, as it hadn’t been cooked at all. The gravy was more like mushroom and butter floating in water. The sweet potatoes… well, no need to go on.
It was awkward. We pretended to eat, but not for long. After she went to bed, we went out for Chinese.”
The World Is Rob’s Bathroom
“Alright, this is a bit of a long story, but here goes.
The day before Thanksgiving was my buddy’s 21st, so a bunch of our friends who were home from school decided to go out together to celebrate. My sister, her husband, and their three young children were staying at my parents’ house in our spare room, which is just down the hallway from my room.
One of my friends, we’ll call him Rob, starts pounding drinks while we’re at the bar. Fast-forward three hours and it’s last call– Rob is absolutely hammered, as am I, so I tell him he can crash at my place.
I set him up on my futon in my room, which, like my entire second floor, is carpeted. It’s also only about 7 feet from the bathroom (this is important) and put him to bed. Being hammered myself, I end up before the porcelain throne for about an hour. When I stammer back into my room, Rob is soundly passed out on the futon and I collapse into bed. This is at about 2:00 AM.
Some time later, I am awoken to a sound something like rain on a tin roof. I struggle to sit up in bed, and see a figure in the corner of my room. It’s Rob. The sound which woke me up was him peeing on a metal sign that had been leaning against my wall. I angrily shout to him and shove him, and he stops peeing. He looks at me with a confused expression and asks me what’s going on. I am still hammered at this point, so I just swear at him and try to lead him towards the bathroom, away from the large puddle of pee in the corner of my (carpeted) room. On our short trip to the bathroom I step, barefoot, in wetness. I look down and there is a giant wet spot on the carpet, about 7 feet by 3 feet. Rob had literally just stood in my doorway, steps from the bathroom, and peed most of the length down my hallway and into my room, thoroughly soaking the carpet. I am speechless at this point, and drag Rob into the bathroom to attempt a clean up.
When we enter the bathroom, I am overcome by the smell of human feces. The toilet, however, is clean. I glance around the room in search of the culprit, and I notice that the shower curtain is drawn open about a foot. I get closer, and see several dark shapes. I turn on the lights and am greeted by three huge logs sitting in the shower.
‘Rob,’ I stammered with disbelief, ‘did you poop in the shower?’ I stammer out in as controlled a voice I could manage, as my three young nieces and nephews were asleep just next door to the devastation.
I make Rob clean up the shower with toilet paper and flush the stuff down the toilet, and then I ran some hot water in the shower, which to my wasted self seemed sufficient to clean it. I grab some towels out of the shower and throw them on the wet spots while Rob is in the bathroom. Inebriated me thought, ‘those towels will be fine enough for now, I’ll deal with it in the morning.’
Oh, how wrong I was. Finally, I throw him back onto the futon and go back to bed.
The next morning, Thanksgiving, my sister came in to check on us and stepped in one of the puddles that I had missed with the towels, starting off a chain reaction of embarrassment, shame, and judgement at the hands of my family the likes of which I only thought existed in movies. Even though I myself had not done the deed, I felt like a dog which had pooped in the house, but ten thousand times worse. It was magnified even more so by my epic hangover and the guilt stemming from the fact that this sloshed debauchery had taken place while my little nieces and nephews were only steps away, and in the bathroom and hallway which they used.
I can only imagine how my friend felt, as he had been blackout the entire time and was shown the extent of his actions in the harsh light of morning. After about 20 minutes of shouted disbelief by my family and several clumsy attempts at cleaning the devastation, Rob gives my parents money to hire a cleaner and I drive him home. Needless to say, the rest of Thanksgiving was a little awkward.”
Don’t Try This At Home, Kids
“When I was fourteen, my family decided to go out to a restaurant for Thanksgiving. This restaurant in particular served all sorts of cutesy drinks – appletinis, mochatinis, you name it had a ‘-tini’ in the name.
