When a couple wants to add on to their family, they start thinking about the many ways they can have children. One of those ways is through adoption. When someone offers to take an unknown child into their house, it's a big commitment. They've agreed to love and care for that child through thick and thin. At first, this child might seem like the perfect fit for a family. Although, looks can be deceiving.
People on Reddit share the reasons why they regret adoption their child. Content has been edited for clarity,
More Than She Bargained For
“One of my neighbors lost her only child in a car accident when the child was 17. She adopted a 6 year old girl, Greta, from a foreign country a few years later when neighbor was 50.
Greta had some emotional & behavioral problems which later turned into psychological problems. My neighbor tried various therapists, doctors, narcotics, everything she could think of. Greta ended up running away the first time at 14. And again a few months later. Her main excuse was she was trying to get back to the family that neighbor ‘stole’ her from. Greta really loved using that as a reason to torture neighbor.
Greta disappeared at 16 for over a year and then neighbor is getting a phone call from a hospital 5 states away. Greta had given birth and seven hours later walked out without the baby, but did leave neighbor’s name & contact info.
So neighbor is 67 and raising an infant. Greta comes back a year later and basically blackmails neighbor (give her money or she’ll steal the baby like neighbor stole Greta). Greta then disappears for a couple of years only to leave another baby in another hospital. Both babies were born addicted to narcotics as a special added touch. So neighbor is now in her 80s, and is raising two kids who have behavioral & emotional issues.”
“She’d Be In Tears Every Night”
“My 11 year old nephew had to live with us because he was being disruptive to his own family. So to keep him out of the system, we briefly adopted him. He was with us for three months and we reached breaking point by the second.
He is a pathological liar and extremely manipulative. He would tell my grandmother we don’t give him lunch for school so she’d give him money. My dad woke up at 5am every morning to prepare his lunch. He’d get angry at girls at school if they refused to be his girlfriend. He refused to do what my sister and I asked because we ‘are women and he is the man of the house. We can’t tell him what to do.’
He would threaten to hurt my cat. He disobeyed my trust and watched adult videos on my laptop (with my grandmother in the room). We bought him a bike for Christmas and took it off him for a day when he stayed out past his bedtime. The day before he was going to get it back, he called the police and told them that somebody had committed suicide in a high traffic area locally known as the suicide hotspot. This caused them to block off the road and send a helicopter out. The police traced the call to our house and he lied to the them about it. My mum sent him back inside but my sister and I caught him trying to sneak the phone from his room. He confessed and the police thankfully left him off with a warning, we didn’t get the $10,000 fine thankfully.
My mother was planning on moving three hours away with him to save us the stress it put on us to live with him. She’d be in tears every night and we were all just breaking apart.
Three days later he went to live with his mother. More stuff has happened and now the Department of Human Services is looking for a home to put him in.
He’s been gone for a month now, but has left disruptive trails all over. A phone bill $50 over the normal price, writing on the walls, the heavy feeling in my chest that he may come back. Sadly we’re just mentally and physically unable to give him what he needs. He wants to come back to live with us but everybody who has looked after him has agreed a home might be the best place.”
“They Went Into This With Pure Intentions”
“I had a professor in college, and she and her husband were having trouble getting pregnant. So, they decided to look into adopting some older kids. They were the ‘perfect’ couple. Both had good paying, stable jobs, no other kids, and were willing to take on older kids.
They were matched with a set of brothers who had been in the system for awhile. They had recently been taken out of a long term foster home when of the boys accused the dad of punishing him by putting hot sauce on his lips. It ended up being a lie, but the damage was done. My professor didn’t know that at the time, as the state had only told them they had been taken out because of abuse.
