He Was Already Uninterested, Then She Mentioned Her TV Appearance
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“So, in the Golden Age of Match.com (2001-2003), I made a deal with myself: I wouldn’t give them any money, but I’d go out on at least one (1) date with any girl who approached me.
This took mere weeks, actually, before I had a date with a girl who had no picture. The plan was to meet her at her place and figure out next steps. Her place was downtown, in a condo with a lovely view of the Space Needle, but the inside was kind of like a polyester explosion that hadn’t been vacuumed in a couple months. I briefly met a gay, male roommate, who glared at me, and we started walking (I had a car but she didn’t and was only used to her local sphere of influence).
We wound up going to a gay bar (that charged cover on a Tuesday) where sugary shots were readily available but straight hard stuff wasn’t. So as I was drinking my disappointing drink, I was trying to find out what the heck I’d attached myself to that evening.
It should be noted right off that she was unattractive. I was there only because of my cosmic bargain with myself. She was maybe 40 lbs overweight, had stringy black hair, and an inability to look me in the eyes. So – what did she do?
She went to school. She was in math right now. Like, calculus? No. Pre-calc? No. Algebra? Algebra was a word she recognized; she mentioned that she was only five classes away from Algebra. I tried to do the numbers in my head and deduced that she was currently making her way through Numbered Blocks 101 or possibly Carry The Four 200.
So, you’re old enough that this isn’t a right-outta-high-school adventure, I said (I was 26, she was a little older, I think). Well, yes, she said, she dropped out of high school and only recently got over a crippling speed habit. Hmm. Best not discuss that.
I’m not even sure how it came up, but we discussed travel. She mentioned that she really liked New York City. Oh? And when were you in NYC?
‘WhenIwasonRikkiLake, ‘ she said as sipped her green drink.
‘Beg your pardon?’ I asked.
‘When I was on Ricki Lake,’ she said again
Now she looked me in the eye. As it turns out, she thought she’d been flown in for a makeover (don’t they always). And she found herself on a show titled, ‘I’m Your Gay Roommate And I Want You To Have My Baby.’
So… you had a gay, male roommate… and he wanted you to have his baby, I said, more than somewhat incredulously.
‘Have,’ she said.
‘This was when?’ I asked.
‘About four months ago.’
I drained my drink. Tabbed out. Walked her back to her apartment. She invited me in – you can bet I had to work early the next morning. Roommate glared at me again. And I went home and drank some more.
She called me two weeks later. She’d been laid off from her job in the call center at Qwest. She wondered if I had any leads for her. I didn’t.”
She Just Didn’t Know When To Quit
“A girl that I used to go to high school with moved back to town after many years away. She demanded we get together, so we did and decided to keep seeing each other. After a couple of dates, we met up for drinks near my place after I got off of work.
We got a few drinks, had a good conversation, grabbed a bite to eat. We’re informed by the bartender that while it’s not necessarily the last call, the bar was closing, though we could continue to drink in the adjoining restaurant. As we had fresh drinks, we decided to do so. From here, things got weird.
We finished our drinks and I put forth, ‘We should go grab a bottle of vino and head over to my place.’
She nodded but then a guy walked by while talking on his cell phone and said something about ‘hooking up some smoke for later.’
She turned to me and said: ‘I can make any guy do anything.’
For the next hour, she dry humped this guy while I made small talk with his friends. When closing time came, said guy had realized that she’s with me and that she’s crazy, so he gladly leaves with his friends.
We ended up back at my place. She was crazy hammered and ended up passing out on my floor.
The next day, she insisted on mimosas and quiche, the supplies of which are easily purchased from a Trader Joe’s just a few blocks away. I had to work, so she put away a whole bottle of cheap bubbly in about an hour by herself.
While getting ready to leave, she noticed she was missing a sweater. She assumed she left it at the bar and so went there upon taking her leave.
Four hours into my shift, I got a call from her number that isn’t her: ‘Wake up, wake up. If you don’t wake up, we’re going to have to call an ambulance.’