Six or seven rounds later, everyone was so wasted that they cried. I was also allotted quite a few sips so, for a very naïve fourteen-year-old, I was pretty tipsy. They decided that I was the most sober out of everyone there (and I’m pretty sure I was), so they made me drive them all back to my aunt’s house. I basically learned to drive right then. Keep in mind the ‘car’ was my aunt’s house-sized SUV that went from 0 to 60 in maybe two hours. I had no idea what the heck I was doing, but somehow I got everyone home.
No one ever, ever talks about that night. However, when I passed my driving test two years later, I got a lot of responses along the line of ‘We all knew you’d pass!’
Uh yeah, flooring it down the freeway as a sloshed fourteen-year-old teaches you pretty quick.”
Trailer Park Thanksgiving
“When I was a kid, we went to my stepmothers eldest daughter’s house for Thanksgiving. Her extended family was all there too. There had to be at least 20 people there and this was all taking place inside a single wide trailer house, so it was cramped to say the least. Most of us had to eat outside on a couple of fold-out tables and the wind was so bad you had to hold your plate down so it wouldn’t blow away.
I should also point out that we didn’t have turkey, dressing, or anything else you might think of to eat when you think Thanksgiving. We had hot dogs and those cheap frozen hamburger patties cooked out on the grill along with generic brand chips.
There was one pie someone brought but it got ruined during the big fight my stepsisters had in the house. The dining room table was flipped over spilling the soda, pie and chips everywhere and the oldest sister threw a full piggy bank at her sister just missing her and putting a hole in the wall. Her husband tried to break up the fight and got a bloody nose for his trouble. I don’t remember too much after that because I spent the rest of the day sitting in the car playing my Game Boy until it was time to leave.”
One Pun Too Many
“My uncle and grandfather don’t have a good relationship, but were tolerating each other because it was Thanksgiving. My uncle was cooking lasagna and my grandfather decided to help, so he grated the cheese. He did this in another room, because the kitchen was full of other people cooking (we have a big Thanksgiving with maybe 15-20 people who love to eat). I brought in the cheese and everything was going fine.
Flash forward to dinner time, the food is coming out, and as tradition dictates, we always start with lasagna. My grandfather made some joke like,’I know you hate me, but at least I’m grate,’ and then everything went downhill.
My uncle flew into a rage, and yelled at everyone because we didn’t tell him he was using ‘tainted’ cheese. Then he said ‘eff it’ and proceeded to flip the table ALL the food was on. Then, my grandfather called him outside to settle the score, which resulted in two grown men fist fighting in the backyard, culminating with my granddad getting thrown into the pond we lived off of and slicing his leg on a jagged rock that he landed on.
The rest of us ordered Chinese food and kicked my uncle out. My grandfather refused the hospital because he had a little too much ‘holiday joy’ in him at the time. Unsurprisingly, my uncle hasn’t come to holidays in years now…”
Playing Opossum
“Grandmother didn’t like my dad very much and she picked a fight with him, so he decided that he was going home.
When grandmother realized that my stepmom (her daughter) was going to take dad’s side and go home too, she yelled a lot and then, as a last ditch effort, dramatically clutched her chest and collapsed very carefully (it was outside and I guess she didn’t want to bump her head or mess her clothes).
Dad offered to call 911. Grandfather said it wasn’t necessary, and when grandmother realized no one was taking her seriously, she opened her eyes, allowed grandfather to help her up, and went inside with him while fake sobbing.
Normally, she was quite nice, but she had her moments and really wasn’t happy that her daughter had grown up and had a life. Holidays usually brought out the worst in her, which was weird because she loved cooking and celebrating.”
Try To Do Something Nice And This Happens!
“Last year, after Thanksgiving dinner, my brother and I decided to go to the movies. After calling ahead to make sure the theater was open, my brother offered to bring the guy working at the ticket booth a plate of food (he’s a chef and had prepared it himself), since he felt bad that the guy had to work on Thanksgiving.
