It's always a good time when you've knocked back a few drinks, but have you ever managed to accomplish things you could never have imagined while inebriated? And then wondered why you aren't able to do any of these things sober?
It's like...magic.
‘I Paid My Bills’
“I once woke up the following morning of a heavy night out, worried I had done something stupid but it turned out that I paid my bills, put some money in my savings account, and sent nice messages to my friends to tell them I was proud of them, while out of it.”
The Necessary Wipe Out
“I got wasted and deleted every picture, phone number, email and any sort of contact information I had for any girl I’d ever slept with or dated.”
The Failsafe
“I went on a two-week bender vacation with an old friend in Europe once. One of our stops was in Madeira – a tiny Portuguese island in the middle of the Atlantic.
My friend has family there, so one night we met up with his very attractive cousin and her friend. His cousin was naturally ‘off limits’, but that wasn’t going to stop my me from hitting on her. She was quite friendly and flirted back, much to my enthusiasm (and my friend’s displeasure). I celebrated my budding success the only possible way when in Madeira – ordering the table a shot. And another. And another.
Two hours later, we stumbled out of the bar and towards a dance club, each of us well past ten drinks in, me in a particularly bad state as I wasn’t a partier. At this point, the first thoughts of the I’m-blacking-out-tonight-realization started creeping in my brain, but as I was having fun and hoping to score, I shoved them away and forged ahead into oblivion.
That turned out to be a mistake. After a half hour of dancing, I realized that I had about five minutes before I was completely out of it. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself, so I summoned every last ounce of cohesion I had left, told his cousin and her friend goodbye (‘I’m really tired, sorry to bail out!’) and informed him in no uncertain terms that I would need help making it back to the hotel. With that, and before he could say anything, I stumbled out of the door and down the sidewalk.
I remember that walk surprisingly clearly, given the state I was in. The club was at the bottom of a cliff, with a road running alongside it. I followed the road to a point juuust out of sight from the club, and collapsed in a dark crevice of the cliff, completely out of energy. I was the protagonist in a movie who was succumbing to a poison gas, with seconds left to hit the button and save the day. With my dying breaths, I pulled out my phone, opened the alarm app, set a timer for one minute, dropped it on my lap, and passed out.
I woke up the next afternoon, thankfully in our hotel, and my friend filled me in on what happened. He’d hit the bathroom before leaving the club, expecting me to be waiting at the door. When he didn’t find me, and the bouncers said I’d walked off down the road, he flipped out – I was a foreigner, unable to speak the language (or probably, for that matter, speak at all), and almost certainly lost. He ran down the road expecting to find me being arrested or robbed and started to panic when he couldn’t find me anywhere. Then he heard a strange beeping coming from a crevice in the cliff.
He followed the sound, and sure enough, there I was: passed out on the ground, drooling, with my phone’s timer flashing and beeping in my lap. He was able to wake me up with relatively minor protest (I only threw a few half-hearted punches) and walk me back to the hotel.
That incident, along with a few others during the trip, taught me that I have a magical ability to always make it back to my bed. Each and every time I blacked out on the trip, whether we were in a bar, restaurant, or park, there came a point when I’d leave without warning and find my way back to the hotel. I walked, rode subways, called cabs, whatever it took to get back. Never once did I wake up anywhere other than my hotel bed.
I call this ability ‘The Failsafe’.”
No Means No
“I turned down intimacy in a toilet cubicle. I wish it’s because I was sensible but it was actually because we had the same name and I couldn’t get past that.”
Pictures Or It Didn’t Happen
“I was the least gone when one of the guys slipped, fell and dislocated his shoulder.
I took him to the first aid station and looked after him in the hospital for a couple hours.
The smart thing? I filmed the doctor popping his arm back in and sent it to the group WhatsApp.”
Mom, The Hero
“I called my mom at 2 am out of my mind. She drove 50 miles to get me and brought me to get my car the next day. And I didn’t get a lecture, just a hug.”
‘I Became A Sudoku Master’
“I found my old Nintendo DS about a year ago and started playing Brain Training again. I’ve never learned how to do Sudoku and never attempted it. One night, I got absolutely hammered and when I awoke the next morning, the majority of Sudoku puzzles were completed and to this day, I have no knowledge of how to do Sudoku or how I accomplished any of that, that night.”
Trapped In The Closet
“The cops broke up a party at the small university I was attending. They arrested everyone underage. People ran into bedrooms and shut the lights and closed doors. I ran into a room with a girl, told her to leave the door open and lights on. We went into the closet.