At the end of my shift, I got a call from her. She’s at a hospital and had been admitted for drinking too much. She needed me to come get her because they wouldn’t release her because when she admitted she claimed to be suicidal. She couldn’t call anyone else because she’s had two drinking and driving charges and if the police found out, she would have gone to jail.
Apparently, after she left my place, she went to the bar and started drinking again. Got a phone call from an ex and drank even more.
I spent the night in the ER with her. Paid for a cab to take us back to her place. Made sure everything was all right and then got out of there.
Hope she’s doing well.”
Yelling At The Kitchen Staff Was The Last Straw
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“I went on a breakfast date with a total tool. First, he yelled at the waiter after the waiter spilled a little bit of orange juice on MY side of the table. It wasn’t a big deal, but he made a scene yelling at the waiter and telling him he wasn’t going to get a tip. Poor waiter, you could tell he was a little dim. Breakfast was okay aside from him trying to convince me to go back to his place afterward.
After finishing his meal, he decided he wanted more. Instead of waiting for the waiter to come back, he went back to the kitchen area and yelled, ‘Can I get some freaking service over here, you idiots!?’ I had had enough. I went up to register, paid the bill, and took off.”
He Was So Scared By Her, He Risked Driving Impaired
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“I met a girl at a bar. She was with her friends and they wanted to leave. She looked at me and asked if she could stay and get a ride to her place later with me. I thought that was a great idea. The girl was hot! Right after her friends left, she downed her drink and said, ‘Let’s go to my place.’ I drove to her house and she suggested that I park in her garage as she had nosy neighbors and did not want them to see my car in her driveway in the morning. Once inside, she poured us both a drink and we sat in the living room. She told me she’s had enough to drink and wanted to go upstairs but told me to give her a few minutes to ‘get ready.’ I waited a while, then went upstairs and she was already in bed. I stripped down and hopped into the bed. I started making moves, just standard foreplay. She started off in a rant about how I am not supposed to hurt her, how this was not her idea, how she’s afraid of being assaulted and how her ex-husband is a cop and still wants to get back with her and she’s thinking of calling him to get me out of her house!
I got out of bed, scrambled for my clothes and almost fell down the stairs trying to get out. Once in the garage, I couldn’t find the button to open the electric door, so I reached up and (somehow) snapped a connection and opened it manually. I’d had too much to drink and should not be driving, but I had no other choice. On the way home, I drove through a sobriety checkpoint but my car was a 4-door sedan and I had a suit on and I guess I looked sober, so the cops waved me through. Amazingly, I get home and pass out on the sofa.
At 6 in the morning, the girl called me, telling me that I broke her garage door. I replied, ‘Well, you broke my heart, so we’re even!’ And I never heard from her again.”
The Night Just Got Worse And Worse…The Day Wasn’t Any Better
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“One night, I picked up a guy at his place and drove us across town to hear a local band at a small venue. While we were there, I had too much to drink, including lots of (free) shots with the band. Three-quarters of the way into the night, he was a little tipsy, and I was completely wasted. A waitress saw me trying to dance and falling over myself, so she helped me to the bathroom, where I proceed to throw up in the toilet. She walked me back out to the dude I was there with and said that I was going to have to leave. She actually helped me get out to my car, where I laid down in the back seat, and also gave me a bottle of water. The dude stayed inside until the show was over. I was laying in the backseat, feeling awful, and I had to open my car door and throw up in the parking lot a couple of times, while still laying down. I could hear the band still playing. Once the show was finally over, the guy came out, jumped in the driver’s seat, and drove me back to his place.
We got back to his house, and he said that I should just stay there since there’s no way I could drive anywhere. I agreed. We shared a bed, but I doubt that anything really happened since I was too inebriated.
