The Fried Chicken That Ruined Him
“I had an interview for a job I thought was cool and it was really close, I’m talking walking distance from my house. I had a bad day the day prior so I decided to drink A LOT. I got the drunkest I’ve ever been and decided to go for a walk and get some fried chicken. I sat down at a random company’s outside lunch area (I live near an industrial kind of place, lot of companies and no houses) and just talked to myself and ate the chicken until a security guard kicked me out. Fast forward tomorrow, to my horror, my GPS takes me to the same exact place and the security guard on duty is the same guy. I didn’t get a call back from them.”
“I have a bunch of stories from when I used to drink a lot. However, there is one that has always stuck with me, because I’m still messed up from it.
I was at a house party, drinking way too much in the basement when I overheard someone saying that nobody could kick the roof of the basement (it was like 12 ft high). Now when I’m drunk, I kind of get like Barney from How I Met Your Mother, in the sense that everything is a challenge, and I must accept and complete it. So, I said I could do it no problem…and I did. I kicked that roof. But I never thought about how I was going to land, so I just dropped right on my hip, on the concrete floor. People started laughing. I got up, not feeling anything wrong when I heard some people in another room talking about it, saying it wasn’t possible. So I brought them to where I was and did the exact same thing.
I blacked out at this point. I woke up the next morning and looked at my hip. It was black from about mid-thigh all the way up to the bottom of my rib cage. Turns out that I did it 3 more times after blacking out because people didn’t get to see it, and drunk me wanted to make sure everyone at that party knew that I could jump and kick the roof.
My hip is now a disaster from this. It will dislocate itself at least twice a day, and I now have a permanent limp.”
One Last Crazy Night In College
“My house had a party the day before graduation so we were in the yard playing drinking games and general carrying on. Eventually, we decide to go to a campus party and that’s the last thing I remember.
Everything else I know about what happened from here on is from friends. I’m pretty sure this was near the time I decided to switch to boxed sangria. At this party, I was running around the edge of the courtyard jumping on the backs of any of my friends I ran into. Apparently, running around like one of those inflatable arm tube guys you see at car dealerships. Not quite able to stand up on my own, but never really falling over.
At some point, I walked up to a girl I recognized, and face planted in front of her. She helped me up, and one of my friends appeared long enough to grab me and then I was back to circulating the party on my own. When I got bored I somehow made it back to the house, I can’t find anyone who says they put me to bed.
The first thing I remember is my housemate coming into my room telling me the graduation ceremony was about to start in fifteen minutes. I had three missed calls and multiple messages from mom. That was enough to get me out of bed. I could smell poop and vomit. I looked around and it was everywhere. Actual poop. Floors, walls, doors, and it smelled horrible.
My face hurt. I looked in the mirror and my face was covered in cuts and bruises. Still half drunk, I put on the first pair of shorts and a T-shirt I could find underneath my robe and headed out the door.
We processed into the stadium. I had chosen my mom to be my sponsor, so she was sitting directly behind me. She said I was awake through the pledge of allegiance, then I reached over and grabbed the shoulder of the guy next to me and went to sleep on him until they started calling individual names.
I made it through the ceremony, skipped the pictures with friends and the cookout afterward. I went back to the house and slept for a solid 8 hours or so.
It was the worst hangover I’ve ever had.”
“Lessons Were Learned That Day”
“I got severely intoxicated one night. A little over a year ago to be exact. One of my exes kept feeding me fireball shots. For some reason, at the end of the night, I wanted to go to the local strip joint. So I decided to drive. My friends did the right thing and tried to stop me, but I didn’t listen.
This club is out in the middle of nowhere.
I was about 4 miles away from the club when I came across a sign that said bridge closed… I must have missed the detour. Anyways I decided that they couldn’t have torn the bridge down already so I crept on into the work zone. It just so happened that the bridge was gone. So I decided to try and turn my car around to go home. But I got stuck. So stupid drunk me decides to get out of my car, throw my keys and wallet in the woods and I made a break for the woods. Like sprinting down the hill, running for my drunk life. There was also a river down the hill, but I didn’t know that. As you can expect I fell face first into the river. I managed to get across and climb up the other side where I found a bush to sleep in. Also before falling asleep I took off my shoes and threw them somewhere out in the woods. I would regret this decision in the morning.
Thankfully it was summer or I would’ve probably died.
