The Cookie Dough Really Tied The Sandwich Together
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“I used to work at Subway. So one night, some friends came to see me at work. They had been drinking all night and I was closing so it must have been around 1 am. One of them asked me to make a meatball sub, with a cold cut, extra mayo, extra EXTRA jalapenos, some cookie dough from the back (one of each type), olives, some Greek vinaigrette and toast it at the end to ‘make sure the cookie dough was done.’ I don’t know what it tasted like, but I can’t imagine it was good.”
Pretty Much What You’d Expect To Happen After Eating All That
“Once, on a night out, my wasted friend insisted the Subway man make him a sub with EVERYTHING they had. He kept insisting the man put it all in, even when the poor guy tried to explain that tuna mayo would not go well with chicken tikka and egg. In the end, he put everything in and rang up this monumentally expensive sub, which my friend paid for on his card and had to eat out of a bag because there was too much filling and not enough bread. We had walked about halfway to the car when he was explosively sick. In all the colors of the rainbow.”
Gonna Need More Mayo
“Former sandwich artist, this is an actual order that haunts me to this day. Footlong white bread. Double cheese. Extra, extra, extra mayo. Put that mayo on both sides of the bread, in globs, in squiggle lines, back and forth. Double bacon. But when that bacon is microwaved, don’t just reheat it at 30 seconds. Burn it to a scorching heap of misery. Two and a half minutes. The entire store reeks of burned bacon. Add some oil. Cut in half. Serve with an extra large drink and six oatmeal raisin cookies.
It’s been fourteen years and I still can’t look at bacon the same way.
This customer came in about once or twice a month for this exact order and I worked there for two years.”
The “2 Chainz Special”
“This dude came in and asked for a Big Philly. The Big Philly is a steak sandwich that comes with three trays of meat (all other comes with just two) and double cheese. He asked for double meat and double cheese, toasted. So at this point, we had a sandwich with six trays of meat and 16 slices of cheese. He specifically asked for two trays on one side that he would eat now for lunch and four on the other half for dinner. The only vegetables he got were banana peppers. Then came sauces. I emptied about a half bottle of oil, chipotle, sweet onion, and mayo each total. I could feel my arteries closing at this point.
He was cool and asked me to not attempt closing it, ended up wrapping in it saran. The total came up to over $14 and as I handed it to him he said, ‘I call this the 2 Chainz Special’ and left. Never saw him again.”
It Wasn’t Just What He Ordered, But How He Ate It That Sickened Everyone
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“A large, seemingly-mentally-ill guy came in once and ordered an Italian sub with no veggies and every sauce.
Every.
Sauce.
At the time, we were boasting around 14 sauces or so. We had everything from ketchup to basil pesto to a raspberry vinaigrette. I almost threw up as I sent the goopy, dripping monstrosity through the grinder oven.
Of course, it couldn’t be a ‘to-go’ order. The nasty dude sat down in front of us and started snacking. Heaps of barbecue sauce and ranch dressing and chipotle mayonnaise went dribbling down his cheeks every time he took a bite.
His eating process was slow, disgusting, and methodical. He would eat two bites, set the sandwich down, and wait five minutes. He never looked around or spoke to anyone after he’d paid. He simply stared, dead-eyed, into the corner. Bite, bite, wait. Bite, bite, wait. Tiny bites.
He didn’t wipe his face.
After a few bites, he would stand up and move to the bathroom. A few minutes later, he’d return to his viscous sandwich blob and resume. Bites, wait, bathroom, resume, repeat. A full hour and a half it took this bizarre space alien jerkoff to finish that thing. He must’ve gone to the toilet at least six times.
At first, I thought he was intentionally inducing vomiting, but the bathroom was completely clean after he left. No signs of volcano vomit or anything. The smell, though…like chicken soup and old gym socks were microwaved together for twenty minutes. If not for the gobs of food snot dripping on his cheeks, it’d have been like that bit in Breaking Bad where Gus puts a little towel down for his knees and pukes up the poison. It was just so serial killer methodical.
Anyway, that. That’s the grossest. I almost puked just making that thing, let alone watching a man ingest it.”