Fast-forward to a few hours later. The sun’s up and we woke up. There was vomit everywhere, with chunks of food in it. He immediately blamed me, but I said that it must have been him because I didn’t eat ‘that’ the day before. He looked more closely at the chunks of food and realizes that yes, he had the Mexican food the previous night, so it was his vomit everywhere. We were both extremely hungover at this point, and although my head was throbbing, I knew that I have to get this mess cleaned up and not continue to lay in his vomit. He left the room and I started cleaning the carpet, wall, door, and sheets. I went downstairs and throw the sheets in the washing machine. I went back upstairs and realized that he’d passed out again but in a different bed. I continued cleaning, then went back downstairs to check the laundry.
While I was down there, I noticed that his dog needed to go outside. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to let the dog out with no leash, but I did. Of course, the dog ran away. I wanted to chase him, but I wasn’t properly clothed. So, I eventually found my clothes scattered up the stairs and in the room, but I still couldn’t find my shoes. I didn’t care at this point and really just needed to get the dog back, so I started running down the block, barefoot and hungover, calling the dog’s name. I finally saw him, but he wanted to play a game with me. He’d let me get just close enough to barely grab him but then run away again. I tried various methods of trying to get him to chase me, to no avail. I tried throwing sticks to get him to chase those, but no dice either. I finally started walking back to the house, but of course, he didn’t follow. I got back to the house and decided to look for dog treats and a leash. I couldn’t find the leash, but I found the treats. I grabbed a few of them and headed back outside. It was hot, I was still barefoot, and my head was throbbing from my hangover, but I really needed to get this dog back. After quite a while of chasing him in and out of neighbors’ yards, and up and down several streets, I got close enough to show him that I have dog treats. He stopped running, so I gave him a treat. I slowly bribe him back home with the treats, rewarding him along the way with half a treat or so at a time, just to keep him moving. We got inside and I collapsed on the couch.
I realized that the laundry was done, so I went to put it back on the bed. Some of the food chunks were still stuck to the comforter. I tried to clean it off and run it through the wash a second time. While it’s in, I started looking for my car keys; they were nowhere to be found. I went upstairs and the dude was still passed out, so I woke him up and asked him where my keys are. He didn’t know. I eventually find them on a desk in a room that I hadn’t been in the previous night (but since he drove home, that made sense). I went out to my car and all of my stuff was still there, including my shoes. Now that I was sure that I had all of my belongings, I really just wanted to lay down on the couch and sleep off the hangover.
I got some water for myself and the dog, and a glass for the dude, and I brought it up to him. He said that I should probably leave because his wife would be home soon from a business trip.
I cursed under my breath and make a miserable drive home.”
Surrounded By Ex-Girlfriends
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“I should preface this story with the disclaimer that I am in no way a lady’s man, and should not be seen as such. I’ve been in a total of five relationships in my life (six if you count some heavy hand-holding in middle school).
Anyway, my (now ex-girlfriend) was visiting my hometown, which is extremely small and it is not uncommon to see about 50% familiar faces when downtown. I was showing her the sights and was really mostly showing her places I used to smoke pot when I was in high school.
I had planned a nice evening for us in which we would eat dinner and then go sit outside together. As we’re walking to the restaurant, I happened to see an ex walking towards us. She greeted me congenially and ignored my girlfriend, instead telling me about 25 inside jokes which entirely excluded my girlfriend from the conversation. The ex then asked if I still had her number and forced me to take out my phone and prove to her that (while I may not have had the motivation), I had the potential to call her if I wanted to. Feeling death stares from my girlfriend, I politely informed the ex that we were late for our dinner reservation, and she left me with an unnecessarily long hug.
So literally 15 steps later, I happened to glance over toward a garbage can and I saw someone skitter behind it. Immediately, I recognized the King-tTut-esque bumpit-ized hair on the overly made up face of yet another ex. Having realized not just who was hiding, but also who they were hiding from and their motivation for doing so (it was an awkward relationship with an even more awkward breakup which consisted of a ridiculously high cell phone bill due to texts…not minutes), I decided it best to keep going. Unfortunately, I soon learned that my girlfriend had noticed Ex #2, and was obviously curious. At this point, I couldn’t take anymore, and so I nearly dragged my girlfriend to the restaurant wherein I explained to her the situation.