I woke up at around 6:00 or 7:00 am the next morning. I couldn’t tell because I didn’t have my phone on me. I left it at the bar. I got up and started making my way through the woods trying my best not to be seen by anyone who managed to drive through that detour road I mentioned earlier. I made my way across to a different field when I decided to go back to sleep.
I woke up again at around noon and I noticed people working at that bridge. I knew I didn’t want to go that way because they’d probably call the cops to tell them that they found me, and yes I was probably still drunk so I was doing my best to avoid a ticket. I sneakily made my way back across the other side of the bridge and to some railroad tracks. This took me about two hours to accomplish. I walked through pricker bushes and waded through that darn river. I was cut up, severely dehydrated, and sunburned like crazy. Eventually, someone that knew my family spotted me walking on the railroad tracks. They called the actual search party that was out looking for me and took me home.
Lessons were learned that day.
Also, my car was towed and I got fined for not obeying traffic control devices.”
A Wild Night Out With Coworkers
“So I go to a Christian university where you are required to abstain from consuming alcohol (you need to sign an agreement and everything). I recently graduated so I don’t really need to follow this rule, but I am still living on campus so there is a bit of a grey area I guess.
Moving on with the story, I went out for a work-related outing where your first 8 beers were free. So doing what anyone would do, I took full advantage of this opportunity. Eight beers later, we decided it was a good idea to hop to another bar a few blocks away. Being the new guy at work, I had to prove that I could knock back as much as anyone else in the company so I grabbed 3 jack and cokes at this new bar.
I wasn’t feeling so good so I decided to go lay on a couch that was in the corner. Next thing I knew, everyone was gone, I was smashed, and I didn’t really know where I was. So I did the best thing I could’ve done in that situation. I walked to Target.
I was sitting in the entrance trying to text my friends for help when a guy comes up to me holding a Target gift card in my face. He was offering me a $50 gift card for $20 cash and drunk me thought this opportunity was too good to pass up.
So armed with my gift card, I try and purchase some chips and water to start sobering up. Long story short, the card doesn’t work and I get escorted out as I was pretty visibly intoxicated.
After I was kicked out, I did the next best thing I could think of. I just started ‘walking home.’ I was walking around a city for a little bit and soon enough, I was lost. I messaged my friends again for help and one suggested Uber. Drunk me couldn’t figure out how to get an Uber.
Eventually, I made it back. I honestly have no idea how I made it back, but somehow I did. I made my way to the community restroom in the dorm hall, took off my pants so I was naked from the waist down and started vomiting. In the process, I guess I really had to crap. In the process of puking, I crapped all over myself and the floor. I passed out in my own filth.
Eventually, I was awoken by a small voice saying to wake up and get out. So, I get up and walk out to find one of my friends working security who found me. So, covered in poop, I did my walk of shame to the security office, filled out some forms and walked back to my apartment.
The following weeks were some of the scariest in my life. I had no money and had the looming threat of being kicked out of my apartment. Nothing happened of it though. I guess the worst thing that happened was losing $20 to a gift card that didn’t work.
Also if you are reading this and had to clean up that bathroom, I am so sorry. Please forgive me.
Drunk me doesn’t make good decisions.”
Most Of The Game Was Spent Dry Heaving In The Bathroom
“I was on a trip to Kansas City with one group of friends and had been drinking all day when I ran into a guy and his wife that I also am friends with. They were going to go to the downtown part district where their hotel was and my other group of friends was just wanting to go back to the hotel in another part of the city. I decided to continue drinking and everyone agreed that we would meet up at the baseball game the next day so I could ride back home with the people I came down with.
The problem was I kept drinking and ended up walking off by myself and lost track of where the husband and wife were. I stumbled around the streets looking for their hotel and thought I had found it (a Marriott), but it was actually at an Embassy Suites. I was hanging out in the lobby when I was finally told that I needed to get a room or leave. I got a room and woke up around 11:30 the next morning to a horrible hangover and a huge bill.
Keep in mind that this was before cell phones, so I couldn’t just call or text everyone. I tried calling both hotels where I knew my friends were staying, but they had already checked out because of the time. I had to call a cab to take me to the baseball stadium while trying not to dry heave the entire time.
Some guy outside the stadium took pity on me and gave me a ticket to the game, but I had no idea where any of my friends were sitting. I was just trying to figure out how to make contact with someone when I heard my name from behind me. Turns out the original group of friends I came down with had bought tickets that day that ended up being a few rows behind the free one I was given.