The cops arrested everyone in the other rooms. Poked their heads into our room and left.”
‘I Prevented A Bar Fight’
“I once prevented a fight between two dudes who were yelling at each other because they thought the other one stole the cue ball from their pool table.
I just grabbed a cue ball from an unoccupied table. Inebriated people lose common sense.”
‘I Didn’t Send That Text Message’
“There was this girl I was trying to talk to, but she wasn’t really into me. I would still try to message her but it was obvious we were just friends.
So, a few days after New Years earlier this January, some friends and I were having some drinks.
It was around 3 am when I decided to send this girl a message. I was going to be like ‘Hey! I haven’t talked to you a while! Happy New Year!’ But, even in my not normal state, I knew it was a crappy message to send to someone who’s not so into you, especially at 3 in the morning.
So, I just deleted the message, put my phone in my pocket, and had another round with my friends.”
‘I Online Shop…Well’
“I’m a fan of online shopping after getting home after a heavy night, just before going to sleep. Important to delete the confirmation emails so that the next week is filled with mysterious packages arriving and nine out of ten times I’m pleasantly surprised with what ripped me has chosen.”
Still Got That A Though
“One time I had a night class that I hated. On the day of the final, I had time to kill, and so I went with my friend to a bar. I got gone obviously and afterwards, she dropped me off at the school again. And I still got an A.”
‘With Zero Recollection’
“So here’s the thing. I had no money on my transportation card, but somehow, I walked 15 minutes to the station, topped the card up 20 dollars, found my way on the train I needed to take through more than 10 platforms, got home, undressed, and went to bed…WITH ALMOST ZERO RECOLLECTION OF DOING SO.”
‘I Got A New Job’
“I got pickled for free with a small business owner when I was 21. I lost my job for not showing up the next day but remembered that I got a better one that night. I showed up to my first shift that afternoon where I was making more money.”
Better Than Friends With Benefits
“Got real intimate with someone on ‘OkCupid’ that I was determined to stay just friends with because we have too many mutual friends and family so a friends with benefits situation usually wouldn’t work out.
The friends with benefits situation actually didn’t work out, but he ended up my husband so I guess I’ve got that going for me.”
‘I Bought A Behind Cleaner’
“I bought a bidet from Amazon. I have pooping problems so sometimes I can end up going to the bathroom 2 to 3 times in a row so wiping can get painful. The bidet takes that out so I can comfortably go the bathroom whenever I need and not have to worry about my butt bleeding.
I’m writing this while on the toilet actually.”
Super Powers
“Not me, but my friend. I was in Barcelona with 2 of my friends (one girl, one guy). The girl and I led the way everywhere because she and I could speak decent Spanish. The guy friend was terrible, and could barely say basic words. One night, we stayed out till about 7 am and got pretty gone. We get into the taxi, and somehow our guy friend gives the taxi driver directions back to our Airbnb, all perfect Spanish. Once we woke up later, he lost his powers and needed us to ask someone where the bathroom was.”
‘I Wrote A Love Letter, To Myself’
“Probably the time I left a note to myself, paraphrased from Dutch:
‘Good morning jerk, if you check the fridge you’ll find some roast chicken, happy breakfast. If you check the fridge in the shed, you’ll find some Monster, hotdogs and sauerkraut, happy lunch. Check the oven, pizza is in there, happy dinner!
P.s. I drank a lot, love you!'”
The Dragon Tattoo
“I got a really great dragon tattooed on my shoulder. Stumbling around randomly, we just walked into a shop and I told the guy to forget the flash and just draw it freehand. It turned out he was a fabulous artist and it’s a freaking masterpiece. It’s been years, and I still admire it in the mirror almost every day.”
‘I Renewed My Insurance’
“My roommates and I got lit at home, I went through the mail, filled out and sent my vehicle registration renewal. We searched for twenty minutes for a stamp and finally found one to mail it. In my state, this required a check, insurance policy number, social security number and driver’s license number. Two weeks later, I’m in the kitchen opening mail with roommates and say, ‘wow, I got my new registration. Did they extend it now? Do they do this automatically now?’ Not remembering that I renewed it. My roommates had to remind me that I renewed it.”
‘I Spoke Spanish…Well’
“I was in Puerto Rico with my boyfriend. He and his friend were bilingual but I wasn’t very good at speaking Spanish and the other guy’s girlfriend wasn’t very good at English. Once we were gone we talked all night in each other’s languages. In the morning, sober, we could no longer communicate.”
