"Last Christmas, my coworker (who was supposed to be my designated driver) killed a bottle of vodka without realizing it at the CEO's house. He also insulted many people's gifts, to the point of offending people during the white elephant gift exchange. He proceeded to pull the CEO's daughter on his lap and faceplanted into her chest. Then he hurled in at least four rooms of the CEO's house. And kept the CEO's wife up all night because he was scared he was going to die of alcohol poisoning.
Plot Twist: He Just got a promotion last month."
"I worked at Nintendo of America, in Redmond, Washington. The Christmas party was always a suit-and-tie affair at a swanky downtown hotel. Two employees would dress up as Mr. and Mrs. Claus, and you could get a photo taken with them.
My co-worker, Chuck, is a six-foot-two psychopath with a limp mohawk. He has tattoos up and down each arm and rides a motorcycle. He's also the son of a local car dealer magnate, so he has a bit of the spoiled rich kid attitude that he can get away with anything.
Chuck and I worked at the Nintendo call center, where we told people how to beat video games all day long. It was the only job I've ever done better out of it, than sober. It's also one of the few jobs where they give you a game system at your desk and ask you to play while you work.
Back to the Christmas party; Chuck is hammered, despite the alcohol being doled out at the rate of two drink tickets per person. When he gets to the photo opportunity with Mr. and Mrs. Claus, he stands to face Mrs. Claus (back to the camera), swaying slightly, then drops to his knees, sticks his head under her skirt and yells: 'Take the picture!'
He was escorted off company property by a security guard the next day."
"The boss at my company had this idea that every Christmas, someone from the company had to be Santa. He thought it was good for everyone's morale, knowing that Santa was one of us. Go figure.
Anyway, comes the time for the 'office giftmas party,' and I end up being nominated for the Santa role.
I am new to the company, and everyone tells me that saying 'no' is a bad idea because our boss feels strongly about the whole Santa thing. Anyway, the party is boring, I am sweating my butt off in the Santa suit (yep, purchased and paid for by the company), and no one is having a good time. I tell my buddy that this stuff sucks. He says you are Santa, do something.
So, I get this idea that we should have a Santa contest where hot girls from our office do a dance or something and Santa gives them gifts if they dance well.
Soon, dances are pretty racy, girls are feeling competitive, so they end up stripping for Santa. That was one and only office party where I got tons of free dances from good looking chicks and lots and lots of tongue (frenching was introduced towards the end of the contest).
I believe that the fact that I was dressed like Santa made me anonymous, so the girls had no problem with doing all kinds of inappropriate stuff to me. Best Christmas EVER. I never got nominated for Santa again, though."
"A while ago, I had a temp boss (Debby). As a boss, she had a good sense of humor, so the pranks in the workplace came thick and fast.
In one prank, a colleague (Reon) and I got all the potted plants on our floor and stacked them on and around her desk. Not a great prank, but funny enough at the time. I took a few cell phone pics of the resulting 'jungle.'
Fast-forward to just before the temp boss is about to finish up and leave. We go out for dinner. We all were a little drunk. I get my cell phone out and find the pictures of the 'jungle.' I wave it around at all who is interested.
'Look!' I say, 'Debby's bush!'
She's sitting opposite, so I'm looking straight at her as she realizes what it is I just said. The shock starts to spread across her face.
Quick as a whip, Reon pipes in.
'It needs a trim!'
Meltdown. Absolute abject meltdown! Debby just breaks down into laughter. I can't control myself either. We laugh. Long and hard. Then we get over it and finish the evening. Then we head home.
For the purposes of this story, it's important to note that where I live is in a cellular black spot. This means I'm lucky simple text messages can get in and out to our place. If at all.
I had forgotten this, and not wanting to lose that humorous moment in my drunkenness, on getting home, I text Reon with 'Debby's bush needs a trim!' and then fell into a drunken sleep. Not realizing that my text hadn't actually sent.
Up I get in the morning go to work. Unbeknownst to me, the text sends from my cell phone when I emerge from the 'black spot' and back into cell range. I don't realize this has happened. And even if I did - what's the big? It's still funny.
I'll tell you what the big is.
I got to work that day and Reon's face is in his hands. He looks grumpy and dour. 'What's up with you?' I ask. 'I left my cell phone at home!' he replies. 'Oh?' 'My wife got your text,' he says, 'then she called me up.' He puts on a falsetto voice: 'Who is Debby and how do you know her bush needs trimming?'"
"We were at a company golf outing where I ended up pairing with a friend of mine (Steve) and one of the company lawyers - both who were big drinkers. We were randomly teamed up with the president of the company to round things out. The company culture was conservative - our president was not a complete stiff, but close.
By the turn, Steve and the lawyer had at least six drinks. I was in the cart with the president and felt obligated to drink only as much as he did (one beer). While on the tee box, waiting our turn, Steve said to the president: 'I've got a joke for you!'