The funny thing is that I’m not a big dater. All of my relationships can be considered long-term and there have been few. So why the heck I ran into two exes in one evening, I have no idea.
You don’t need to hear the rest, but basically she started crying, we didn’t eat, we sat in the car yelling for a few hours, I left her a few months later when I realized that this sequence of events (minus the part where I’m a P.I.M.P.) basically summed up our entire relationship.”
She Led Him On It Was A Mistake
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“Freshman year in college, I was really enjoying my sudden ability to flirt with guys (in high school, this was not possible for me for some reason0.
Anyway, there was this guy, kind of a meathead, frat-joining kind of guy, named Josh who was in a group of friends I partied with in the dorms. He was really sweet, just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Throughout the year, he had built up this huge debilitating crush on me. To him, I was this quirky breath of fresh air, much like Natalie Portman in ‘Garden State.’ This guy was a little like Zachery Ty Brian’s character on Home Improvement, only a bit older than Brad got in the show.
So, I was open and honest and told Josh I was in love with a jerk in another city who will never love me back, so I wasn’t interested in dating him. He persevered. We got hammered and made out a little bit. He said he had never experienced such an awesome kiss (yes, this was my mistake, I should have never lead a guy on like that. Also, my kiss was a pretty typical 19-year-old wasted girl kiss.)
The next morning, he came up to my dorm and asked me to go on a date. I said yes, somewhat hesitantly, and emphasized the whole ‘friend’ thing. Of course, that doesn’t work in these kinds of situations.
He picked me up and he was wearing one of those marshmallow FUBU-type coats and drenched in cologne. He was sweating a lot and his voice squeaked, and the conversation was SO FREAKING AWKWARD. He was trying to make this some, ‘I’m spontaneous hey-look-I’m-cool-like-you kinda date!’ and was trying to act all awkwardly coy about it.
He took me to a pizza buffet/video game joint. ‘TA-DA! I know you like video games!’ I acted enthused. This was not the kind of guy you want play video games with.
We decided to eat first and he was still just sweating and shaking. I grabbed a plate of pizza and he got like two slices. We made small talk, but it’s just so terrible.
The worst part was: he would pick up a piece of greasy pizza, look at it awkwardly, and set it down, and then wipe his hands with a napkin. He did this about 100 times until his plate was overflowing with used napkins and he had only taken like one bite out of pizza. And there I was, across from him, stuffing my face.
I realized things were not looking good and poor Josh was probably just feeling awful. So, I dropped my piece of pizza, moved across the table to sit next to him. I looked at him and said, ‘JOSH! I’m just a girl. There’s nothing that special about me, please don’t worry about these things, and just eat some pizza!’
It seemed to help him out a bit. He ended up at least eating one slice, maybe two and he laughed off some of the nervousness.
After the crappy dinner, we played awkward video games and rode a roller coaster simulator. It was alright. We rode back to the dorms and he just knew how pitiful he had looked. He knew we were in different worlds. I was just a spirited, fresh-faced 19-year-old girl that liked enough odd/geeky things to be interesting. He just wanted to be liked by his alpha-male friends and be accepted as a cool dude.
We didn’t say anything more than ‘hello’ after that date until he found a girlfriend that was much more suited to his personality. Some sorority girl, I think.
This experience with Josh will always kind of haunt me. That power I had over a guy was just so strange. His intense interest in me, his extreme nervousness, all of it.
Definitely a bad date. I felt sad about it all too for quite a while, as I realized I shouldn’t have let it get that far, to begin with.”
The Creeper Got Grosser And Grosser
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“I went on a second date with a guy that I’d actually thought was OK on the first date.
