This is why we tip.
The Greatest Granny Joke
“I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper. She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her bony hand, and says ‘you know dear, I have a tattoo too’ and her husband says ‘Grace, leave her alone, she’s working’ I’m curious, I’m nosy, so I say ‘Oh really, of what?’ Grandpa rolls his eyes and goes ‘here we go.’ Grandma says ‘It’s a tiny little mouse’ using the best of her ancient breath to get the words out. ‘would you like to see it?’ Um hell yeah I wanna see a 90 year old’s tattoo! She goes ‘it’s on my hip, hold on’ and pulls her blanket off and then starts trying to pull her skirt down. Her old lady flesh is totally exposed to the sun (we were on a patio) and I’m using menus to try to shield her, I was that worried it would just burst to flames or something. She keeps pulling at her clothes going ‘hmmm now where is it, where is it’ getting dangerously close to seeing old lady pubes now. Finally she looks up at me and says ‘Well, you know what. It’s gone! I bet my cat ate it.'” (Source)
At Least She Owns It
“I was serving a mid 60’s man who kind of looked like Mr. Monopoly and two matriarchal looking ladies of the same age bracket. They were very friendly and asked me some questions about school, where I was from originally, etc. Later I am passing by their table and I hear the gentlemen turn to one of the ladies and say ‘Tell her what you are. You’re a tease.’ She then informed the other lady she was indeed a tease.” (Source)
Well That Certainly Took A Turn
People often don’t realize that when you’re sitting at the bar, the bartenders hear EVERYTHING. Sometimes I talk with guests but sometimes people have really intense and private conversations like less than a meter away from me. I’ll just keep my head down and rinse glasses and pour drinks and basically pretend I’m really busy. Just yesterday, there were two guys in their early 20’s, talking about how their girlfriends were total brats who nagged and complained all the time. They drank a lot and at one point one guy said to the other: ‘You should just sleep at my place, you can’t drive like this.’ The other disagreed and they got in a wasted argument and at one point the guy who suggested the sleepover just grabbed the other guys face and said: ‘Forget you’ and then they started making out. Just out of the blue, sloppy and wasted, making out. It was weird and hilarious.” (Source)
I once waited on a couple that broke up while I was waiting on them. They came separately. The wife showed up first. She was very chipper and friendly and I grabbed her a water while she was waiting on her husband. The husband showed up like ten minutes later. When I went to the table to grab his drink I could hear her saying ‘What’s wrong? What’s your deal? Just talk to me.’ While I was waiting at the bar for his drink one of the hosts ran up to me and said ‘hey, I think your table is breaking up.’ I look up to the corner where they are sitting and the wife is sobbing. Now what do I do? I have to bring him his drink even though surely they aren’t going to stay and eat now right? Wrong! I brought him his drink, when I set it down in front of him, expecting him to tell me thanks but no thanks we are leaving, he says ‘Do you know what you want?” through her tears she says “Yes” and orders. WTF I have to wait on these people now. I then have one of the most awkward tables of my life. Having to keep up my peppy attitude and fake smiles while this poor woman’s life is crashing down. When it was all over I set the bill down in front of the husband, expecting him to at least be kind enough to pay the bill. Alas, he pushed it back to me and said ‘Can you separate this, please?’ (Source)
This Waiter Is A Stand Up Guy
“Two guys sitting at my bar top, looking shady as ever, decided they were going to scout for the ladies. Now if you’ve worked in a continuously loud environment, you know that people will say anything when they think you can’t hear them. Man, that was stupid. ‘What about the blonde with the blue dress?’ ‘Nah, I was thinking of that one.’ He pointed to a smaller, more fragile looking brunette sitting by herself. They get quiet for a bit before the first guy asks ‘Are you sure you wanna do this?’ The second guy, ‘That’s what she gets for dressing like a lady of the night. Let’s hope she parked in the back.’ I said ‘forget that’ and called the police. They were asked to leave and one of the officers offered to follow the girl home.” (Source)
Definitely Explains The Tips
“A group of four very elderly women used to come into my restaurant. Must have been early 70’s, late 60’s at least. They would come in and sit around for a couple hours, chatting and drinking tea. They were always super nice, and left a big tip for me each time. One day I was cleaning a table near them and I overheard them talking about me. I swear, the filth that was coming out of one of their mouths was incredible. I was shocked. This sweet old lady, who was so polite, was talking about me bending her over the table and showing her what it meant to be a woman again. I was shocked. Such sweet, innocent seeming ladies, with their minds only on one thing. Explains why the tips were always so good. Couldn’t look at any of them the same again.” (Source)
That’s One Epic Life Lesson
“I had a table of two older couples, likely in their early 60’s. They were very polite and reserved (your typical old people).. until the drinks started flowing. After about their third or fourth round, I go to refill one of their waters and as I’m approaching the table from behind one of the women defensively says, ‘I may not be a scientist but I can go down really well!’ One of the men saw me trying not to laugh and so he started laughing, which prompted the wasted woman to look up at me and explain, ‘Honey, if you learn anything about love, let it be that. A man will forget how dumb you are if you can give it good.’ I died laughing, thanked her for her advice, and they left me a really good cash tip in addition to the life lesson.” (Source)
Good Ol’ Blackberry Smut
“Former waitress, here. I’ve commented with this story before, but I used to work at a sports bar/grill-type place that did pretty good weekday lunch business. One day I was waiting on a group of guys at a round table having a work lunch – they were discussing business, sharing spreadsheets, etc. At one point, I was walking up to the table to check on them, and the guy with his back towards me was fiddling with his BlackBerry, and as I get closer I see he’s watching smut. Keep in mind, this was long enough ago that internet on phones wasn’t nearly as common as it is now, so it was kind of crazy. Dude’s carrying on a conversation about financial strategies while watching smut in the middle of the restaurant. I just got their refills and made sure to approach the table from a different angle when I came back.” (Source)
How Does He Know What It’s Called?