So they adopt the boys who immediately start having major behavior problems. Through therapy, they discovered the boys both bad reverse attachment disorder worsened by being taken out of their previous home. Both of the boys (middle school age) were acting out so badly they were frequently suspended and nearing expulsion. Around that time my professor got pregnant and soon had a baby boy. Then the brothers started trying to abuse the baby so they could never be alone, not even for 5 minutes. So the parents were constantly monitoring them and they had to sleep under lock and key, it was so bad. My professor and her husband decided to look into moving back to where her parents live in another state, but turned out they had been lied to again and the boys were not allowed to move to another state under their adoption agreement. So my professor and her husband were stuck with these 2 boys who hated their adoptive family under extremely difficult and stressful circumstances.
Around this time I graduated and lost contact but I ran into her a couple of years later. Turned out she and her husband had divorced and she had moved to the other state with her son and he had stayed and had the 2 boys. One was eventually court ordered into a behavioral disability home (so not jail or prison but like a living facility with regular care and education specifically for those with behavioral disabilities).
I was also so saddened by this story bc they went into this with pure intentions looking to provide a loving home to children who need one only to have all of that destroyed by lies and. Freaking sucks.”
“Sad Situation All Around”
“A woman I worked with had been fostering a 13 year old girl for over 2 years, and had started the adoption process. This girl had a history of trouble with her previous fosters, but had been doing very well with my coworker for the whole time they were fostering her. She was seeing a therapist regularly and everything was shaping up to be a clean adoption process. Then she started acting out suddenly. Hiding things, blaming my coworker and her husband for separating her from her brother, saying she deserved to live with her real mom. She started getting in trouble at school, being disrespectful to her teachers and that sort of thing. They had several emergency sessions with her therapist but the girl shut everyone out.
The final straw was when she accused my coworker’s husband of assaulting her. There was an investigation and she admitted to lying, but obviously they didn’t want to risk having someone who would lie like that in the house. It could have ruined her husband’s life. The adoption fell through and she went back into the foster care system.
Her therapist said that it’s fairly common for children who come from unstable homes to freak out at the prospect of stability once they have it, and begin acting out. Sad situation all around really.”
“You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me”
“I had a friend who has fostered and attempted to adopt a number of kids, each story gets more messed up. One died a few months after they left foster care from spinal meningitis. One little girl who’s mom died and was living with her grandparents was fostered for a while and then they starting looking at adoption. Turns out the grandparents didn’t so much want to give their grandchild up for adoption as much as they wanted to foster parents to raise (pay for) the grand child. They insisted on visiting whenever they wanted, they wanted her to stay with them on holidays and birthdays and random weekends.
The kid was very damaged, so they started going to a therapist. As all this was going on, they had their own child and the foster child acted up all the time around the baby. She would throw tantrums and scream uncontrollably in public. It was later discovered the grandparents used to lock her in her room. When the caseworker discovered this, the child was interviewed by a psychologist and they discovered the child had been abused and had major trauma and manifesting issues. They wanted my friend to commit to 5 day a week therapy sessions, and the grandparents were being investigated for their role in the abuse.
By this time my friend’s wife was afraid of the kid, and then the girl was caught inappropriately touching the baby. Long story short they were able to disentangle themselves from the situation, just super sad all around.
Lastly, they fostered a 13 year old girl who would always strip down and leave doors open and walk around unclothed after being told repeatedly to close doors when she showered and cover up. She got upset at my friend and accused him of abusing her. After an investigation, he was totally cleared of any wrongdoing. It was discovered that her step dad was abusing her for years.
The case worker asked him when they could bring her back to his home and he said, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’
That cured him from wanting to foster any more kids, almost ruined his life and career.”
Can’t Get Lukcy Twice
“An old friend and her husband adopted a child from Korea. The orphanage told them she was healthy and her mom was just too poor to take care of her. They had already adopted a kid from Korea and that girl is a good kid, bright and fun. So they didn’t worry too much.
Turns out they lied to them. That girl had a lot of physical and mental problems. She had severe mental delays and needed 24 hours care. She threw huge tantrums and hits everyone around. Doctors think her biological Mother was probably on substances when she had her.
