Getting the family together for the holidays leads to nothing short of chaos!
All content has been edited for clarity.
‘That Story Is Told At Every Family Dinner Ever.’
“When I was about seven or eight years old, we went out to the family farm for Thanksgiving. It was a dairy farm but there were chickens on the loose too.
My dad told me it would be okay for me to chase the chickens because there was no way I could catch one. I was so intent on proving him wrong that I paid no attention when the chicken crossed a large area of muck.
I was running at top speed sunk up to my waist before I couldn’t move anymore and started sinking up to my neck. What I later found out was that they would hose down the cowshed occasionally and all the runoff would pool into a large pond of diarrhea. I was screaming for my life, still sinking, and my dad was laughing hysterically on the shore.
Eventually, my aunt put on the hip waders and dragged me out before I drowned in cow diarrhea, and hosed me off by the barn.
I’m twenty-eight years old now and that story is still told at every family dinner ever.”
Surprise Stuffing
“My parents were having Thanksgiving dinner with my Aunt and Uncle and a few others. They decided for fun they were going to put a bunch of gas into the stuffing.
My Grandparents unexpectedly showed up! Surprise! They didn’t want to tell my Grandparents but they couldn’t serve dinner without the stuffing, so they went for it thinking they wouldn’t have too much anyway.
My Grandmother loved it. She kept asking for more and eventually it kicked in and she started feeling dizzy. So she laid down and one of the guests (not my family member) dug around in her purse and found some medicine and gave her one to chill her out. She slept for a long time.
She ended up fine of course, but they never told them what happened.”
Home Video
“Thanksgiving three years ago. My uncle decided to throw on some home video of the kids. It started off normal kids playing with blocks here crying there, but then it cuts to the shower.
At this point, everyone’s heads had turned to his wife.
At that exact moment, she stepped out of the shower facing the camera.
All of the viewers have no clue what to do.
I just laughed my rear end off but my aunt was pretty ticked.”
Meet The Parents
“I was visiting my in-laws for the first time a couple of years ago. I had just married their daughter after a whirlwind courtship, and we were staying at their house for Christmas. Her parents hardly knew me, and I don’t think they even liked me much at that point.
Her mother popped into the room early one morning while my wife and I were lying on the bed, chatting or whatever it is we were doing. My wife was, sensibly, lying under the covers. Me? I was lying on top of the covers.
I’ll never forget the look on her mother’s face. She casually asked what we wanted for breakfast, with this grim look of determination on her face to not break eye contact with me. We stayed on a week after that, and her mother suddenly seemed to like me a lot more so, awkward as it was, I guess it was for the best.
She also remembered to knock before entering after that.”
One And Done
“So, I’m standing in the kitchen with my Dad, my Uncle, and my Uncle’s friend, and we’re all smoking.
My Mom came by, and my uncle turned to her and said, ‘You have to try some of this!’
‘No way,’ my Mom said, ‘I tried it once and I couldn’t even get off the couch.’
This is a story I’ve heard many times. In fact, I hear it almost every family holiday when my Uncle tries to get my Mom to smoke.
‘Ah, come on.’
‘Nope. Uh, Uh,’ she said, ‘I was so out of it someone else had to put my babies to bed.’
Someone else putting your babies to bed is a very bad thing in my Mom’s book.
Mom made her exit and sort of scurried out of the kitchen.
My uncle tried some good old-fashioned peer pressure. He announced, ‘Oh, she’s one of those people who tries something once and never tries it again.’
‘Yeah,’ my Dad pipes up, ‘She’s the same way with butt stuff.’
Uh, you know when you’ve been throwing up, and your body wants to throw up more but there’s nothing left, and you heave anyway? Your whole body tenses up, and for a second, time just stops. That’s what it was like, but in my brain.
‘Noooooooooo!’
My hands clamped to my ears.
‘Not in front of the kids!’
I couldn’t see. Everything was blurry. I knew I was screaming, and I knew I was screaming loud. People in the living room wanted to know what happened. ‘Nothing! Nothing happened! Argh!’
I managed to stumble in very loud shrieking circles, my hands fastened to my ears, and find my way out of the kitchen. I hid in the garage for about five minutes.
My Uncle laughed so hard he hurt his back.”
‘Shut Up Bernie And Eat The Soup’
“So one Thanksgiving, my whole family from all over the country converged on my aunt’s house in San Diego.
My aunt wanted to do all of the cooking herself but my grandma, being the stubborn crab that she was, ended up doing most of the cooking. So we all sit down for dinner and start to make our plates. There is a lot going on at once and everything was a little frantic.
My grandma served my grandpa some soup first since it was his favorite. As everyone is just finishing setting up their plates my grandpa complains that the soup tastes funny.
My grandma screams at him, ‘SHUT UP BERNIE, AND EAT THE SOUP.’
This was a very usual tone of voice for her so nobody thought anything of it. My grandpa then stopped talking and ate all his soup.
In the middle of the meal my aunt goes to the kitchen and comes back with a bowl containing all the soup my grandma made.
She said, ‘Guys, we forgot to bring out the soup.’
My grandpa said, ‘What are you talking about? I just had some soup before. It’s right here.’
He grabs the bowl of what he thought was soup and my four-year-old cousin said, ‘Grampa, that’s the gravy.’
I’ll never forget the face of my grandpa staring down at his empty bowl of gravy in complete shock. Then the laughter commenced.
He died of a heart attack the next day. My grandma fed my grandpa gravy until he died.”