“When I was in the front retail section of a certain country style chain restaurant, I saw a very young boy studying the toys and gifts while his mother was talking to the hostess. At the time we had a toy squid with a little propeller that was lazily drifting around the little display tank. Once he saw it his eyes went wide and he yelled in shock, ‘THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE MOMMY’S ADULT TOY!’ All of the color drained from her face as she ran over, grabbed his wrist, and fled the restaurant never to be seen again.” (Source)
Might Want To Stick To Candy Crush Next Time Buddy
“About a month ago, I served a couple that was celebrating their 30th year anniversary. They were dressed to the nines and looked very happy together. I offered to take a picture of them when I saw them awkwardly attempting a selfie. I shot a few pictures and handed her the phone back. When I went to take his empty plate, I noticed he had a kind of frantic look on his face, but I couldn’t gauge the situation. Turns out the phone was his, not hers. Five minutes later, she’s flipping out about a girl named ‘Candy’ who he was apparently texting during their anniversary dinner. Dude obviously didn’t care. They end up in an all-out brawl with everyone in the restaurant watching. Needless to say, I got stiffed on the $110 check, and I’m sure he will always blame me for getting caught.” (Source)
Good Guy Tongans To The Rescue
“Saint Patricks Day, working at a pretty busy bar in San Diego. Waiting on a table of fraternity guys from SDSU, no big deal. I take the order and notice something is seriously off with one of the guys. Bar was crowded and noisy so his bro’s did not notice it but I walked up by him and was like ‘You ok brah?’ He looked at me pale as a ghost and said ‘I just pooped my pants – it is everywhere – it is in my shoes.’ Now as a man who has been there I felt I had to help out. I also worked security at this place so I grabbed the attention of one of the big Tongan bouncers. Took the bouncer aside (and if you don’t know this Tongans are some of the most helpful people around) and told him the deal as I am starting to smell and see poop. Next thing I know the 3 big Tongan doorman come out of nowhere and muscle this guy out just saying the usual ‘Sorry guys but your friend has to go.’ They took him in the back and already had a clean pair of boxers and jeans for the guy and let him clean up in the staff bathroom and one of them actually gave him a ride home. I was busy and did not see him leave but got a cool note from their fraternity the next day and an ‘honorary’ sweatshirt and a gift certificate to Best Buy.” (Source)
Unpleasant Is Probably An Understatement
“I waited tables/tended bar in the late ’80s (The Village Inn, Coconut Grove FL), after college. Two ladies sat down at a table in my section, I greeted them and got them water. A man showed up and instantly turned pale. Turns out it was his wife and his girlfriend and they had found about each other and set him up. He had his head in his hands the whole time. I didn’t hear a lot of what they were saying, but the pieces I did hear were unpleasant.” (Source)
Needless To Say, He Totally Deserved It
“I waited tables at the Olive Garden 10 years ago. A guy and his wife sat down at a table and immediately started arguing. Something about his affair and how a baby from it was costing them money. Finally it culminated as I was bringing out their salad. As I walked away I heard the wife say: ‘Well maybe if you hadn’t gotten frisky under the sheets with our son’s girlfriend and gotten her pregnant, we could afford to eat somewhere nicer than Olive Garden. Oh look, the highlight of my meal, unlimited bagged salad. Maybe you could save up and we could go to Joe’s Crab Shack for our anniversary. Loser.'” (Source)
She’s Certainly Forward, Isn’t She?
“A waitress at our restaurant, a wealthy but crazy 45 year old divorcee, was written up four times for saying obscene things to guests. The last straw: she gave a plate of food to a man at the bar with a huge mustache and said, ‘Nice mustache, I’d like to sit on your face!’ and carried on back to kitchen as if she’d said nothing at all.” (Source)
“Once I was standing right behind a table of three ladies, just about to collect some glasses, when one said to the other two, ‘So both of you have tasted his reproductive goo?’ They then noticed me, all went bright red and apologized with heads down. I hurried away and told the rest of the staff immediately.” (Source)
Can You Blame Him?
“It was the last table of my last shift of my last day at this place. Two-top, man and a woman, both pretty attractive and looking extremely happy to be out on a date together. The meal goes smoothly. They ask for the check. I bring it. Upon returning to grab their credit card, I ask if they’d like me to box up their leftovers. He says sure. And just as I’m leaning in to grab her plate of pasta she looks him dead in the eye while holding his hand and says ‘I’m pregnant.’ I freeze a bit, then silently carry their plates back to the kitchen. I was so shocked that I went on auto-pilot mode and threw their leftovers away. The guy was NOT very hungry after that, though.” (Source)
Clearly This Man Knew What He Was Doing
“I was bringing a check for a wealthy local businessman who was dining with his girlfriend. It was a big tab, and I was already counting the tip when the woman hurled his drink in his face and yelled to an aghast room of people, ‘YOU DIDN’T EVEN PAY TO TERMINATE MY PREGNANCY!!!’ and stormed out. The man calmly brushed the ice off his suit and looking around said, ‘not the first time. Won’t be the last.’ I wheeled off and gave him the bill later.” (Source)