Disaster was avoided, but I think I saw about 2 of the 15 runs that were scored in the game because I spent most of it dry heaving in the bathroom.”
Shouldn’t Do That While In The Military
“I liked to stay at hostels when I traveled in the Army. I went to Venice and they had a pub crawl.
We had shot glasses tied around our necks and had to take a shot of crappy vodka everytime we went over a bridge. For the record, there are over 200 bridges in Venice.
After about bar three and bridge seven, I decided to take not only my shots, but also of the nice gal standing next to me.
I woke up in an alleyway with some vomit on me, no shirt, no wallet, and no camera. I still had my hostel keys and my passport was in my room. I flew back to Germany, but because I had no wallet I had to schmooze my way into getting a train ticket home. I then had to walk four miles from the station to the base. My military ID was in my wallet so getting on base was ‘fun.’
All in all? It was a great time, but drunk me got me in so much trouble.”
“I Have To Walk With A Cane Now”
“One time I was drunk with some friends downtown and we cut through a parking garage. We walked to the other side and were about four to six to seven feet at most from the sidewalk below, so we hopped off.
Well, apparently that was a terrible idea for me alone as I shattered both of my heels. Drunk me couldn’t comprehend what happened or just how much pain I was in. One of my friends ran to the hotel where we were staying, which was across the street, and they had a wheelchair. They carted me up to the room and I passed out on a mattress they dragged to the floor for me.
I woke up the next morning and I couldn’t get my shoes off easily and there was a decent amount of pain. I told my friends I would meet up with them later for the tailgating as I just wanted to sleep longer. I still didn’t think much of the pain or swelling. When I woke, I wrestled my shoes off and crawled in the bathroom. I used the counter to prop myself up to try and take a shower. The pain and water on the floor made me slip and hit them again. I promptly threw up a lot in the toilet. I crawled to the bed, called my friends and checked if they could pick me up. They were already drunk. So I called an ambulance and got carted to a hospital.
That’s when I learned I completely shattered both heels. I had two separate operations, was hospitalized for over a week, and couldn’t walk or put any weight on them for over 6 months. They are healed, but I have a cane I have to use and still have an extreme amount of pain all the time. This was in my mid-twenties. I also manage a very busy restaurant and am on my feet constantly.
The good news is that afterward I started dating my now fiancée and we have a four-month-old. So in a way, drunk me messing my body up is the best thing to happen in my life.”
Some Really Good Tacos
“Got drunk, went to a taco shop, loudly exclaimed ‘man these tacos are awesome!’ and then wrote a $400 tip on the tip line of my receipt. I honestly don’t remember if I meant to actually tip $400 since the tacos were so good, or $4.00 and forgot the decimal, but I was able to get the charge reversed luckily since I was a poor college kid who didn’t even have $400 in my account. Complete panic attack when I woke up to overdraft alerts on my phone though.”
A Horrible Solution To A Simple Problem
“I had just passed out and I must have gotten up to go pee, but the only thing I remember is being in the attic squatting and when I stood up my foot fell through the ceiling.
The next morning I woke up with scratches and bruises all down my leg and a huge hole in the ceiling with a pee stain around it. I honestly don’t remember how I got up there.
What’s crazy about it is, you had to walk through our closet on the other side of the room and climb a flight of stairs to get to the attic. The bathroom was 4 feet away from where I was sleeping.”
“We’re Still Dating Over A Year Later, But I’m Not Sure How”
“When I first started dating my boyfriend, there was one night I went from zero to absolutely obliterated in like 2.5 seconds. When that switch happened, I went into the bathroom without telling him what I was doing, drew a bath, climbed in and immediately started throwing up all over myself and in the bath water. He came in eventually when it was clear there was something wrong with me and had to try to convince me to throw up in the toilet instead of in the bath. At some point during this, my roommate came home, and he scared her half to death rushing out to unlock the deadbolt for her, drenched in water and vomit.
Eventually, through some kind of combined effort, I got cleaned up and into bed, and kept crying and saying how sweet it was that they were both there and asking where the dog was and if they would bring him to me. The dog was sitting on the pillow above my head the whole time.
He’s still dating me over a year later, but I’m not sure how.”
Reckless And Terrible
“Drunk Me once hid a bowl of Clam Chowder in the back of the closet in my room. I know it was Drunk Me because I left a note that said, ‘Eff you. From, Drunk You.’
