It seems like when someone reaches a certain age; they just don't care anymore about what comes out of their mouths or who's around to hear it. Servers are the most likely to hear the insane things that come out of the elderly's mouths since servers are often treated as if they're invisible. You never know what's going to come out of a senior diner's mouth!
(Content has been edited for clarity.)
They Had A Little Something In Common
“Once I was standing right behind a table of three ladies, just about to collect some glasses, when one said to the other two, ‘So both of you have tasted his manly essence?’
They then noticed me, all went bright red and apologized with heads down.
I hurried away and told the rest of the staff immediately.”
“It’s Because Of All Those Latinos!”
“Two old ladies, cute as can be:
Lady One: ‘Such strange weather lately.’
Lady Two: ‘They say it’s because of all those Latinos in California.’
Lady One: ‘Gosh, really?’
Lady Two: ‘That’s what the weatherman said.’
She apparently mistook La Nina and El Nino weather patterns in the Pacific for Latinos.”
Grandma Let It All Hang Out
“I was waiting on a table of a big family. There were seven of them: three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD, OLD, OLD grandma. Sitting in a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, she looked like one of those apple dolls and spoke in a whisper.
She saw my tattoos, grabbed me with her bony hand, and said, ‘You know dear, I have a tattoo, too.’
Her husband said, ‘Grace, leave her alone, she’s working.’
I was curious and nosy, so I said, ‘Oh really, of what?’
Grandpa rolled his eyes and went, ‘Here we go…’
Grandma said, ‘It’s…a tiny…little…mouse,’ using the best of her ancient breath to get the words out. ‘Would you like to see it?’ Um, heck yeah I want to see a 90-year-old’s tattoo! She went, ‘It’s on my hip, hold on,’ and pulled her blanket off and then started trying to pull her skirt down. Her old lady flesh exposed to the sun (we were on a patio) and I was using menus to try to shield her. I was that worried it would just burst into flames or something. She kept pulling at her clothes going, ‘Hm, now where is it, where is it?’ I was getting dangerously close to seeing old lady hairs now.
Finally, she looked up at me and said, ‘Well, you know what. It’s gone! I bet the kitty between my legs ate it.'”
The Things You Overhear As A Server Would Shock You
“I’ve worked in restaurants my entire life. Fine dining, casual dining, a diner. No matter what type of establishment, you always hear a lot of messed up stuff.
At the diner, I would frequently serve a woman and her somewhat obese daughter. The mother was always pleasant with a bit of a witchy air about her. I can still vividly recall the one time the daughter asked for a burger with bacon and cheese and onion rings on the side. I said sure, no problem. I asked the mother what she would like. She looked at me and, I wish I was kidding, said, ‘To not have such a disgusting pig of a daughter.’
I was shocked, looked at her for a second then said, ‘Uh, I’ll give you a few more minutes.’
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and said, ‘No, seriously. Get her a salad. You can’t look at her and say she’s a beautiful girl. She’s fat and disgusting, and at this point, I’m embarrassed to be seen with her. Would you date her?’ At that point the girl burst into tears, stood up, and ran out the restaurant. The mother made a disgusted sigh and followed her. I never saw them again.
Fine dining is another end of the spectrum. You will frequently hear lots of crazy crap, usually about streetwalkers, blow, and money. Some choice quotes:
-‘So we had three girls there. The one bimbo passed out while sucking Jim, so we took turns doing her while the other two begged us not to. We threw them $1,000, told them to shut up and do their job. We had each one licking her while we kept getting it on with her.’
-‘So we were looking at vacation homes, and the woman took us to a couple of different places that didn’t have stainless steel in the kitchen. I asked her to call her boss right then and there. She did, and when she passed me the phone, I had her fired on the spot immediately.’
‘Seriously, not stainless steel? I would have done the same. That’s disgusting.’
-‘That’s what I like about Canada. They don’t have any dirty Mexicans serving people at the table. Look at this nice young man. You can tell he doesn’t have an ounce of filthy Mexican or black blood in him. Excuse me, what is your background?’
Me, very uncomfortable: ‘Uhh, well my family has lived in Canada for three generations including me, but German, Irish and Scottish.’
‘See, not even an ounce of filthy [racial epiphet] blood in him. He’s PURE.’ They were southern American tourists.”
She Had Front Row Seats To Their Crumbling Marriage
“I once waited on a couple that broke up while I was waiting for them. The couple came in separately. The wife showed up first. She was very chipper and friendly, and I grabbed her a glass of water while she was waiting for her husband. The husband showed up 10 minutes later.
When I went to the table to grab his drink, I could hear her saying, ‘What’s wrong? What’s your deal? Just talk to me.’
While I was waiting at the bar for his drink one of the hosts ran up to me and said, ‘Hey I think your table is breaking up.’ I look up to the corner where they are sitting, and the wife was sobbing.
Now, what do I do? I had to bring him his drink even though admittedly they weren’t going to stay and eat now, right? Wrong! I brought him his drink; when I set it down in front of him, expecting him to tell me thanks but no thanks, we are leaving, he asked his wife, ‘Do you know what you want?’
