Bartenders see the crazy of the crazy. Check the stories from these bartenders that had front row seats to the nuttiest
A Daughter Only A Mother Could Love
“A cute girl came into the bar constantly, and always hit on me to a creepy degree. She was cute, but clearly a little bonkers, and got pretty stalkerish, as in finding where I lived and left panties on my doorstep. One night she came in wearing a skirt and no panties. She sat back far enough to ensure I had a plain view of her privates for hours. She tried to come to the bar and grab my junk and tried to unzip my pants so she could ‘service me in front of everyone.’ I declined her offer. She behaved herself for a while and then disappeared for a while to the bathroom.
She came back and was silent but stared at me slyly. My phone started blowing up and I had a dozen picture messages from a number I didn’t know. It was a ton of pictures of a behind with an adult toy in it, fingers in, and other such dirtiness. But the pictures were obviously taken by someone else. I saw that it was this girl who had been creeping me for months in the pictures. She asked me if I like them and as honored as I was to get pictures from a hot yet crazy girl, I didn’t acknowledge them and tried to let her down easy and say she was cut off. Then a heavyset lady came in and sat next to her. It turned out to be her mom. Her mom asked me what I thought about the pictures. It was the mom who was the photographer in the bathroom with her. Apparently, the apple did not fall far from the crazy tree in that case.”
More Than A Flesh Wound
“I own a pub and I am constantly around on late nights. We’re lucky and have a great clientele, minimal incidents. In the same building in the back, there is a smoke and lasers-type nightclub with a punk venue in the basement. One night a big band was playing, so there was a line down the stairs to get in and see the show. A drunk kid decides to jump over this fancy looking railing into the crowd on the stairs below. so he does the whole one hand on the railing and leaps below.
His pinky finger was between the top of the railing and the small piece of metal that was part of the railing design.
As soon as he got over the railing, The railing
RIPPED HIS PINKY finger off.
When the guy lands on the people about eight feet below he freaks out and starts punching everything in sight, blood everywhere.
The bouncers grab him and have no idea that his finger is stuck in the railing, and they can’t figure out why there is so much blood everywhere. it was a solid 20 minutes before the police arrive and they find his finger.
No idea if they were able to reattach”
An Unfortunate Bachelorette Party
“I worked at a sleazy nightclub that hosted bachelorette parties on Saturday nights. The usual scenario would be three or four separate groups of drunk, screaming women being entertained by a troupe of the cheesiest male dancers you can imagine. Fun some nights, but mostly awful, especially if you weren’t having a few cheeky drinks yourself.
The most memorable of these shifts was the night a particularly classy bride-to-be (who had earlier collapsed onto a table, knocking it over and smashing about 15 champagne glasses) managed to pass out in the ladies bathroom (not in a cubicle) and pooped all over herself.
To her misfortune, most of her group of friends saw her in that state, as they all rushed in to make sure she was okay. The manager and a couple of floor staff were also witnesses to the happening.
Unfortunately for him, the funniest part of the whole affair was seeing our bouncer (who had just arrived for his shift wearing a crisp, white shirt) have to carry her up the stairs.
She was picked up by her fiance. What a start to the rest of your life.”
A Sleazy Guy Is Not Welcome
“I am not a professional bartender. In fact, I work in IT.
My parents used to own a Spanish cultural center which had a bar and a dining hall. It was big and popular amongst both Spanish and Belgian people.
I worked there on the weekends to help them out behind the bar if it was busy.
Since the place was so cheap, it somehow also attracted drunks (both friendly and not-so-friendly), aggressive people, desperate people and so on.
There I was working on a busy Sunday afternoon when a guy comes in that nobody knew. This was not uncommon and most strangers had a few beers and went on their merry way without issues. This guy was something else though. In his mid-fifties, sleazily dressed and stank of smoke. He came in, stood still and started staring at some girls (12-14 years old) that were standing there. I had a bad vibe about him.
So I yell, ‘good afternoon!’ and he looks at me, a bit startled. He comes over to the bar and orders a beer.
After about three more, he starts to wander around. Note that there’s a lot of people inside, so he disappears.
After a while, a regular comes to the bar and tells me that if that guy doesn’t leave right now he will break his face.