He proceeded to reach under the president's arm from behind - looping his hand behind the President's neck while saying: 'What's this? That's right, it's a half-nelson.' This was not going to turn out well. Steve then put our president into a full-nelson with the whole 'what's this' routine. He then started bucking his crotch hard against the backside of our company president saying: 'And THIS is a father-nelson!'
The lawyer was doubled over laughing, I stood there like a dope and our president threw Steve off yelling: 'What are you doing?' Maybe 12 people were standing around watching in shock. We played mostly in silence for the next nine holes.
It was a career limiting move for Steve, but he wasn't fired."
"At my old job, we used to drink at about 5 p.m. every Friday. It was a laid-back office. We'd often have parties just for the heck of it too. Many of the people had mini fridges with a beer in it, and they even made a mini bar with wheels that was well stocked. Bad place to work if you like alcohol.
This was an engineering firm with about 500 employees and four offices. Only mine was laid back though and we had about 200 of the employees located there.
We were having a party, and this lady ended up getting too drunk to drive home and she said she just wanted to sleep there. We tried to offer her a ride, but she refused, talked to her for awhile, and just figured ok, well we'll leave her then, she seemed trustworthy enough that she wouldn't try to drive or anything.
So I come in on Monday morning to hear what happened on Saturday. Apparently, one of the office managers came in the next morning and smelled puke after he walked into the office. Traced the smell to her desk where it was all over the desk, the keyboard, and the floor.
He then followed the smell, and perhaps bits of puke, to the women's bathroom to find her passed out on the floor.
Very limited office parties after that, and no more drinking on Fridays."
"A guy started at our place as a techie. The first day at work is our annual Trustee dinner, and he is delighted to be invited. Proceeds to drink with all of us (we might have had a bit more experience than he) and gets real drunk, starts heckling the speakers - like the heads of corporations. Then starts wandering around the banquet hall while speakers are talking - seriously, about budgets and stuff. In the dark, his trail is obvious. We hear him stumbling, stepping on toes, oops-ing, and finally falling on a whole table.
He is then ejected, by our department.
We had to show up early the next day to decide who would call him and un-hire him ASAP. The head of our place thought it was hilarious, but was glad we got rid of him."
"I worked at a bar, and we had a party at the bar. We had a DJ and free booze for all the staff.
We advertised for a month and the drink specials were great that night, so all of our regulars came out and got smashed with us. The hostesses, two 16-year-old girls, showed up all tramped out. The girls managed to get drinks from customers and stupid cooks that were already drunk. I had to open for Sunday brunch the next day, so I talked this waitress into going home with me early.
As I'm leaving, at about 1 a.m., I see the 16 year old backing it up on the dance floor with the 30-year-old owner of the bar and his best friend. The next day, I get to work and there is no hostess. The owner shows up right before we open to say that he fired the girls for underage drinking on the job in front of our customers. After work that day one of the girls called me and told me the story. They went home with the owner and his friend, hooked up with them, and stayed the night.
The next morning, at breakfast, the owner is like: 'You know you're fired right?' A lot of the waiters, including myself, quit over the next month."
"I have a friend who works for a bank.
For some reason, their holiday party was being paid for by a law firm. During this party, which had a karaoke machine present, my friend got rip-roaring drunk on shots and booze he normally wouldn't drink but did so because someone else was footing the bill. Being fully fueled by liquid courage, my friend grabbed the mic and proceeded to try and start a chant to the effect of '(Name of the law firm) SUCKS!' After chanting that a few times, he sang an AC/DC song and left.
If that wasn't good enough he proceeded to walk to a gentleman's club with some of his co-workers where he would eventually get a dancer's phone number. On the way, he stopped, climbed up the side of the Harvard Club, stood on the windowsill and peed on the window in front of co-workers he has never really hung out with outside of work.
At some point in the night, I think he went back to his office and took a guy's tie and ran it through the shredder.
All in all, it was a good party."
"This party happened on a booze cruise.
We start the evening with a buffet dinner and then the bar opens up, which included, dancing, karaoke, and drinking. A big girl who was always straight-laced started booty dancing on the floor and ended up going home with one of the waitstaff from the boat.
A guy (from HR) sang 'Superfreak.' Every word of it. The room fell silent. Someone pooped next to the toilet and left the pile there, perfectly mounded up. No one ever fessed up to it, but we suspect it was the guy named Jeremy that everyone calls Germy. The COO's nephew (who works in sales) got schnockered, couldn't handle his liquor, and walked around trying to kiss the women and pick fights with the men.
When no one would fight him, he laid down on the dancefloor, spread eagle, with his middle fingers up, yelling: 'Screw you!' at everyone. And then, of course, there was the best part of the night, when we were invited by the emcee to go the to the observation deck of the boat to see the skyline.
People headed that way, only to find the regional manager being fellated by an administrator. Awesome."
"At the company Christmas party, I got into a drinking contest with a different co-worker who was probably three times my size.