Drunk Me used to be like the kind of drunk guy that John Mulaney described himself: reckless and terrible. I know you just read that in his voice because I typed it in his voice. Drunk Me has done all of the following and much more I don’t remember nor do I want to know I’m responsible for.
-I embroidered the word ‘butt’ on both ends of all the towels in the entire apartment. Even ones that didn’t belong to me.
-I barfed in a plastic tub and sealed it with tape and hid it in the closet.
-I peed into all the shampoo bottles at a party.
-I peed on someone else’s car and got into a one-sided pee-fight with the owner of the car.
-I peed on the bar at the same bar twice in a week. I didn’t get caught by the staff, but was walked out by friends.
-I tackled a stranger, shouted, ‘I have a running disorder. Take my shirt, it’ll hold me back,’ handed the stranger my shirt and ran off into the blizzard.
-I stole a tree.
-I dumpster dived for donuts, bought a gallon of milk then ate all of them while drinking half of the milk with my friend Tiberius who passed out, threw up half a gallon of milk and 6 donuts then tipped over into ‘Donut Go There Lake’ on my bed as he fell asleep.
-I crapped behind a toilet.
-I peed into a hole in the wall a drunk guy kicked opened at a bar and told the entire line of people behind me to pee in the wall which resulted in the bar downstairs leaking.
-I made a hot dog cannon. It’s like a potato cannon but messier.
-I crapped in a bathtub at a party.
-I grabbed a friend and tied them up inside a sheet while we threatened to taser them, but we were really only playing taser sounds on a phone.
-I put a dog shock collar on and took turns running over the buried wire with friends.
-I threw a box of fireworks into a fire with a bunch of people sitting around the fire. I was the only one who didn’t escape. I cracked my knee on a stump and collapsed as the rockets started going off.
Jesus Christ my 20’s were rough.”
Revenge Is Sweet, But The Consequences Are Not
“I previously had a falling out with a woman I didn’t know especially well. I caught her stealing money from my house, and later realized she had actually urinated in my son’s bed before she’d left the final time.
Fast forward a few weeks, I was getting heavily intoxicated at home and had an old friend over drinking with me. We started griping about the aforementioned woman, and what she had done. I was still feeling outraged, my friend was understanding. I told her that I’d love to just punch her freaking head in. My friend was very encouraging of this idea in our inebriated state. So, we decided to go to the woman’s house.
When we got there I ran up to the house, the woman saw me and tried to run inside to safety, but I was too close so she didn’t manage to lock me out before I was at the door. I got inside, and she had a guest. I pinned the woman I came for on the floor and I started punching her in the head. I also started throwing wild punches at her guest, who tried to intervene. I end up biting the intended victim on the wrist before I got tired and left.
Once home, we continued drinking heavily. We were cheering and whooping. We went outside for a smoke and the neighbor’s boyfriend comes outside with a taser in one hand, large carving knife in the other, and a leashed pit bull. He started threatening us, saying if we didn’t shut up he’d set his dog on us. I tried to keep the peace with the neighbors and convinced my friend we should head inside.
We quieted down. Then, a few minutes later, we got a knock on the garage door. Someone asked for my friend’s boyfriend. We opened the door, and there was a woman and two men standing there. I recognized them as frequent visitors of the neighbor with the taser boyfriend.
A fight broke out. I traded blows with a man, who ended up choking me unconscious in the driveway. I woke up and went absolutely crazy! The group that just fought with us was hightailing out of there and the neighbor was screaming that she was calling the cops on me. I decided ‘eff this woman’ and spent the next few minutes smashing in her front door, successfully, I might add. I tried to smash her windows with a kid’s scooter that was lying on the ground outside her house, but kudos to whoever designed them windows, because for the life of me I could not break them.
This enraged me even more, so I shouted to my friend to see if the keys are in their car. We stole the car. We drove back to the woman’s house I’d home invaded earlier, where the car died. I guess it was an immobilizer.
Frustrated, I snapped the key off in the ignition and headed back to the woman’s house. She wouldn’t answer (golly gee, I wonder why), so I proceed to smash her windows. Her neighbor came out shouting at us, so I hit her with the handlebars of the scooter from earlier. She went down screaming and called for her dad. He showed up and hit my friend in the face with a hammer. We literally just shrugged and walked off.
We got arrested just around the corner.”
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