We were at a restaurant and he was ALL OVER me. It was more than just a little flirty touching; I honestly think he had every intention of trying to strip me down and bone me right on the table. I pretty clearly told him more than once that I wasn’t comfortable with this sort of public displays of affection and that he needed to stop. His response was to plant his face in my cleavage and lick it. I pushed his face away with a stern, ‘Do NOT touch me again.’ This did the trick and he did stop with the physical assaults.
But, having been forbidden to touch me, he then launched into the inappropriate questions. He asked about my ex-husband and first asked if he knew how to ‘ring my bell.’ I told him I didn’t think that was an appropriate question. He responded, ‘Well, then, was he a good kisser?’
I encouraged him to move along to a different topic and we started talking about food and wines that he liked. He said he really liked the bubbly, then said, ‘You know what bubbly is good for?’
Me: ‘No, what?’
Him: ‘Think of ice, cold bubbly followed by a warm tongue. Would you like me to do that to you?’
Me: ‘Umm, not really. You are making me VERY uncomfortable with these kinds of questions.’
At this point, I knew I was never going to see/talk to this guy again but was just trying to see the date through to its conclusion. I gave it one last try to try to loop back into a normal conversation. Not to be deterred, he ignored my question about hobbies and said, ‘So do you like to make love?’
I went off on a mini-rant about how inappropriate and creepy his behavior was, got up and RAN out of the restaurant. Never heard from him again.”
Things Got Worse By The Drink
“Back when I was freshly single, I would lurk the Craigslist personals to see if anyone caught my eye when I came across this beautiful girl who seemed really intelligent and interesting. Thinking she couldn’t be real, I sent her a message expecting to get back the standard bot response, but she responded and we agreed to go out on a date. We went out on two dates both pretty good, the second one ended with us making out in the parking lot at a bar after last call.
Then she just dropped off the planet, didn’t return my calls, AIMs or anything just gone. You would think after this I would learn my lesson, but we ended up reconnecting and she invited me out on another date. I agreed and we decided to meet on Sunday at a bar to have some drinks and watch the football game.
So everything was going normally when I noticed this girl was just slamming back cold ones; she was on her sixth while I was on my second. Since we both drove to the bar, I realized that someone was going to have to drive us out of there so I slowed down a little. The game ended and she was on brew number ten while I was on four or so when she realized she was out of smokes. I don’t smoke, so she went trolling the bar for a butt to bum and managed to get one off this 40-year-old UGLY (this is important later) lesbian chick.
A while later, a couple of brews came to our table from the bar and the lesbian woman came over and seated herself at our table. The girl I was with was completely smashed and she and the lesbian chick were doing this weird, flirty, annoying banter. When the lesbian chick got up to go to the bathroom, my date leaned over and said, ‘You know I don’t really like her right? I’m just doing this for free drinks.’ At this point, I knew the date is hosed so I was just enjoying my free drinks, too.
The lesbian came back from the bathroom and started telling me (and my date) about how she is a psychologist at the local medical center and how her mom owns the bar we were in and that she is sorry if she was hyper, but she just did a bunch of blow in the bathroom. I laughed but was thinking to myself, ‘You’re like 40!’
The next downpour in the date storm was the lesbian’s gay friends came over and started hitting on me. Probably because my date was now too enamored with getting free drinks from this ugly lesbian (she’s on number fourteen, now by the way). I politely informed them I was straight as an arrow and at this point, I was ready to call it a night.
My date, however, was smashed beyond any hope of driving, so being the gentleman that I am, I waited up for her to finish. I looked back over and she and the lesbian were making out (which I couldn’t help but think, ‘Man, this would be hot if that lesbian wasn’t SO ugly and old,’) and the gay friend was now intently giving me the ‘come hither look.’ So I decided to beat a hasty exit. My date had now decided she was done and was now coming with me.
I got ahead of her outside and took a seat on one of the nearby benches and waited for her to come out. She finally came out and walked in front of me, then fell down and face planted on the sidewalk. She got up and said, ‘YOU TRIPPED ME!’
I respond, ‘No way, you were a good FIVE feet from my legs.’ So she sat down at the bench and tried a shot at making out with me. But after watching her get down with the crypt keeper in the bar, I was having no part of it.