She caused them so much stress that it broke their marriage. They couldn’t agree about what to do with her. None of them wants full custody and their older daughter doesn’t want to live with her; she’s tired of getting hit for no reason. Last time I heard from her they were looking for permanent placement in a private in patient care facility.”
Not The Party They Expected
“We adopted a 3 year old. He had a few behavior issues, which we attributed to trauma and sought appropriate help. He did well for several years, but when he turned 9, he began displaying dangerous behaviors. Hurting animals, hoarding things in his room, making suicidal and inappropriate comments. We ramped up the doctor visits and therapy, but he was still admitted to the hospital 3 times before he turned 10.
When he was 10, we woke up to our house burning down. He thought it was a party. Spent a few years in a facility, till insurance got sick of paying. They told us we could pay $40,000 a month to keep him there or bring him home. We have other younger children and his therapist agreed it wasn’t safe. So we refused to pick him up, and now we have a child abuse (for abandonment) record.”
The Long Con
“My great uncle and great aunt adopted a girl.
She was spoiled rotten and raised in utmost privilege in a mansion with servants, back when such things were possible. She goes to university and is on her final year, so she hosts a graduation party at their house. It cost thousands, with everything being the finest quality.
She wasn’t even close to graduating. She had barely passed half of her classes in her first year, but she then lied to her parents about it for TWO years, pretending to go to an expensive university while using their money for other things. They found out during the party and felt publicly humiliated, as it was expected.
She wasn’t disowned or anything, but they almost cut off contact with her.”
They Were At Their Breaking Point
“My parents’ best friends adopted a son from Russia as a 2 year old. He’s violent, has learning issues, the shortest temper, the works. His poor (adoptive) parents tried everything. They are great parents and had already raised 3, (two of their own and 1 foster kid). This boy gave them every issue. He was violent and disrespectful towards them, towards teachers, toward fellow students, he couldn’t be controlled. They cried over him a lot. Legally disowned him at 17 after he stabbed their other kid with a kitchen knife.”
Warning Signs Were Everything
“My neighbors, when I was about 10 years old, adopted a girl that was my age. They already had 3 other adopted children and 1 that was actually their own. This poor girl was 10 years old and they changed her name from something that she went by her whole life. She had a whole slew of issues, but what topped it off was when she started developing a crush on one of her adopted brothers.
The mother and the son caught the adopted daughter watching him sleep multiple times. And there was a few times where she would hold him down and tickle him inappropriately. He was only 8 years old. I think the cherry on the cake was when the mom found a journal the girl had been keeping, saying how much she was in love with that little boy and things she wanted to do to him. They sent her back to her foster home after only a few months of her living with them.”
They Definitely Regretted It Later
“My family has a few unfortunate adoption stories to be told here.
Both my mom and my aunt were adopted. Both had pretty healthy childhoods and my grandparents were very supportive and good parents. As the sisters grew up into adults, my aunt had very apparent mental health issues that started to show, but again, nothing to make my family regret bringing her in. Fast forward many years later, my aunt and mother now in their 50s, my grandmother passed, and my grandfather in his 80s with declining health and mental stability. My aunt takes full advantage of this situation, and my grandfather, in every way possible – financially, legally, socially, etc. She took his money, his house, and alienated every other member of the family from his life. He had five siblings, numerous nieces and nephews, many friends – yet no one was allowed to visit him. In a moment of clarity a few months before his passing, he expressed great disappointment in her behaviour to me and while he didn’t outright say he regrets adopting her, he made it known that he believed that our family would have been more peaceful without her presence.
Second adoption story, my aunt was ‘told by God’ that she needed to adopt an orphan from Africa after she sat next to a black child in church one day. She paid thousands of dollars to an adoption agency but eventually decided she wanted a white baby instead.