The Man That Inspired Greatness
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“This is my friend’s story but…
Now, as I’m sure you’re all aware, one of the most popular premade subway sandwiches is the BMT which, depending on how dirty a mind you have either stands for ‘Big. Meaty. Tasty,’ or ‘Big Meaty Threesome.’ It normally consists of pepperoni, salami, and ham, with your choice of salads and condiments as usual.
Now, my friend works in an all-night Subway across the road from a nightclub (needless to say, they get LOADED on weekends) and just as the night was drawing to a close, around 5 am a customer came in, alone, and ordered a BMT. This guy is very obviously trashed, swaying back and forth, not able to focus on anything, speaking really loudly and, to top it all off, he was shirtless. My friend just handed over a BMT with a random selection of salad and some BBQ sauce because the wasted guy wasn’t paying attention anyway.
The guy tokk one bite out of the sandwich then said something to the effect of, ‘This isn’t what I ordered!’ (In reality it was probably far more slurred). My friend protested and told him that he asked for a BMT and what he had was a BMT, at this point just trying to get him out the shop.
The customer then replied with the most stupid, yet genius, comment:
‘I thought a BMT was meant to be Bacon, Meatballs and Tomatoes?’
The ‘Trashed BMT’ has since become a staple of our friendship group’s Subway diet, and it’s delicious. My personal recommendation is to try it with mayo.
Cuppa Olives
“When I worked at Subway, there was this crazy townie who worked down the street from our store. He’d come in almost every day of the week and ask for a cup full of olives. Like, a large fountain drink cup filled to the brim with olives. Then he’d make the other customers uncomfortable by sticking around and ranting about conspiracy theories for a good half an hour. All while popping olives like they were sunflower seeds. I miss that job.”
3,400 Calories In One Deadly Sandwich
“I once made a sub for a woman that may have killed her. She waddled into the store, perhaps 5’4” and over 300 pounds, and ordered the single most disgusting thing I have ever laid eyes on.
It was a foot long, double meat, barbeque rib sub with triple cheese and triple bacon, topped with nothing more than half a bottle of mayonnaise, on white bread. Let’s break that down, and gross everyone out!
4 pork rib patties at 420 calories each: 1,680 calories
12 pieces of cheese at 40 calories each: 480 calories
12 strips of bacon at 45 calories per pair: 270 calories
White bread at 200 calories per 6 inch: 400 calories
Mayonnaise at 45 calories per 1/2 fluid ounce: 540 calories.
I am estimating she had 6 ounces of mayonnaise, and we only served the light variety – which is good, it would be more than double the calories had we served regular.
That is, quite literally, a maintenance diet for a 125-pound woman who is 5’4″ in the pork patties alone. All told, we have almost 3,400 calories in a single sandwich. That is more than I eat in a day, and I am an active 6’3″210-pound man who bikes to work daily and who regularly plays intense sports. She ate enough food for nearly two people (assuming average daily need of 2,000 calories) in a single sandwich. Not in a day, not even in one big meal, but in a sandwich. She had chips and a drink on top of it.
The sandwich passed the Homer Simpson grease test, too. Almost 60% of the calories came from fat. It also made both layers of wax paper see-through when I wrapped it; it was a soggy, floppy mess, and when I closed the top of the bun it made a disgusting ‘glorp’ sound as the mayonnaise was pushed around.
I never saw that woman again. I assume she died.”
It’s A Whole Meal, Right Down To Desert
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“I was at a Subway one time where a woman had the sandwich artist put the following on a honey oat bun:
- Six chocolate chip cookies cut in half and stacked
- Roast Beef
- Mayonnaise
I nearly threw up when I saw this.”
Sounds Healthy At Least
“They walked in and ordered a footlong with the following heaped on:
- Turkey.
- Pack the entire thing with oregano. I imagine using two shakers full of that stuff. It needs to look like a sand dune of oregano when ready.
- Vinegar.
That’s it. Enjoy.”
When You Like A Bit Of Sweet With Your Savory
“I used to work there a long time ago. One sandwich I made for a regular looked like the grossest thing ever, but he swore by it. It was a steak and cheese, with peppers and onions topped with crumbled double chocolate cookies, hot sauce and mayo. Never tried it but he loved it.”
This Guy Is Serious About Onions
“When I was a young teen in high school, I apparently ordered the most disgusting sandwich, according to the person making it.