Through her tears, she said, ‘Yes,’ and ordered. WHAT. I had to wait on these people now.
I then had one of the most awkward tables of my life. Having to keep up my peppy attitude and fake smiles while this poor woman’s life was crashing down. When it was all over, and I set the bill down in front of the husband, I figured he would at least be kind enough to pay the bill. Alas, he pushed it back to me and said, ‘Can you separate this, please?'”
Their Game Of “Pass The Bill” Didn’t Play Out Well That Day
“I used to wait tables at a restaurant’s golf course, and this group of businessmen would always come and drink after their round. They ranged in age from 30-50. There would always be an elaborate song-and-dance about who would pay for the drinks, but it tended to be the one guy who looked like the Alpha in this group, who had a better watch and better clubs than the others. This went on for months and then one day, one of the members, the Alpha’s son-in-law (who had never paid for a round), ended up being on the hook. He had insisted, ‘No, I should pay,’ but the others finally let him. He gulped, looked worried, and tried every card he had, but they were all refused.
He ran off to call his bank, and I heard the Alpha mutter, ‘I should have made my daughter get rid of that idiot’s baby while she still had the chance.'”
“Someone’s Got to Kill Her”
“I walked by this table of four women, all between 70 to 80 years old and overheard one say, ‘Someone’s got to kill her. If she survives, she’ll kill us all.’
Three days later I finally realized they were maybe talking about Hillary Clinton. I was far more entertained and slightly worried before I realized it was probably political vitriol and not four grandmothers discussing a hit on another old lady. Well, I guess they were, but I imagined it was just someone from their church group.”
She Killed His Dream
“One time, there was this 6-year-old boy who wouldn’t stop talking about baseball. He was so excited and happy talking about all the players and how he was going to make it one day.
Then his grandmother turned to him and said, ‘Honey, stop. You’re never going to be a baseball player or play with the pros, so just stop.’
The boy just stopped and went silent. He was quiet and looking at the table the rest of his meal.
The kid was not obese or anything like that. He’s a kid, let him dream, witch.”
Their Marriage Was Understandably Rocky
“I waited tables at the Olive Garden 10 years ago. A guy and his wife sat down at a table and immediately started arguing. Something about his affair and how a baby from it cost them money.
Finally, it culminated as I was bringing out their salad. As I walked away, I heard the wife say, ‘Well maybe if you hadn’t banged our son’s girlfriend and gotten her pregnant, we could afford to eat somewhere nicer than the freaking Olive Garden. Oh, look, the highlight of my meals. Unlimited bagged salad. Maybe you could save up, and we could go to Joe’s Crab Shack for our anniversary. Idiot.'”
He Had A Way With The Ladies
“I was serving a man in his mid-60s who kind of looked like Mr. Monopoly. There were two matriarchal looking ladies of the same age bracket sitting with him. They were friendly and asked me some questions about school, where I was from originally, etc. Later, I was passing by their table, and I heard the gentlemen say to one of the ladies, ‘Tell her what you are. You’re a nasty, little tease.’ She then informed the other lady she was indeed a nasty, little tease.”
His “Member” Impressed Them
“Three ladies in their 80s discussing the massive member of a similarly-aged friend of theirs. Hand gesture measuring was involved. The final comment was, ‘So I said to him, yes it’s very nice, but it would be nicer if you could do something with it!’
Their “Negotiation” Was Extremely Personal
“I worked at a high-end bistro during summers in college, and the rule was even if we were closing at 11:00 p.m. and someone came in at 10:59 p.m., we served them. So this older, attractive white man in his 60s came in with a small but built Asian guy in his 20s. They sat at across from each other at a two-top and just ordered drinks and dessert. This was pretty typical, so I brought out their food, and as they were my last table, I could leave after I had bussed their table and tipped out, so I started packing up the silverware and menus at the tables in my section and doing my other closing duties.
I was walking by their table and heard they were having a heated-yet-quiet argument as if they didn’t want to make a scene. I heard snippets of, ‘No, $600 and you spend the night,’ by the older male.
Then, ‘No, $800 for mouth play and one round of butt stuff, and I leave when I’m done,’ from the younger guy.
I was mentally like, ‘OK!’ and let them negotiate alone.”
The Bartender Probably Saved That Woman’s Life
“Two guys sitting at my bar top, looking shady as heck, decided they were going to scout for the ladies. Now, if you’ve worked in a continuously loud environment, you know that people will say anything when they think you can’t hear them. Man, that was stupid.
‘What about the blonde with the blue dress?’
‘Nah, I was thinking of that one.’ He pointed to a smaller, more fragile looking brunette sitting by herself.
They get quiet for a bit before the first guy asks, ‘Are you sure you wanna do this?’
The second guy, ‘That’s what she gets for dressing like a harlot. Let’s hope she parked in the back.’
I said, ‘Screw that’ and called the police. They were asked to leave, and one of the officers offered to follow the girl home.”
