Prisoner
“I had a person, dressed in a power suit and tie, walking a prisoner to pre-board. I was standing in the cockpit door as he walked by. He thrust his paperwork at the flight attendant as if I didn’t exist, and proceeded to seat himself and his shackled prisoner in an emergency exit row. That’s a real no-no, per Federal Aviation Requirements, and the flight attendant asked me to intervene so I told them to hold up boarding and I smiled at the guy, introduced myself, and told him it was proper to seat himself and his prisoner at the rear of the cabin.
‘No,’ he thundered, ‘This is our seat because I already talked to the captain!’
His tone seemed to be a bit imperious, so I decided to have a little fun.
I faked sincerity, ‘Oh, the captain told you to sit here?’
He grew more imperious, ‘Yes, he talked with me in the terminal!’
By now, the prisoner had started to grin as he apparently had the picture.
I responded, ‘Okay, that’ll be fine, on his airplane. But on this airplane, I’m the Captain and your seats are at the rear of the cabin, or you can leave and find the guy that you talked with and get on his airplane,’ then turned and walked back towards the cockpit.
By this point, regular boarding had started and the flight attendant had held them at the main door. As I walked past her, she told the passengers to go ahead and board, so I turned and looked just in time to see the guard and his grinning prisoner getting seated in the last row. Very funny. Actually, later, the flight attendant had to caution him about handcuffing his prisoner to the seat, another no-no. The guy was a little over the top, to say the least.”
Alaska Pilot
“I was carrying tourists on a flight one Summer evening from Fairbanks to Ft. Yukon, Alaska, and back in a Piper Navajo. It was a normal evening run, about an hour up, an hour and a half for their tour while I got ready for the return flight and then home again. We weren’t quite full so one couple with a son about ten years old asked if he could sit in the co-pilot seat. That’s an age where youngsters can understand ‘don’t touch anything’ and with his dad sitting right behind him I was agreeable.
The flight was smooth enough and I was pointing out things to folks such as a moose, some Dahl sheep, land patterns, without noticing that the young son was trying to crawl into the fresh air vent until it was too late. We usually wore long sleeve shirts to fly in and before I fully realized what was happening, he turned from the right side air vent toward me and commenced to be airsick in the crook of my right arm. His dad was apologetic, his mom was mortified, and I was the possessor of lumpy liquid trapped between my arm and my side. Of course, once it happens, the sick person feels much better so they sit up straight. Thankfully, we would be on the ground in about ten minutes.
The landing was uneventful and once on the ground, a suitable number of paper towels relieved me of my burden while the passengers got off. The tour guy was ready to roll but the parents declined to go and wanted to stay and help me clean up.
I responded, ‘No, you folks go on the bus and see the sights. Your boy will feel better and I’ll take care of the mess.’
Alaska pilots are quite adept at any number of things. In my experience, I’ve carried a full-size tombstone, a boot-legger out of town, a six-year-old girl as the only passenger, and a load of sled dogs. All in a day’s work.
I cleaned up and they all came back. The dad said they enjoyed the tour and the son was feeling better. I let him ride in the co-pilot seat again. His stomach was fine but as it happens, all of that can make you sleepy. Fifteen minutes into the flight, he started to fall asleep. A few minutes later, he was asleep and had slumped over to his left and had his head on my shoulder. His mom and dad were looking out the window and didn’t notice him for a couple of minutes and then his mom reached forward and started to move him off of me.
I told her, ‘It’s completely okay! Just leave him there. He’s asleep and he’s comfortable.’
So I flew, he slept and when we were about five minutes out I had his mom wake him up and prepare for arrival. We landed, he was fine, his mom apologized profusely, and his dad offered a sizeable tip.
I went home and washed my shirt. Another day for an Alaska Pilot.”
Volleyball Team
As a charter pilot, I flew a professional girls volleyball team from an airport in Southern California to Arizona for a match. There were enough people on the team we had two planes. I had the larger Navajo Chieftain.