A pal and I were going halfsies on the sub so the base of it was a sweet onion chicken teriyaki with provolone. We got it toasted on the cheese and herb foot-long bread. For my friend’s half, she asked for lettuce, tomato, and a decent amount of mayo and sweet onion sauce.
For my side, I ordered heavy lettuce, heavy tomato, heavy onions, green peppers, onions, pickles, extremely heavy onions, mayo, sweet onion sauce, a ton of vinegar, more onions, banana peppers, pepper, and more onions. I specify this because I really love onions. Seriously, don’t mess with my love of onions.
The guy making the sandwich almost seemed to clearly not hear me say that I FREAKING WANTED A MOUNTAIN OF ONIONS ON MY SIDE OF THE SUB. Give me my freaking onions, you dirty sandwich artist!
It was as if he was grabbing handfuls of onions only to drop them all back into the container to barely sprinkle any on my sub. Even my friend got upset at the guy and told him to stop messing around with the onions and to just drop a solid handful on my sandwich. The look on his face was unlike any I’ve ever seen as if I had beaten his stupid dog or something.
Eff you, Subway dude. I ate that onion sandwich like a boss while I bitterly stared at the guy. If I had the chance, I would’ve held him down and exhaled deep into his soul with my pungently delicious breath.”
“Burnt Is A Flavor”
“I used to work at Subway. Two of the worst I’ve seen was a triple meatball sandwich, with everything on it and all the sauces. ALL. THE. SAUCES. It wasn’t a sub, it was an aborted meatball soup.
Also, some really wasted guy begged me to put on all the hot peppers that were in the container thingy. After doing that, he wanted it toasted ‘until it was completely burnt because burnt is a flavor.’ The stench was unimaginable, but the $15 tip was awesome.”
My Brother, The Jerk
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“I, a 16-year-old sandwich artist, was working happily at a local Subway. Enter my brother, 23 and probably the biggest troll I know. I saw him enter that double entrance (standalone store) and immediately dread hit my stomach as I happily wished my last customer a good day. He and I entered our positions, ready to battle.
Me: ‘Bread?’
Him: ‘Footlong flatbread’
At this point, I was already annoyed because flatbread sucks to deal with and he wanted me to toast it alone before he even told me the meat.
Me: ‘What type of sandwich?’
Him: ‘I want a double meat meatball sandwich with extra American cheese on the meat directly and then microwaved.’
I almost reached across the counter and slapped him. Why? A regular meatball sandwich has two meatballs on each half which leaves little room for any veggies. Then, on top of that, I have to double meat. That means the only other room on that bread is the bottom side for two more meatballs on each half. BUT WAIT, didn’t I say it was a flatbread? Now, I don’t have a degree in physics but trying to fit meatBALLS on FLATbread is easily a form of torture. Also that there were too many balls for the flimsy flatbread could handle.
So after what I would consider the true form of wrangling, I somehow fit eight meatballs and eight pieces of cheese on this poor 12-inch long piece of flatbread.
Me: ‘Veggies sir?’
At this point, you might be able to predict what my sadistic brother said next.
Him: ‘I want all the veggies and all the sauces and seasonings.’
At this point, I was so frustrated with the previous meatball balancing act that I slapped on everything in a carefree manner being absolutely done with this nonsense. This thing was a wreck. An honest to god pile of marina and balls and veggies all rolling around like it was some kind of subway free-for-all.
I lost a meatball on my way from the counter to the paper but I double wrapped the sucker because that was the only way I could fold it. My brother smugly looks at me as I give him his huge total of $19 or something.
I farted on his pillow that night.”
Seafood Sensation? More Like Seafood Nightmare!
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“I served five and a half years behind the sneeze guard and I can, without a doubt, say the worst one I ever made was a terrible addition to the ‘seafood sensation.’ First of all, it’s just imitation crab and tons of mayonnaise mixed together, there’s nothing ‘seafood’ or ‘sensational’ about it – false advertising.
This one person who came in about once a week would get a foot long DOUBLE meat seafood sub and add meatballs to it, TOAST IT, and as a sauce, I’m not lying at all: EXTRA MAYO.
I can’t even tell you how it smelt coming out of the toaster. It was horrifying. I still have nightmares about that stench to this day.
Times it by ten if I was hung over.”