Water By The Bedside
“I was loaded last night. This morning I woke up and my belt was hung up nicely in my closet, my clothes were in my laundry hamper, my keys and wallet were in my bowl that I bought for them and I had left a glass of water on my bedside table. Loaded me is a very thoughtful fellow.”
The Mediator
“I got hammered on holiday in NY, my parents got super upset. We went to a musical and we were on such bad terms that I left in the interval to sit outside and sulk because I am super mature. I witnessed a couple having a fight and decided that in my current state that I could help, and I actually DID. I solved the argument and turned out one was a manager at a prominent NY hotel in Manhattan. I drank a whole lot for free the next few days.”
‘I Did So Well On My Test My Teacher Thought I Was Cheating’
“I passed an English test in high school that I studied really hard for. I never did much homework so my grade wasn’t that good and I went to school inebriated and aced the test. The teacher was super upset and thought I cheated. She even almost made me take the test again, until I rattled off answers off the top of my head when she started grilling me!
From that point on, my teacher had a new respect for me and started being nice which, in turn, made me like the class more and start actually doing my homework.”
I, The Human GPS
“I ordinarily have a very good sense of direction, I’m good at finding my way to places if I’ve ever been there before, even once.
I was on a trip to Italy with some friends, and we went to Venice. If you’ve ever been to Venice, you’ll know that it’s an absolute maze of twisting alleys, bridges, and squares. It can be very easy to get lost. We all went out late at night, mostly trashed, and I and one friend decided to split from the rest and head home early. The trouble was, the others in the group had our map.
I managed to guide us back from the Rialto bridge to the western end of the island without getting us lost, entirely from memory. I’m super proud of that one.”
That One Time I Drank And Drove…
“I got pulled over doing 60 miles per hour in a 30 zone after drinking 2 40oz of Old English. That was not the smart part, I would never do that again but I was 17. Instead of waiting in my car, I got out and met the cop at his car. He did not like that.
Where is the smart part you are asking?
The officer asked me to do a field sobriety test. I passed the balance part easily, as drinking doesn’t affect my balance very much. Then the mental part. He asked me to recite the Alphabet backward. I did it the first try with no hesitation, in what I can only describe as an imbecile savant. ZYXWVUT etc CBA.
He just said ‘wow,’ and let me on my way.
I dodged being arrested.”
The Chess Champion
“I was at a party the first New Years after I graduated. Everyone was home for the holidays so most of our class showed up for it. Some way or another, a chess game got started between me and the captain of the football team – I think he wanted to challenge me or something. Maybe he had heard the stories of people drinking enough to beat me at Street Fighter II and wanted to apply the same principle here. Mid-game someone called me into another room momentarily, so I stood to check, then stopped, looked at the board, and told my opponent not to cheat. I come back a minute later, and sure enough, pieces have been moved. I called him out on it, but he denied it up and down. So I said eff it, I sat and played with this board anyway, because I’m just here for the fun, and I’m no chess expert with some long-game strategy at stake, I’m just making it up as I go.
And I still beat his cheating butt.”
“I Fixed My Broken Lego Set”
“I rebuilt my half destroyed Millennium Falcon lego set after coming home from a party when I was 16 and had broken it when I was like 12. I popped in a star wars movie and built it by how it looked on screen and what the instructions could show me from the state that the set was in. I crashed on the floor next to it and woke up the next day (groggy, but not hungover. Ahhh, youth…) impressed by how well it was put together. I never crashed it again. And I’m about to see my nephew (and future owner of my lego set) be born this week!”
‘I Starting A Club’
“Riding back home in the cab I was trying to recruit the cab driver to join my fictional crab fishing boat I apparently wanted to start. I guessed to the exact cent what the price of Alaskan King Crab was that day as I was trying to convince him to come join me. I later ended up doing the homer spin on the floor of a hotel my friend was staying at. Fun times.”
‘My Cousin Manages To Pack For Trips’
“This didn’t happen to me, but my cousin had a remarkable talent for packing his stuff the night before we go skiing.
He would regularly split a case of Bud Light smoothies with his roommate Friday night and remember to get his skiing stuff together right before he went to bed, mid-blackout.
Watching him find extra gloves, cash and snacks in his bag once we got into the lodge was like watching a kid at Christmas.
Except he was really hungover. But it was still impressive.”