Turns out that he went walking around, touching little girls, squeezing their buts, putting his hand on their chests and between their legs.
I searched for the guy, grabbed him by his collar, and threw him out, while my mother called the police. They took him away, and we never saw him again.”
A Couple Of Morons Lose A Battle
“I was working in this bar back in college. It’s a popular bar with the collegiate crowd, especially the university whose campus was across the street. The place was always busy, even on Mondays. There was never a dull moment at this place.
One Friday night, after a big MLB game, the place is packed as usual. Locals and college students always made for an interesting and volatile mix. It’s around 1 a.m. and almost everyone in the joint is heading towards that fun stage of drunk along with the sprinkling of jerks that are proper drunk. Cue McJerkFace #1 and College Idiot #2 sparking off about some girl. The two guys get into a big shoving match and luckily the bouncers pull them apart before fists can fly.
We go to chuck them out, but trouble arises because of their respective groups of bros wanting to get into it, and our bouncers who want to avoid a brawl. Aside from the traditional tatted up bouncer, we also hire college kids to bounce. One of the college kid bouncers gets the bright idea to have McJerkFace #1 and College Idiot #2 to arm wrestle each other to decide who stays and who gets stepping. As I said before, we wanted to avoid a brawl, and he felt like this was the best way to diffuse the situation.
Faster than you could say Jaeger Bomb, college door guy had a table and two chairs set out right in the middle of the main door area and ushered McJerkFace and College Idiot to the chairs. ‘You two are going to arm wrestle to decide who stays and who goes. Whichever guy loses has to get his buddies and get out. We don’t tolerate fights and don’t want problems. You guys are gonna settle it like men in front of all these people.’
College Idiot gets his behind BEAT and goes down quickly to McJerkFace. It was hysterical and the everyone loved the whole ordeal. College Idiot was humiliated and grabbed his fratty bros and got stepping. In all, it was the best fight diffuser I had ever seen. I made sure College Cooler got some nice tips that night and free drinks after work. I still laugh about it whenever I think about it.”
A Woman Never Made It Home
“I was in the process of closing up the bar. It was Thursday, so there was just me and the cooks by 11 p.m. This blonde lady in her mid-30s walks in with a strut and orders a Long Island. She has a couple and then out of the blue tells me her little girl was assaulted by her boyfriend, and that he was in jail now but she still loved him. She goes on like this for a while. Now, at this point, I can tell she had a few before arriving at the bar and was getting gushy. Flirting with the line cook in his pepper pants and such. I asked if she was driving, and she said she was walking. I offered to get her a cab and she said she lived close and would be fine. I figure if she’s on foot, she can’t get into too much trouble. WRONG.
I got a call the next day from the police saying she was found in the middle of the street about four blocks away and had been run over. My manager was a jerk about it and immediately started grilling me about how many drinks I had served her. I could have sworn it was only two plus the watered down one I had given her at the end. I felt terrible until I was questioned by the police and they said they expected she laid down in the street on purpose. I decided to work breakfast after that.”
A Lesson To Never Punch A Window
“It was a busy Friday, and a guy was going around making clumsy passes at every woman in the bar. A bouncer and I walked up to him and informed him that it was time to leave. He agreed and walked outside of the bar. We asked him if he needed a cab; he said no and walked across the street to the 7/11. Fast forward about 20 minutes, I hear a loud crash and look at the front door and the dude has punched through the window. The window didn’t shatter; he punched a nice round hole through it and had his arm up to the shoulder in the hole. He pulled his arm out and in the process, he cut all of the tendons and arteries in his armpit. Thank goodness one of the bouncers was in school to be a paramedic. Tied the arm off, called an ambulance and they took him away.
He came back a couple months later and informed us that he had lost the use of the arm and may never regain any functionality. He thanked the bouncer and then wrote a check for the window. That’s the worst thing I’ve seen working in the industry.”
There Is Nothing Quite Like A Biker Bar
“I used to tend bar at this hole in the wall outside Austin. It was a big biker scene. The owner couldn’t get girls to work there on account of the level of attention they would get from these guys, so she hired me.
I worked there for about two months. The motorcycle club that used it as a ‘headquarters’ was always there and usually kept the peace, but there are two instances that will always be in my mind.