Which leads me to my third, most horrible adoption story. My aunt DID end up adopting a local baby… and tried to return her a day later because her cried too much. The agency tried to reason with her, she kept the baby a few more days, refusing to use/choose a name and just called her Baby. She already had a 7 year old son who was ecstatic he had a baby sister and he put her to bed every night. But she was persistent and he agency took back Baby after a week.”
His Mother Took Them In At Exactly The Wrong Time And Place
“I have two adopted Haitian brothers, they are biological brothers and they joined our family at 13 and 11 years old. That was 12 years ago. The younger one is currently in jail for robbery. He had just recently been released after serving time for a knife attack. The older one is not currently in jail but has been in and out for several years now.
It’s not that my mom regrets adopting them, she loves those boys as much as she does her bio kids, but she does wish things had been different.
She adopted them as a single mother (my father had long passed away) and at the age of 65. Both boys were severely malnourished and delayed, both had severe issues stemming from the trauma they endured as 3rd world orphans, and the town my mom was living in at the time was not equipped to handle them. They we immediately labelled as bad kids and there were no supports available. My mom gave it everything she got but despite her efforts she was unable to set them on a better path in life.
I think disappointment is a more fitting term. She does not regret the adoption but she is definitely disappointed with how it turned out.”
“My Childhood Was Taken From Me”
“I’m the older brother to adopted special-needs twins. They were born with an addiction to illegal substances and 3 months premature.
In the 6 months they lived with their mother before being removed, they were physically abused severely. They came to us at 9 months old and in body casts. I was 10.
They didn’t talk until they were three. Diapers until age 5. Severe learning disabilities and emotional problems.
They scream-cried all day every day until they were 8. This had now been the entirety of my adolescence. When they cried they would drop to their knees and bang their heads on the ground HARD. This was an all day thing.
They were violent and hateful toward each other.
They are now in their 30’s and have over a dozen children between them that they don’t care for.
I’m not going to tell you about the difficulty of having broken siblings or how it affected my development.
I am now 40 and I haven’t spoken to any of my siblings in nearly a decade. Crying in any form is a serious trigger for me. I hate children. I got a vasectomy when I was 23. I’m finally in a happy marriage but I can’t handle conflict at all. I’m cold and emotionless. I feel like my childhood was taken from me. I will never accept by adopted brothers as family.”
“I’m Worried What Will Happen Then”
“I know a family who adopted a kid when he was very young. I don’t know his exact age but below 4 or 5, maybe much younger. I don’t know what the adoptive parents knew before adopting, but the kid had been severely abused by his biological parents. They were trying to make him a human sacrifice by drowning him in some witchcraft whatever. So for the rest of ever, he was deathly afraid of water which made bathing very difficult.
Once adopted, he turned out to be a little psycho. He killed one of the family pets and tried to push his sister (one of two biological children by the adopted parents) out of a window to kill her. There probably was a much longer list that I’m not intimately aware of. His adopted father died and his adopted mother had to deal with all this. Eventually she had to have him committed. He was not more than 6 or 7 at this point. As far as I know he’ll be a ward of the state until he is at least 18. I’m actually a little worried what will happen then. I don’t know if this kid can be fixed and therefore I hope they keep him locked up.
I’m dead serious when I say this. When I finally got around to seeing Rob Zombie’s 2007 remake of Halloween, it reminded me exactly of this kid. The way Michael kills the animal and the people in the beginning of the movie and the way they have that kid acting, it is exactly what I fear the kid I know will become. Yes, I realize that’s just a movie but that whole first part of that movie becomes so real when you know a kid that is just like that.
I truly hope I don’t hear that they have one day released him and he’s killed somebody. I believe that if they do let him out it’s just a matter of time. He’s maybe early to mid teens now. Hopefully the system works in this case.”
If Only They Knew They Didn’t Have To
“My parents adopted my brother after 5 years of marriage since they couldn’t conceive and really wanted a kid. They adopted him when he was almost a year old. This was mid-80s, back when nobody thought babies need to be picked up and held to ensure correct mental development. Some time after that, they got pregnant and I was born.