So she stumbled over to her car and couldn’t even get the keys out. I told her she was in no condition to drive and I’d give her a ride home. So I got in the car and she is literally hanging on my door handle. At this point, I’d had about enough so I asked her ‘You getting in?’ She hopped in and I dumped her off at her house.
It’s always a bad night when your date ends up going for an ugly lesbian over you.”
She Deliberately Didn’t Get Her Hopes Up, But He Still Disappointed
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“I was a 20-year-old girl trying to play it smooth with a guy I really liked. He was a computer science major.
Now, I know that Valentine’s Day is overhyped, overplayed, and totally lame, etc. However, I’m a girl. Those of you who do well with women know that, on some level, this nonsense (and it is nonsense) is important to us.
Anyway, he asked what I wanted to do for Valentine’s and I said I didn’t care. I didn’t mean to set him up, I just didn’t want him to think I was some emotionally unstable immature girl. I was trying to play it smooth.
He took me to McDonald’s drive-through and we ate in the parking lot.”
A Really Nasty Ex Returns
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“I was out on the town with my best friends from college and a few of their friends and girlfriends. We were bar hopping and generally having a good time when I got a call from my ex, asking what I was up to and if she could join us.
Some quick background on her: she is 5′ 10” and maybe 130 lbs and has very defined features (aka extremely hot). Awesome, right? Well, she’s a kleptomaniac who often steals from stores, has very bad ADD, and is very manic depressive which also causes her to be hypersexual. Granted that this last affliction has resulted in some great experiences.
Anyways, she met up with us and brought her male friend with her. This guy is a childhood friend of hers who is completely in love with her but she has no interest in. We drank and everything was going well. It started getting late and the bars were closing down, so we all decided to walk over to a nearby diner for some food. This was where things took a bad turn.
We were in the diner and everyone had ordered and was waiting for their food. My ex wasn’t hungry so she started getting a little antsy without anything to do. So what did she do? She picked a fight with one of my friend’s girlfriend’s friends, whom we all know very well. She started calling her a house cleaning liquid’s name (similar to her actual name) until the girl got so angry, she stood up and came over to my ex. The friend placed her hands on my ex’s shoulders and started to tell her to bugger off. Well, suddenly a 350 lbs. 5′ 11” police officer who had been watching this argument from outside the diner tackles the friend (she’s 5′ 5” and maybe 120 lbs) to the ground because he thought she was choking my ex.
The cop then proceeded to throw this confused small girl around the diner’s dining room like a rag doll. He picked her up a few times and threw her against a wall headfirst, all under the pretense that ‘she was fighting an officer.’ Well, of course, she was flailing around, she had no idea why a strange person just grabbed her from behind and started trying to tackle her to the ground.
So at about 2:30 am, the friend was in handcuffs outside with four squad cars present. Everyone we were out with was giving me the look of disapproval and my ex was smiling, saying how she should testify to get the friend locked up.
I managed to talk my ex out of this ridiculous notion and she told the cops it was just a misunderstanding and the friend was released (she still had to go to court which is much worse since she no longer lives in the state). I told everyone sorry and that I’d see them later and we walked the opposite direction.
So we went back to my ex’s childhood friend’s house where we drank a bit more until 6 am then went to bed in separate bedrooms (big house). I woke up at noon and I was starving and just wanted to go home, unfortunately, my car was parked by the bars and my ex’s friend wouldn’t leave until she woke up.
I went upstairs to wake her up and she wass passed out cold due to her manic depression meds (she can’t wake up until she takes a different set of meds). She was also splayed out on the bed, half naked since she wears thin dresses but hates underwear. So I was trying to wake her up to take her meds, she’s basically naked, and her friend walked in. Well, I covered her up and after a few hours, she was finally up. We went to get my car, I got home and went to sleep.
Months later we get blackout trashed, hooked up, and then she moves out of the state. The end. Forever. I hope.”