While they played I waited. The match was over around ten o’clock at night but they wanted dinner so they got food and I went to the airport to get the airplane ready.
When they arrived most of the girls that got on my plane were hammered beyond belief. I asked the coach what he wanted to do and he said, let’s get them home as fast as possible. The smaller Navajo took off before me.
I had just leveled off at cruise altitude when I got a tap on the shoulder and there was one of the girls asking if she could come up. She was tall, very cute, and quite muscular as a volleyball girl might be, and absolutely hammered.
I looked back and virtually all the girls were passed out. I didn’t mind and I didn’t have a coach on board to tell her no. So I said sure. She climbed clumsily into the right seat. She was quite wasted and really slurring her words. I was at eight thousand feet which is why most of the other girls passed out. Drinking and altitude don’t mix.
We talked for about ten minutes then suddenly she stopped talking. That is when I knew I was in trouble. Five seconds later, the entire cockpit was covered in her barf. I mean it was explosive.
After throwing up, she passed out. I checked to make sure she was actually alive and then tried with what few rags I had to clean up a bit but it was pretty much a failed event. I was covered. The instruments were covered, this stuff was everywhere. It stank too. I ended up opening the small pilot window for fresh air it was so bad.
Then I smelled yet another smell. At first, I could not tell what it was but I looked over at my co-pilot seat and realized what she had done. I mean there was a pool of this stuff in her seat. The stench was unbelievable and I still had well over an hour and maybe a half to go on the flight. I almost barfed a bunch of times myself. It took all of my willpower to not heave.
Some of the girls woke up on descent and I could hear the groans and the moans and the comments about how gross it smelled. They were all accusing each other. Then one of them exclaimed, ‘Oh my word,’ as she glanced up at the absolutely disgusting cockpit and her co-player sitting in the co-pilot seat.
It was a mixture of shock and awe plus a whole bunch of pity for me that I was having to fly this plane coated in barf and smelling absolute death. I landed back at home and as soon as I was down I opened the pilot door which this Navajo luckily had to get some fresh air.
As I pulled up on the ramp the smaller plane was still there and some of the girls were milling about. As I came to stop a discussion came up on how to get my soiled right seat girl out of the plane. She was still passed out.
The coach came over and took one smell and said, ‘Oh my word!’
So the poor girl was lifted out with all the ramp guys and her co-players and the coach looking on. She was soaked as they were lowering her down the steps. She woke up and barfed again. Then she looked at me and accused me of taking advantage of her. I was so shocked I almost fell over.
One of her co-players dismissively said, ‘Oh come on Trudy, you are covered in who knows what. What guy is going want to have anything to do with you!’
It was about that time she realized that yes, she was covered in barf and who knows what. She turned about four million shades of red and tried to bolt for the bathroom inside the flight operation but only preceded in falling flat on her face. The accusation was just so wrong it was almost funny but could have been serious.
The sad part was the girl pretty much ruined a several hundred thousand dollar plane. None of us wanted to fly it even after it was cleaned out. It still stank.
I went to one of their local volleyball games and saw her play. She was actually very good. I’m glad however that she didn’t see me in the crowd or she might have died of embarrassment on the spot.”
Peanut Allergy
“I got a call from the cabin service manager one day saying a passenger in economy class has a doctor’s letter and an epi-pen for a peanut allergy. This passenger was complaining about the cabin crew serving peanuts to other passengers and said she would like to be moved to business class. The cabin crew explained they serve peanuts there also. Her retort was more space would make it safer. After checking to confirm only contact with the peanut protein can make you sick, not the smell I came up with a plan to stop her scam. I got the cabin crew to prefill the commercial upgrade form with the price and her details. I then asked the crew to tell her we would be delighted to upgrade her while we poured a drink if she would please add her credit card details so we can charge the upgrade fee. The cabin crew reported after looking rather red-faced, she declined the upgrade.
