Motherhood isn’t for the faint-hearted. It’s sleepless nights, early mornings, endless holding and rocking to sleep. It’s tracking diapers and feedings, teething, meeting milestones, and sassy preteen attitudes. Until it’s not; because everything is a phase. One day you won’t have to rock them to sleep, you’ll stop tracking their wet diapers, your preteen won’t bristle at every hug, and they’ll just get up and move out. Okay, maybe it doesn’t go by that quickly, but any mother will tell you that it goes by quicker than they expected. Except for the first two weeks. Those are the longest two weeks of anyone’s life.
If you’re a mom-to-be, have a mom, or know a mom, read and share some of the funniest quotes on the joys and perils of motherhood.
“People praise my husband for coming to all of my doctor’s appointments with me. ‘Oh, my God. I can’t believe he comes to all your doctor’s appointments. He is so supportive.’ Guess who else has to go to those doctor appointments: Me! I’m the star of the show. There’s nothing for the camera to see if I’m not there. But he’s the hero for playing Candy Crush while I get my blood drawn.” Ali Wong
Preach, Ali Wong! Moms are kind of a big deal when it comes to carrying the baby and oh, I dunno, birthing them. Big ups to partners out there that show up though! We do appreciate you, even though it’s annoying that all you have to do is just be.
“Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” Tina Fey
Bonus points if you have a dog! The mystery of who dealt it continues.
“Having four kids is endless stuff. It’s endless entertainment, it’s endless stress, endless responsibility. Everyone’s at different ages and levels, everyone’s into different stuff. But everyone is into slime.” Maya Rudolph
Moms around the world share the same sentiment: curses to the inventor of slime!
“My friends make me feel dumb now. They’re talking about Syria and Egypt, and I’m just, like, ‘Oscar was out of control on “Sesame Street.” He was extra-grouchy today.’” Wanda Sykes
Wait, there’s more going on in the world than Elmo and the gang learning how to share their toys?!
“That’s all I do. I’m a stand-up comedian. I do a one-woman show for her, and it’s so fun. It certainly makes you appreciate marriage because you have someone else to be like, ‘Hey, can you do a one-man show now that is both hilarious and poignant for her, and is filled with physical comedy?’ So I’ve been impressed by myself, actually.” Mindy Kaling
Mindy Kaling: writer, director, producer, and all-around amazing single mom! Being a one-woman show is no joke! You will find yourself doing so many silly things, that you’ll be glad that the only person around to see it is mostly unintelligible.
“Everything is chaos. And I keep thinking, ‘Oh, it’s going to click into gear pretty soon.’ I thought I came up with the quote, ‘One child is one, two children are a thousand,’ but I think Kris Jenner was the first person to say this, so I’m just going to quote her!” Ellie Kemper
Take a deep breath. Everything will eventually be okay, even with two or more kids… right??
“I can’t look at her pictures today, because it hurts my feelings. I start wondering what she’s thinking, like, Where’s the girl with the blonde hair and the boobs?” Kristen Bell
Most working moms know this feeling and it sucks, but it does eventually get better!
“Sometimes I forget where I’m driving them to. I do just stop in the middle of road and go, ‘Where are we going? How are we in this car? Who am I dropping off? and Where are we going?’ That happens a lot. It’s a lot of forgetful stuff that every mother has to deal with.” Amy Poehler
Mom brain like whoa! Sometimes it amazes us that we make it through each day unscathed.
“We have rules around the house. I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids you’re not spending enough time with them. Just telling everybody to clean up all the time. I feel like I’m always telling people to clean up. ‘Clean up, clean up, put your dishes in the dishwasher, put your clothes in the laundry, come on now.” Reese Witherspoon
Moms of preteens and teens know the struggle! Do dishes multiply in their rooms? Where are all the socks? How does anyone keep a house clean?
“When I ask her a question, Kaavia responds with a lot of animation, and she’ll pause so you can ask her more. She follows along, but she doesn’t do baby talk. When people talk baby talk, she gives shady-baby looks.” Gabrielle Union
We are with you, Kaavia! Talk to these babies like they’re people, people! We can’t handle the baby-talk!
“All I can say is thank God she stayed friends with me because I must have been so annoying to her! Until I had kids I just didn’t understand why she couldn’t go out to my birthday dinner at 9:30 at night. Then, of course, once I had kids I was like, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I eat dinner at 5:30 now.’” Jenna Fischer
When Jenna Fischer said this about her BFF and fellow Office Ladies co-host, Angela Kinsey, all moms looked back at their pre-mom self and chuckled. So many things are scheduled and one slip will throw that baby for a loop, which, in turn, will throw your whole life off schedule. For-ev-er.
“You’re not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila. Do you know how many shots of tequila we had? None.” Mila Kunis
We are not pregnant, got it?! Unless you are planning to do the aforementioned activities, including, but not limited to crying, loss of bladder control, sweating profusely, and constantly craving pickles, then of course delivery and recovery; then we can talk.