Is this OP in the wrong for carefully figuring out how to get back at his crazy ex-wife?
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Getting revenge on a significant other always sounds like the perfect solution to any problem. I’m guilty of wanting (and maybe even plotting) revenge on some of my exes. As I’m sure you are as well. It’s natural. They hurt us so we want them to feel pain as well.
Personally, I’ve never gone through with any of my revenge plots, maybe you have, but this OP’s sticking to his last chance to make his crazy ex-wife suffer in some way. When the opportunity presented itself, OP is left wondering if he’s making the right choice.
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OP met his wife in his early 30s, but she was in her mid 20s at the time.
“I was already well established and had made a significant amount of money working as a quaint and investing my savings diligently.” OP recalled, “she on the other hand had never gone to college and was content working for basically minimum wage.”
Love knows no financial boundaries.
“When I met her, we clicked instantly and I fell head over heels for her.” OP was quite smitten with his woman. “We got married and moved in together, and soon after had three kids.”
Sounds just like the love life we all hope to have, OP. What a lucky man.
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“When we were expecting our firstborn she had told me she wanted to be a stay at home mom. Obviously, I was jealous but I went along with it since it seemed logical.”
OP’s wife spends the next 20+ years as a stay at home mom taking care of their kids. Meanwhile, OP works 12-hour days and then some. To our OP, something seems a little off-balance here.
“I’m not demeaning stay-at-home moms by the way, but in the context of our marriage she had an extremely easy-going lifestyle.”
Keep in mind, OP has mentioned that his wife has no college degree and previously worked for minimum wage. Despite that, OP feels shorted that he’s doing all the work to keep their family afloat while his wife lives a leisurely lifestyle. It’s not uncommon for men to envy the stay-at-home mom life, but if there isn’t clear communication from both parties, it can get tricky pretty quickly. For instance, is OP thinking his wife’s main goal in life was to get married and stay at home raising kids, not lifting a finger to help out financially? Or what was she really doing with all that time at home?
Unfortunately, OP got an answer to one of those questions.
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“A couple of years ago I discovered she had been cheating on me with her friend’s husband. Divorced obviously followed.” Ah, c’est la vie. While not every stay-at-home mom is sleeping around with their friends husbands, this one was found guilty as charged.
So, OP and his wife went through all the motions when filing for divorce. Who gets what, yaddah, yaddah. The whole nine yards. Obviously, OP was hurt by the actions his wife took. Being cheated on is a horrible feeling, especially when it’s done by someone you trusted and had a family with. But as the dust was settling, OP realized he had an opportunity to get back at his cheating soon-to-be ex-wife.
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“The only major asset we had in the US was our house, which was a premarital asset. We had a shared bank account, but since I am a finance guy I handled all our investments, and for tax reasons invested it abroad in my home country.”
Now if OP and his wife had just grown apart, or she said she was unhappy, things would be different for sure.
“I’d have no problem paying what’s fair. But the fact she cheated on me is what makes me resent paying her a cent.”
In the divorce, OP’s ex-wife is awarded half of their investments made during the marriage, over 90% of which are abroad in OP’s name, along with the alimony for 20 years for 30% of his pay.
So here he is, given an opportunity to get out of this entirely by moving back to his home country and to never look back.
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“So I sell our house as fast as possible, move the money abroad, and move back to my home country while stringing her along with about why it’s taking so long to liquidate our savings. Once abroad I immediately stopped alimony payments.”
After double-checking with his lawyers, OP’s wife has no legal recourse and is left with her share of the small amount they had in the states. Seems like OP got his revenge! But when he posted this, he received a mix of reactions.
“She didn’t have any ambition before she was married, she chose to be a stay at home mom, she chose to cheat.” One user says. “She made her bed and now she has to sleep in it. It sounds like their kids are all grown up/moved out so there’s no child support involved. She cheated on her husband with a married man she deserves the bare minimum. ‘Oh but how will she make a living?’ That’s her mess and only hers now. She cheated and sabotaged the stability her husband provided she’s not owed anything above the bare minimum after breaking trust like that. Yes, she raised the kids but at the same time, he worked 12 hr shifts, etc obviously making a boatload of money for her and the kids. Also raising someone’s children doesn’t give you an excuse to leech off of them after you completely shatter your relationship/trust. Raising the dang kids isn’t a get out of jail free card!”
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“She wanted to be a stay at home mom. That was her choice. She requested it. OP supported it.” Another user commented, “the way OP talks it seems like they are pretty well off or that OP really knows how to handle money so child care wouldn’t have been a problem. In my mind, the (ex)wife cheated and forged the alimony payments because of this. Why should he continue to support a cheater for 20 more years when he’s trying to wash his hands of her? Cut that out of his life and move on.”
One user was quick to offer words of support for the OP. “She cheated she doesn’t deserve a cent from you. If you had to pay child support I would say different because child support money is supposed to go toward the kids. But since it’s just alimony, forget her. She went and cheated rather than talking to you about if she was unhappy or whatever!”
While on the contrary, another user says, “This isn’t about feelings at this point. This is about labored relations. The idea of alimony for the stay at home spouse is that they raised your kids, foregoing other work. It doesn’t matter that she was working for minimum wage. She gave up opportunities once you had the kids. She didn’t save for retirement, because if someone is a primary caregiver the idea is that the spouse who works outside the home takes care of retirement. Now that the marriage is over, alimony fulfills your obligation to pay for her half of the labor of raising the children you also wanted.”
So is OP in the wrong for getting revenge on his cheating ex?
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