1) A band is playing the usual rock and roll cover band stuff. No stage in this place, so they are just set up in a corner. A couple drunk girls were getting into the music and kept approaching the band, singing into mics, playing air guitar or drums along with the band members. Finally, one of the girls walks up to the lead singer, grabs the mic with one hand and his junk in the other and starts singing along with the song. This did not sit well with the lead singer’s wife who jumped this girl, hit her with a beer bottle and then tried to strangle her. The music stops, bikers jump into action to stop it. Apparently, it’s not the first time its happened and the wife had had enough. No major injuries. No cops, but a wild catfight.
2) The owner was this big biker broad out of California. Tough as nails. She used to get into fights with her old man all the time. They’d get drunk and yell at each other. Threaten each other with divorce. All that nonsense. One Saturday night it got really bad. They got twisted up and wound up in the back of the bar. I can hear them yelling at each other then it stops and I hear a large crash. Then the old man comes out ask me for a beer and sits down. I lean back into the kitchen and the owner is sitting down on the floor, unconscious. He had knocked her out.
I grabbed a couple of the other guys to go check on her. She comes to and goes bananas. She came flying out of the kitchen, grabbed him by his beard and started punching him in the face. They grapple for a while before we break it up. I’m pushing the old man back. He looks me dead in the eye and says ‘Don’t make me go to my hip.’ I didn’t understand what that meant till one of the other club members told me that meant he was going to pull a knife on me. He went outside and she followed. They wrestled some more then she threw him off the patio of the bar and he broke his arm.
The next day the old man’s daughter showed up and went at it with the owner and the owner broke her nose. Just another regular day in hillbilly-land.”
Not So Smooth Operator
“There was a stone cold gourmet chef from Apulia, Italy that owned a bunch of restaurants in New Jersey then moved to Panama City Beach, Florida, to ‘retire’ (meaning working six 12-hour shifts a week instead of seven) The food was amazing, but the waitresses were your typical waffle house gals. ‘Our special today is the G-Nokki Gorgonzola’ stuff like that.
I was bartending on the weekends and my friend Rachel was at the bar drinking wine and we were talking. This guy having dinner with his wife, kids, parents, and in-laws comes to the bar and starts flirting with her. He’s been drinking. He offers her a shot of top-shelf vodka. She reluctantly accepts. She drinks it and thanks him.
He goes back to the table and after a few minutes motions to give her another shot. She says she doesn’t want it, so I pour her a shot of water. She lifts the glass, lifts it towards him and downs it. A few minutes later, he motions for another. Another shot of water. She lifts it and then leaves in on the bar.
The table finishes their dinner, load up the kids and old folks into the van, and the man comes back in and leans against the bar and starts flirting. The wife comes in and touches his shoulder. ‘Herb, let’s go, we’re waiting.’
He takes the shot of what he thinks is vodka, throws it fully into his wife’s face, she runs out humiliated and he turns around cool as you please as if to say ‘now where were we?'”
Poor Potty Patty Just Wants To Party
“Served this older lady and her girlfriend for a few hours. Apparently, they were regulars; I had just started. One of them was drinking vodka like it was water. All I knew was that her name was Patricia and she was hilarious. The drunker she got, the funnier she was.
To make a long story short, around 1:30 a.m. she leaned over the bar like she wanted to tell me a secret. I went over and she acts like she’s going to whisper in my ear and SCREAMS, ‘I’M PEEING RIGHT NOW!’ I got the deer in headlights look and looked over the bar and realized she had been peeing on her stool all night.
I decided to call a cab for her and take the stool outside to hose it down later. So she’s standing outside waiting for the cab as I’m dragging the stool out there. The cab drives up, looks at her and the driver says, ‘Nope. No way. Not again. She’s not getting in my cab.’ When I asked why, he said, ‘Potty Patty is banned from all the cabs in town. Good luck finding her a ride.’ And he drove off.
Apparently, this was a regular occurrence, and EVERYBODY knew it. No one bothered to tell me. I had to drive her home.”