We go in to watch the film, and when we get out, there are a pair of police officers waiting for us. Apparently the ticket booth guy had an allergic reaction to something in the food and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He ended up being alright.”
Hey Look You’re On TV!
“My best friend invited me to Thanksgiving at her future sister-in-law’s house. Nice of her, but I declined because I had other plans. However, BFF said it was important that I come and confided in me– you see, BFF and her fiancé had both been married before and they didn’t want the hoopla of another wedding and people giving presents when their house was fully furnished, etc. They just wanted to get married without all the fuss and decided to do so at sister-in-law’s big house that Thanksgiving because all of their family members from both sides would be there. The plan was to hang out, eat dinner and after dinner announce that they were getting married. NOW. BFF’s sister was an ordained minister at her gay church and would officiate the ceremony.
So, after a pleasant afternoon and a delicious turkey dinner, fiancé goes to his car and comes back with a cooler that’s filled with bottles of bubbly, sparkling cider for the kids and other goodies. BFF gathers everyone in the pretty backyard and makes her announcement and BAM: they tie the knot with all their family around, we drink and toast the happy couple. I had wondered if her sister-in-law would be peeved that it was sprung on her, but she was crying with happiness for her brother and laughed when I pointed out that she had just catered his wedding reception. Everyone was happy and it ended a very nice day.
BFF and her new husband get in their car and take off to a hotel for a couple of days for their honeymoon. Again, low key, just a hotel on a beach. The next week when I chat with her, BFF tells me that when they got to the hotel, they entered the room, dropped their luggage and turned on the TV on the screen was an episode of COPS… and they are staring at her new husband’s niece getting arrested. His other sister and her kids (one of whom was the niece on TV) were all at the dinner and that sister-in-law had never mentioned then (or in previous weeks) that her daughter had been arrested. And was on an episode of COPS.”
A Sad Thanksgiving
“Thanksgiving 1997: my addict father (who was the only person who knew how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey) had stolen a bottle of pills and gotten himself hauled off to jail five days prior.
My mother, trying hard to maintain some normalcy for her two teenagers invites some family over for Thanksgiving, but they can’t come because of the late notice and bad weather conditions. So, my mom gets a turkey to cook, but the only ones left are ginormous and take forever to defrost. She throws the bird in the oven anyways and it’s a bust. The whole huge thing is a mushy waste. We end up eating cold cut sandwiches instead.
My mother didn’t have money or time to make sides either, so she picked up containers of mac and cheese and coleslaw from the grocery deli. They were set on the table in the same containers and…less than good. I tried to help by making oven rolls, but I messed up and burned them. Mom is a fantastic baker and was always in charge of the pies and wanted to try and make them, but for obvious reasons, ran out of time. There wasn’t one to be bought that late, so we had a box pound cake and can of Reddi-wip. I remember my 14-year-old brother crying at the table.
In retrospect…my god, what a devastating, heartbreaking mess we were all carrying that year! We laugh about it now thankfully.”
Grandpa’s Last Thanksgiving
“My worst Thanksgiving was in 2005. I was a freshman in high school and playing video games while my mom was working a late shift the night before Thanksgiving. We were living with my grandpa at the time. It was late and I heard him calling from downstairs. He usually came partway up the stairs, even though he had a hard time doing so, before he called up to us for anything, so I should have realized that something was wrong based on the distance he was yelling from.
I went downstairs and he was in his living room recliner like usual, but had to ask me to help him to the kitchen table, which I had never had to do before. I had to hold him over my shoulder, but we made it to the kitchen and got him seated in his favorite chair. I wish I remembered more than that, but I’m sure I went upstairs and continued about my life as usual. The next morning, I just remember my mom coming into my room crying. Grandpa had died in his sleep. I couldn’t even work up the courage to say goodbye before the coroners took his body away. I realize now how much I could have learned from him and think about his passing every year around this time.”