I guess the second story would be the time I overheard a passenger standing in the forward galley talking rudely and fairly loudly at the cabin manager. I peeked around the corner and noticed the passenger had his back to the cockpit so I quietly got up to see what was going on. Shortly after I approached, without making a sound he looked over his shoulder to see a six-foot-six captain standing right behind him. After a bit of a gasp, his tone became somewhat more respectful. I asked the cabin manager if everything was okay and she said it was okay then.”
E-Ticket Ride
“About fifteen years ago, I was flying from Denver to Seattle in mid-summer. Thunderstorms were everywhere. We finally departed to the North, and I had everyone seated and strapped in, including the flight attendants. In spite of this and a wide deviation around a huge storm, we encountered severe turbulence. It was so bad that in level flight at twenty-six thousand feet, we had such a violent drop that the first officer’s cell phone, which was in his front shirt pocket, flew out and backward and bounced off of the panel behind us as we dropped a thousand feet in a second.
Things stabilized, and from there on we had a smooth flight to Seattle.
My usual routine was to stand at the cockpit door and thank the passengers as they disembarked.
Well, as one passenger about my age passed, he said, ‘Wow, that was a real E-ticket ride!’
I agreed.
A few moments later, the flight attendant, who was about twenty years younger, asked, ‘What was he talking about?’
I had to explain about the old Disneyland deal of selling ticket books for the rides, and the ‘E-ticket’ rides were the more exciting ones, like the Matterhorn bobsleds. She basically looked at me like I was nuts, which was probably not far off from her point of view.”
Drinking Passengers
“One fellow decided he could get his bag out of the overhead when we were taxiing and refused to stow it again. We returned to the gate and the police took him away for ‘Failure to follow flight crew instructions.’
Another fellow thought it would be cool to takeoff in the bathroom. Again, we returned to the gate and he faced the same charges. Yet another decided punching his former friend in the face would be a good idea. We were close to landing anyway so we didn’t divert. The police met him at the gate but I don’t know the charges. The common thread of most of my problems with passengers drinking. If they were sober, they would never make these crazy decisions.
I’ve had various medical emergencies over the years. A few heart attacks which led to diverts but more often we had problems with diabetic patients who had a hard time controlling their blood sugar while traveling. They passed out in flight and we had no choice but to divert and get them to medical support. Knock on wood, I’ve never had a passenger die on a flight.”
Standing In The Aisle
“When I flew into Rio, I had a flight attendant call the cockpit to say everyone was standing up and getting their luggage. You are supposed to wait until the plane is at the gate for safety reasons
After asking the passengers to be seated twice, they did not, I made an announcement that the Federal Police will meet the plane at the gate and arrest anyone still standing at the end of the announcement.
The passengers hit the deck. Nobody wanted to be arrested by Brazilian Federal Police.”
Wrestler
“On a Brussels to Chicago flight, I had a steroided-up wrestler type guy with long bleached blond hair and an earring go berserk in first class. I think there were some recreational pharmaceuticals involved. He was wearing silver tipped cowboy boots, and after throwing the first class serving cart up against the cockpit door. He started trying to kick one of the side windows out.
I crawled over the serving cart, and attempted to reason with him. He then threw me from one end of first class to the other, and I also landed up against the cockpit door.
I decided he just wasn’t interested in dialogue at this point, and went back in the cockpit, and we initiated an emergency descent into Glasgow. Where the Chief Constable had some very big blokes in hooded black suits waiting to take him to the local dungeon.
Made for a long day.”
“Medical Emergency”
“We were going from Chicago to Milwaukee and back and then we were done with a four-day trip, so we were definitely wanting to get on with it and go home. We were all boarded and waiting for the de-ice truck to come spray us because it was snowing. After waiting for over an hour for the truck, they finally sprayed us down and we started pushing back.