I remember filling two Dixie cups full of vodka and presenting them smugly. I told them I mixed them with lemonade. We raise glasses and start drinking except he spit his out (as it was pure vodka) and I slammed mine. This was after enough beer to dull the sting. Noticing he hadn't finished his, I figured I'd show him who was boss, and so I slammed his too.
I don't remember much else from that night. Apparently, I ordered $100 worth of Pizza, face planted into one of them, repeatedly fell off the bar-stools, was completely free of any secret thought I had about any of my co-workers ever, and to finish the evening off, I puked all over my bosses couch. The wife of one of my co-workers had to clean it up, and she was so grossed out she left the party early.
Good time. I haven't worked there for over a year, and they still talk about it."
"At one Christmas party, one of our newer employees who I had become friends with and I decided to get a few shots. We had played some bad Christmas music earlier in the night with a quickly assembled guitar, banjo, and mandolin three pieces.
After about half a bottle of scotch and the four bottles of wine on our table, our wives decided that it would be a good idea to leave our Christmas party. My coworker and I decided to crash the Christmas party down the hall for another company. I (supposedly, no recollection of this) was wearing my mandolin strapped across my back like it was a sword, got on their microphone and started rambling, then, when confronted by the DJ, threatened him with the mandolin and faked a jump kick at him.
We were removed from the party and demanded that our wives to either take us to some kind of diner or back to my house to drink beer.
After our delicious meal at the diner, my wife got angry because somebody parked about six inches from her driver door. My coworker figured he would make it easier for her to get in the car by punching the guy's passenger mirror off, in front of three cops. The cops looked at our sad state, and our poor emotionally drained womenfolk, and just shook their heads and went into the diner."
"My fiance, myself, and my two boys once went to my boss's party at his house once. His wife was the nicest lady I ever met and kept saying our house is your house type lines. My kids are ripping through all their stuff as kids do, and they're like let them play, have fun, I can clean up later. So there were like 10 kids all together, and we go outside to drink for five minutes. Everyone can see the kids through the patio doors but all of a sudden my two little demons seemed to disappear from the pack. Immediately, 'Uh, OH' runs through my mind and I go looking for him inside.
Well, seems my kid found the only marker in my bosses whole house and decided to color himself and my bosses WHITE carpet.
He was like sitting there Indian style, spinning in circles, drawing circles around his body. I'm like: 'NOOOOOOOOOO,' dive on him trying to scrub the rug and everything. Needless to say, I was busted cause my kid was covered in marker."
"A real trashy-dressing manager, decided to throw a company party, which was actually a BYOB, with her only providing the cups.
Obviously, everyone shared their booze with 'The Boss' and soon after she was telling stories about the various men she had slept with before her husband (who was sitting there mind you).
Well long story short, come Monday, after seeing us all face to face again, and realizing that would be a five-day a week remembrance of her various exploits, most of us were laid off for 'lack of work.' Best of all, she didn't fight any of our unemployment claims."
"My company had a party that included some forced-fun team events, a crab feast, and a lot of boxed wine. These are the equivalent of three glasses per box and tasted like adult juice boxes.
After the fourth box, the senior leadership was shocked to see the normally reserved developer chain smoking and chugging wine. At one point, I had a conversation with my female dev team lead and either her arm or my arm or both our arms were around each others' shoulders. I remember this from pictures and from her telling me that I requested she not fire me.
My friend/work wife drove me home. On the way in the car, I was singing loudly to the radio, cranking down the window and waving/yelling at other cars. Once we got to my place, I couldn't even tell her which apartment building I lived in despite it being the tallest and most prominent one in front of us.
I finally find my building and walk up. My friends and roommate are out back smoking a cigarette, so I join them. Then I disappear for a little while to get food while they finished their smokes. When I come back, I am empty handed, sit down immediately, and start smoking. A second later, a cop walks up and says he had a call from someone fitting my description 'disturbing the peace' over where I had walked to get food. I have no idea what that meant, but he let me go since 1) it was 7 p.m. and 2) I was right outside my apartment with people to take care of me.
Two years later, I still work at this same company, but I can't seem to go a month without someone making reference to boxed wine."
"My company a few years ago had this huge party at a fancy downtown hotel.
Drinks were all comped, food brought in by an upscale tapas joint, and everyone was dressed to the nines. The company's CEO and his gorgeous daughter (way out of my league) were present at the party. There was some mixup and I (a low-level employee) ended up being seated next to the daughter. I was obviously nervous, so before we all sat down, I drank a few glasses of what I thought was a lightly mixed drink.
Turned out that my friend (who also worked there, a low-level pawn, who was not sitting with me and was reveling in my precocious situation) had added just a bit of grain alcohol to each of my drinks (that he so graciously offered to grab from the bar for me). Needless to say, I was entirely inebriated, but beyond the point of caring about being next to my boss and his dangerously flirtatious daughter.
By the end of the night, the CEO and I were engaged in a thoughtful discussion of English philosophy. I then politely excused myself and went home and slept with my wife whom I am very much in love with. It was absolutely nuts!"
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