His “Manly Member” Started Popping Up At Work
“When I was a waiter, people often pretended that I wasn’t there. The stories they told were crazy and personal. One woman at a table of six lunching ladies told the story of how her husband was recently prescribed pills for his limp member. ‘He took it like a vitamin, one pill every morning. He kept getting it up at work and didn’t understand why.'”
“They Reminded Me A Lot Of Chef From South Park’s Parents”
“I had a summer job at Gilligan’s, which is a crappy seafood place around the Charleston area. I seat this black couple who were pretty funny. They reminded me a lot of Chef’s parents in South Park. I brought them their drinks and asked if they’re ready to order. I can’t remember what the husband ordered, but the wife didn’t like it. So he looked at her and said, ‘Woman, I’ll still eat that booty of yours when you eat chili, so don’t give me any crap for ordering what I want.’
She immediately replied, ‘Harvey, I just need you to shut the heck up!’ Then they both started laughing. Best table ever. And they tipped me like $20.”
The Wife Clearly Didn’t Follow The Rules
“This was over 10 years ago, and I had no idea what swinging and wife-swapping was. I was working breakfast early at a downtown hotel in a big city.
The husband was upset, and the wife was acting half-sheepish/half-annoyed, and they’d instantly get very quiet whenever anyone approached. Their conversation was heated, and the restaurant was pretty empty with high ceilings and marble walls (an old bank), so even slightly raised voices carried.
I was walking towards the table, and they didn’t see me coming.
Husband: ‘How could I not be upset?! You let him do you in the butt! Why did we even talk about rules if they don’t matter?’
Couples fighting at breakfast on Saturday or Sunday morning after a night of debauchery was always pretty common, but this was the only time I ever heard a fight about unsanctioned butt play with a third-party.”
“Sure Haven’t Said That In A While!”
“It was a family of like 8 or so and Grandpa is paying. He has the check and credit card in hand, and is trying to insert the card into the little plastic sleeve inside the check presenter. As I walk up, he says, ‘It’s too tight, I can’t get it in…’ He smiles and elbows his wife, ‘Sure haven’t said that in a while.’ She turned bright red, said his name in that ‘You’re in trouble,’ tone and gave him a much harder elbow.”
He Never Expected Someone So Sweet To Say Something So Cruel
“I was waiting on a table a couple of days ago for a group of older ladies. While I was walking back to the kitchen, I overheard one of them say, ‘You don’t know what it’s like to be married to such an unspeakably ugly man,’ and then said something about waiting for him to die so she’ll gain his money. It shook me up inside.”
They’re Clear About What They Like
“‘Female MMA is so flipping hot, those girls beat the crap out of each other!’
I thought it was pretty funny. This came from a group of 60-year-old men.”
Her Dirty Jokes Left Him Feeling Uncomfortable
“This was a middle-aged couple on what seemed like an early-ish date.
I handed them the machine to pay at the end. She took it. The machine gave her the option to tap her card or insert it.
She put on a voice, and looked at him, ‘Oh, wow. It’s asking me if I want to tap or insert. Should I…tap? Or…insert?’
He smiled, and I was just standing there. I couldn’t even pretend not to be paying attention, I was a foot away and was just talking to them.
‘I guess I’ll just tap. But I really would rather insert.’
She finally handed the machine back to me. It took about three weeks to print out the stupid receipt, and I left with a ‘Thanks-for-coming-in-have-a-great-night-yeah-thanks-bye!'”
Their Dark Family Past Was Laid Bare
“While bartending, I had two fathers who must have been meeting up for the first time after their sons started dating. After initially getting to know each other, they started to make guesses as to why their sons were gay. Dad 1 goes with the ‘born that way’ option and doesn’t seem bothered about the how or why. Dad 2 had a much different theory, explaining that grandpa ‘fondled the crap out of the boy’ and several other family members. Then he talked about how he narrowly avoided Grandpa Slippery Hand’s unwanted fondle party. After his upsetting tale concluded, he drained the rest of his drink, sighed and said, ‘It’s a tad sad, but he’s a bad dad, man.’ Don’t know why that sentence stuck with me other than the weird, naturally rhyming way he said it.”
That Blind Date Didn’t Start Off Well
“I was a waitress at IHOP, and one day I sat this elderly man who was waiting for his date to come in. So I sat him in a two-person booth. It must have been a blind date or online date because once I sat the woman down and I started walking away, I heard him say, ‘I’m sorry, you’re not what I was expecting,’ and he got up and left. The lady sat there, really upset until she left. I was 15 at the time and didn’t know what to say. I was just in shock that this old man with a cane didn’t like an equally old lady.”
It Was Clearly Something She’d Been Holding On To For A Long Time
“At a table in Denny’s at 2 a.m., a lady accused her brother of abusing her daughter while I was taking their order. She threw hot coffee in his face while I was asking what kinds of sides they wanted with their Slams. He promptly picked up a steak knife and lunged across the table. I don’t remember how big he was, but he was bigger than me. I grabbed him by the neck, and he quickly stood up with me riding his back like father and son. I guess I put enough pressure on his neck that he finally went to ground. Everything calmed down after that. All this happened in front of my girlfriend, who wanted to hang out with me on the Fourth of July. Made for an exciting evening.”