Talk About A High Calorie Diet
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“I worked at Subway when I was younger and a guy came in and asked for a footlong with six chocolate chip cookies soaked in vinegar and oil.”
The Worst Kid In The World With The Worst Sandwich In The World
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“Previous Subway ‘sandwich artist’ here. The worst I’ve seen is white bread, cheese, and three lines of every single sauce. Disgusting.
When you fold it and get ready to cut in half, the insides squirt out at every which angle. This kid would just have the most sinister laugh every time he saw us cut his sandwich in half.
Ordered the thing twice a week, every week, until I quit.”
Pickles And Mayo. And That’s It
“I’m a manager at Subway. The worst thing I’ve seen is wheat bread half a bottle of mayo with pickles and toasted. She ate the whole thing.”
Disgusting AND Annoying
“I used to be a shift leader at Subway. Probably the worst of the worst came into my store every day. He always decided to stare at the menu until every customer before him started getting angry. He would order a footlong on wheat, with the bread inside pulled out, tuna, half Swiss cheese, and the other half of the sandwich cut in half, with half provolone and one piece of pepper jack. Only one half toasted. Then he would get mayo on half, and chipotle sauce on the part with the provolone. Lettuce, tomato, extra onion, and green pepper on the Swiss cheese side, and just black olives and ranch on the other two. Then drenched in allspice and a bunch of cucumbers on the side. I’ve also had a customer get a footlong with absolutely nothing on it but almost a full bottle of chipotle sauce. I felt disgusted even selling it to him.”
Like Father, Like Son
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“Former Sandwich Whisperer here (I was better than a mere Artist):
The son ordered a footlong olive sandwich with oil, vinegar, American cheese, salt, herbs, and the meat from a BMT (pepperoni, ham, and salami). I say an ‘olive sandwich’ because I ended up dumping an entire container of olives on that thing. Oh, then I microwaved it for him.
The father ordered a Seafood Sandwich (minced crab and mayo) with meatballs and marinara, double American cheese and lettuce and tomato, microwaved.
Those two weren’t right, I tell yah.”
When Burnt Isn’t Burnt Enought
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“I don’t work at Subway, but I got to witness a woman come in and when asked if she wanted her sandwich to be toasted. She asked for it to be toasted six times. The guy making her sandwich just went along with it.
By the fourth toasting, it was essentially a brick of charred crap and made the restaurant smell horrible. He refused to cook it again and she got mad, but then requested fresh vegetables and sauce on the charred brick.
Unfortunately, she left and didn’t eat in the Subway so I could witness her eat the burnt sandwich.”
After Creating So Many Monstrosities, His Sandwich Knowledge Is Beyond Belief
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“I’ve worked at Subway for over two years so I’ve seen some wild things.
The grossest things always involve tuna because there are some messed up people out there. Some that come to mind are tuna + ketchup. Never understood that one.
The most disgusting sandwich I’ve ever made is tuna + avocado. Now, alone that may not sound gross but it’s the way he had me make it. I scooped the tuna on and then he wanted it blended with the avocado. So the tuna turned some light green putrid color.
Some weirdo comes in regularly and I kid you not, he gets at least 2 full onions worth on his sandwich and nothing else. I don’t know how anyone has the stomach for it, especially since he makes me put enough mayo on it to drown a baby.
Some other guy comes in regularly and he pays to put an entire bottle of chipotle sauce on his sandwich. I kid you not, he wants the full thing. By the time I finish making his sandwich, it’s oozing sauce from every crevasse.
But for anyone wondering about the best sandwiches, I’ll give a guide.
1.) If you’re getting a toasted sandwich, GET THE VEGGIES TOASTED. Seriously, it makes the sandwich at least 10x better. Don’t toast lettuce or cucumbers. Everything else is fair game. Seriously, one of the best sandwiches is a Steak and Cheese or Philly with mozzarella, steak, green pepper, and onions mixed together and toasted.
2.) You can also get sauces toasted! Obviously, some go better than others, Chipotle, Ranch, and Hot Sauce are my favorites.
3.) Be specific about your sandwich. I know you probably think you’re being heckling or picky but honestly it makes it easier for me to build it. Another thing is, unless you’re a jerk, I forget about you the moment you leave the store.”
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