So my brother (3 years old at the time of my birth) had some developmental issues, and having a sibling made it much worse.
He became jealous of the new baby and started bullying the little me. Bullying was only the start and he quickly grew into a classic example of an abuser. We have endured 25 years of mental and physical abuse, and all the while my parents did nothing, just took it like martyrs. They thought since they picked him, they have to stick to that decision until the end.
My brother’s behavior was one of the contributing factors to my father’s heart attack and death a few years back. My mother tried coping by developing a drinking problem. One of my grandmas died of a stroke the same day he went over to torment her.
I have left them all to rot with each other, and moved out a long time ago. I don’t want anything to do with a family that sentenced me to a life of abuse because of their decisions and stubbornness. I think that man belongs in an isolation ward and not a family home.
I’m sure after all the pain he caused, my mother regrets ever adopting that child.”
“He Was Just A Terror”
“We adopted my brother when he has 5. Right away there was some behavioral issues, but that is to be expected. I mean this kid is getting thrown into a new family and needs time to adjust.
As time goes by, he starts to steal things from me and my biological brother. Lies a lot, and then does some real red flag things like hurting our cats and hitting my mom in more than one occasion.
My parents did everything they could for him, therapy, rehabilitation centers, even kept in contact with his biological sister and set up meet ups for them to stay connected. He was just a terror to my parents. I can’t even explain how much it destroyed me to see my parents be put through everything he did.
In his teens, he ends up getting arrested for robbery and destruction of property. When he gets out, somehow the court systems awards custody to his biological mom. This means my parents have to pay child support to the biological family because, legally he is still my parents’ responsibility. This broke my mom’s heart.
We (the siblings) are all now adults in our 20s-30s. When my dad unexpectedly passed away and when it was time for the funeral, we offered to pay for my adopted brother’s flight. He said he would rather have the money that the flight costs than come.
The whole situation is sad. My parents were/are awesome, giving people who were treated horribly by this kid who doesn’t care.
My dad did admit to me later in life that he does regret adopting him due to the stress it put on him and my mom, and how his behavior took away from me and my biological brothers childhood by constantly having to deal with problems he got into. This lead to a lot of attention needed to be directed toward the adoptive brother. And my mom won’t admit it, but you can see she has definitely come to terms that he just can’t be saved and he doesn’t want to be.
If I’m being honest, I can’t stand the guy. Haven’t talked to him in 7 years and don’t ever care to.”
This Should Not Be A Routine Thing
“Close friend adopted a boy from foster care when he was 10. Caseworkers told her and her husband even if she knew anything about the kid, which she didn’t, they couldn’t have any information about what the kid had been through because of confidentiality. Fine. Caseworker said strongly, all this kid needs is a loving family. Apparently this kid does have relatives, but none of them want anything to do with him. Really tragic.
Within a few months, it becomes clear this kid is really disturbed. He does not love anyone or anything. Okay, he’s been abused, it’s going to take a while. Therapy, lots of therapy. And love.
Yeah, no. Very quickly, NO other kid will hang out with this kid. I mean they leave the room. And these are not mean kids; they look scared.
Kid goes through puberty. He reaches under younger kids’ clothes to touch them. He thinks therapy is stupid and he does not WANT to stop going after little kids. He likes them about ages 6-8. By age 16, he’s in a state facility for assaulting a younger kid. He was released at 18. TWO DAYS later, he assaulted a 7-year-old in her family’s yard. He is still in prison.
Because he’s over 18, this is public record. His birth relatives end up talking with my friend. None of this was a surprise to them. None of it. He had touched BABIES before going into foster care, when he was still pretty young. The foster system knew all of it. The caseworker, specifically, knew ALL of it.
Caseworkers want to place kids. Apparently, they lie to prospective parents routinely.”