As we were pushing, the flight attendant called up and told us there was a lady who wanted to get off the airplane. We told her we can’t, so the lady then told the flight attendant her baby was having a medical emergency and had to get off. Fine. We pulled back up to the gate and let her off, the baby looked fine mind you, and asked her if she needed paramedics. She denied medical attention and refused to take the baby to the clinic that was literally fifty feet away. They had checked bags, so we had to call rampers to dig through the cargo hold to find their bags. Finally, we had them off and we were getting ready to go again, about two hours late at this point.
As we were getting ready to close the door, the gate agent ran up and said when the lady found out we were the last flight up to Milwaukee, she begged to get back on the airplane and come with us. The captain and I looked at each other in shock, told the gate agent there was absolutely no way she was getting back on the airplane, and got out of there.”
Bad Weather Day
“It was a bad weather day going into St. Louis. We got struck by lightning. It happens. We got priority to land because we couldn’t be sure what damage occurred. Once on the ground, I did a walk around and saw the damage. The outbound flight, the last of the night, was cancelled because the plane was down for what I would think were obvious reasons.
We didn’t have a hotel for the night, as we were supposed to take the plane back out. So while waiting for news from crew scheduling, we were supporting the gate agent. Man, people were furious and insisting we go. I pointed out the window at the melted wingtip and large scorch mark on the aircraft.
One lady got in my face and screamed, ‘Do you think I give a care about your paint job?! Get me on that plane and get me home, or you’ll be sorry!’
Needless to say, that lady didn’t go on any flight with us the next day. Don’t mess with gate agents, or crews who are nice to them.”
Backseat Driver
“I don’t fly for a major airline, but for a smaller company in Northern Canada. The plane I fly only has eight seats, so when I have a full load of people, one person has to sit up front with me in the right seat.
One time I was flying with a full load, and the guy beside me was just one of those annoying guys who thinks they’re always right. About five minutes after take-off he asked me if I knew where we were. I told him exactly where we were, and then another couple minutes later he said we were going the wrong way. Being cautious, I checked my GPS and my other navigational aids which all indicated I was on track to my destination. I told him he was mistaken, and pointed straight ahead of us telling him that was where we needed to go. He then pointed over his right shoulder and said we should be heading back that way. By this time, I knew the guy was an idiot.
For the rest of the flight he just kept shaking his head and I kept trying to ignore him.
After we landed at our destination I just gave him the ‘how about you just let the pilots do the navigating from now on’ look.”
Airplane Mode
“Two years ago, my mom was on a plane that had just boarded and was sitting on the tarmac about to pull away from the gate. Sitting next to my mom was a typical business guy who was on a phone call yelling at someone on the other end.
A very nice flight attended comes over, leans over my mom and said, ‘Sir, you’re going to have to turn the phone off, the cabin doors are closed.’
Of course if this was economy class she would have been more forceful, but she gave him a small warning. The guy quieted down but he did not get off his phone. At this point, the flight attendants were doing the safety protocol speech as the plane backed up and all of the sudden the guy started yelling again on the phone. Another flight attendent, this time more forceful told him to turn off the phone.
The man turns to her and says, ‘Forget you.’
She gave a ‘hmm’ face then turned and went out of sight. My mom heard a door slam open and out of the cockpit came the pilot. He was so angry you could see the veins on his face.
His eyes bulged as he yelled in rage, ‘What did you say to her?! This is my aircraft and in case of an emergency I expect every passenger to follow the commands of my air staff. You disrespecting her, disrespects me and puts every person on this plane at risk!’
The business guy now being borne down upon by this massive angry ex-soldier cowered, put away his phone, and stammered an apology.
Without missing a beat, the pilot continued, ‘You can take your sorry and shove it! You are not going anywhere! It is a federal crime to disobey an order from your air crew and you can tell whoever was so important on the other end of the phone call that fact after you talk to TSA.’
The pilot went back into the cockpit and pulled the plane back to the gate. Some uniformed police came in and took the guy off.
There was dead silence on the plane then everyone in unison took out their phone, waved it in the air, and showed it was clearly in airplane mode as the guy was being dragged off the plane. She said it was like a scene out of a movie.”