Cookie And The Russian Make A Mess
“1 a.m. I’m the only employee on for the rest of the night. There are two cooks, a cook’s girlfriend, and three young 21-year-old college girls who are the only ones at the bar. One of the cooks hanging out is a skinny bearded man. The other is a huge, heavyset Russian guy. His girlfriend is a hulking goth girl nicknamed ‘Cookie’ who is pretty terrifying and insane. She tried bringing her pet tarantula to the bar once and was angry and cried when we made her leave with it.
So the Russian and his scary girlfriend get wasted. I had worked with him for a long time, so I let them do their thing. Bad call. The college girls throw a piece of paper at Russian cook that says something like ‘do you want a shot.’ He gets infuriated and motions to his girl, saying ‘go get em, Cookie.’ I can’t make this stuff up.
‘Cookie’ boulders over and grabs the girl that threw the paper by the hair and screaming in her face. The other two girls get up and grab her and try to stop her. At this point, I’m running around the bar to stop it. In the 20 seconds it took me to get over there, all of this happened: Cookie grabbed the girl by the hair, screaming, pulls her back and makes her topple to the ground back on her stool. The other girls started grabbing her, trying to stop her, so the huge Russian cook goes over and pulls the girls off of Cookie. He grabs one by the hair and arm and throws her into a wall. Cookie punches the other girl who was not on the ground or slammed into a wall.
I get over and hold Cookie back as she gets down to start wailing on the girl on the floor. She is a huge girl, and I had trouble holding her back. I manage to get her to the ground and restrain her. She’s screaming and rakes at my face with her huge nails, cutting my face. I see the other cook who was at the bar get between the huge Russian. They were friends who cooked together. He stood there and said something along the lines of ‘this is done, if you want to hurt them you’re going to have to go through me.’
The Russian yells at him and grabs him by the shirt. He pulls his arm back and holds it for a while before stopping and saying, ‘let’s get out of here, Cookie.’ I let her up and they bolt out the door. I go and help up the college girls, grabbing some napkins to stop the nosebleed on the one thrown against the wall. The other cook guy tends to one of them and puts some gauze on my bleeding face for me. I call the cops.
The cops arrive and I tell them what happened, about this cook and his girl. They know him and where he lives, and they go pick him up. He spent a few months in jail for assault, and his girl Cookie did a few weeks too. If it hadn’t been for that fellow employee being there I would not have been able to stop them. Those girls would have been clobbered. I bought that guy a lot of beers for that.”
A Monster Fights Everything And Mostly Wins
“I’ve been a bartender for about 10 years now. I usually work at dive bars, but I’ve had my stints at fine dining establishments. I think the worst thing I’ve ever had the inopportune chance of coming across happened in downtown Nashville. I had just gone downstairs to change out a keg since the barback was upstairs opening up standalone beer cooler for a ‘Beer Goddess.’ As I’m coming back up the stairs, a body flies -through- the door I’m about to open into the wall to my right.
The man that was just rocketed through the door was my bouncer named Jared. He stands back up and rushes back out the door. While I was gone, this Hungarian monster of a man had knocked out four patrons, one bouncer, and was holding his own against six others. I’ve seen a lot of bar fights in my time, but this man would not go down. Eventually, the cops showed up, but this man, unarmed, took on tasers, threw a cop through a window, took a metal baseball bat to the ribs, and law enforcement-grade mace to the face.
Eventually, he did finally go down, but not before taking all of his clothes off, doing a body drop on the top of the police cruiser, and rubbing up against a female officer.
Turns out he was on every substance you can imagine. His wounds consisted of nine broken ribs, a fractured orbital, a leg broken in four places, and his hands were broken in multiple places.
He put the original bouncer I mentioned and two cops in the hospital.”
A Couple Comes On Hot And Heavy
“A nice middle-aged couple comes in. They are staying at the hotel in the same complex as my bar. Only customers in the place that night. We have fun talking, and they get wasted. The husband asks me what I think of his wife’s chest. They are good. She asks me if I want to feel them, husband says ‘I really should’ so I feel her assets. Awesome. They start asking me questions about my lifestyle, such as if I like to have my behind played with and if I’ve ever been with a guy. They are both hitting on me, especially the husband. They ask if I want to come back to their room so that the husband can hook up with me while the wife watches and pleasures herself. I politely declined. They leave a room key behind with a note saying ‘in case you change your mind.'”